My husband left me out of the blue

Mojisola

paperchainjunkie wrote: »

We both have full time jobs.

He works shifts so if he wasn't at work he was with our little girl.

I did everything around the house too.

I control all the finances.

Did you do everything because he wouldn't or because you think you do it better than him?

Have you made him feel an unnecessary part of the family?

Andypandyboy

I think that you just have to try and pick up the pieces for your little girl. Enlist family and friends for support. Sadly, the fact that he is at work doesn't mean he hasn't met someone else. Most affairs are with a work colleague.

duchy

Some people ask the daftest questions - and make some leaping assumptions.

OP you are still reeling - but each day you cope a little better. Like going swimming - a few days before you went you couldn't have done that.

If work gives you respite and a chance to focus on something else for a few hours a day then keep going but if it is making things harder for you to cope- then take some sick time. I tried to plough on and after a couple of weeks realized I needed all my energy to keep myself together and deal with my son so took 2 weeks off and it was right for me then - but we are all different. Do what feels right for you.

The fog will clear and you'll start to go through the stages of grieving - from disbelief to bereft to anger and then acceptance. It takes time and it hurts but you will get through it.

Eventually you and he will have to talk - about the house, about money and access .Has your husband asked to see your child ?

Don't rush any decisions - take your time and things will start to fall into place -take all the support you need and remember to breathe. You will get through this.

Double_V

So sorry to hear.
As others mentioned. You need to look after yourself. First shock and then things will be better.
Look after yourself and your daughter.
He obviously seeing someone.

I hope and pray everything goes well for you.

RuthnJasper

duchy wrote: »

Some people ask the daftest questions - and make some leaping assumptions.

I agree. I know that people generally mean well, but speculating about an affair in response to the OP's distraught post is unhelpful and could be interpreted as being callous.

alias*alibi

paperchainjunkie wrote: »

The thing is I don't think there is someone else. There hasn't been time. We both have full time jobs. He works shifts so if he wasn't at work he was with our little girl. I have let it go flat. But after having my little girl and with my stressful job I just didn't have the energy. I did everything around the house too. I control all the finances. We both have very well paid jobs so money is not an issue. We look like we have a charmed life.The amazing thing is he has gone to live with his brother and taken his clothes and that is it. I have packed up the remainder and left it in the garage for him.
He has no idea where our money is held. The only thing in his name is a couple of isas in his name but there is only about 12 grand in them and he couldn't tell you the name of them.
I tried to talk to him today as I had been back to my gp who has been so helpful and he just said its hard for him and he doesn't want to lead me on or get to where we hate each other. I spent this morning lying in bed wanting to die then had a burst of energy , bought swimming things and took my daughter swimming after school. I felt quite positive at bed time but I have just woken up and felt I was dying again. I know I am trying to show him I can be the interesting energetic fun person I once was, and its pathetic. He is never coming back. I have also faced up to the fact I am addicted to codeine. I have stopped taking it yesterday because my daughter needs me full throttle. I am a mess. I am letting us both down. My friends and family are vey supportive but the only hug I want is from my absent husband. I hurt so much. I am sorry for the garbled reply I cannot seem to think logically anymore

Happened to me in 2010. Don't be so sure that he's too busy to have an affair; my husband also was at home a lot and worked shifts but met a woman at work and it started whilst at work then progressed during a night out. If he starts acting nasty and making demands on money, items of value etc; you can be sure it's a woman behind him pushing it.

I did get back with my husband but I do know what you are going through as I had 18 months of hell but I had to try to keep focussed for my daughter and job even though I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I agree with the advice that you must make sure your child knows that you both stil love her and it's not her fault.

indesisiv

You must make yourself and your daughter your priority.
Once you have done that then you can move on look towards splitting finances, childcare etc properly.

To the ones talking about affairs etc, this is not always the case, I left my last gf because it wasn't working to me, took me months to actually get round to it and there was no other women and I was thinking of the house etc. So from her view I was over it instantly whereas in reality I had a couple of months getting used to the idea.

Just make sure that you and your daughter are your priority.

duchy

I have a friend who ended his marriage with no one else involved.

He was an ex (non serious) boyfriend who I'd stayed friends with -and he felt his wife would never understand him and he felt lonely and isolated with her (and her children from a previous marriage). He told her he was leaving and left. Next thing his wife is around at his mothers and they have decided he must have had a breakdown and when he got home to his Mums as he told me "She's booked me in to see a trick cyclist "

She had decided that as no-one else was involved it HAD to be a breakdown but sometimes it can be neither .

Sometimes people need space to realize what they have to lose .......othertimes it confirms they were right to go.

OP try not to force him into discussion about it. Tell him you will give him space but at some point you deserve a proper explanation when he is able.

He has his defences up - the harder you push the higher they will go. He may not even be able to fully explain it himself yet but once he doesn't feel so defensive he may be able to talk. Just a thought

Pollycat

indesisiv wrote: »

To the ones talking about affairs etc, this is not always the case, I left my last gf because it wasn't working to me, took me months to actually get round to it and there was no other women and I was thinking of the house etc. So from her view I was over it instantly whereas in reality I had a couple of months getting used to the idea.

I have to say that I think this is pretty callous way to treat a partner.

indesisiv

Pollycat wrote: »

I have to say that I think this is pretty callous way to treat a partner.

Bad phrasing and explanation on my part, however, this thread is really about helping the OP come to terms with her breakup. I was just trying to point out that whilst it is out of the blue to her, that her other half may have been unhappy for a while and has just been trying to make it work whilst working out what is best for the 2 of them in the long run.
And not to jump to the conclusion that seems to come up here a lot that if 2 people split up then it must be because of an affair or a mental breakdown!