My husband left me out of the blue

TBagpuss

Be kind to yourself. You have had a huge shock, and it is natural that you are going to need some time to get used to the idea.

I agree with the suggestion to ask your GP about signing you off work for a few days, if you are struggling to cope.

Your husband has probably been thinking about this for a while and so he is further along the grieving / adjustment process than you, if he starts to push you about resolving things then it's OK to let him know you need a bit of breathing space.

On a purely practical level, think about your financial position - if you have not already done so, open a bank account in your own name and start to get your wages and benefits paid there, so that if the joint account is frozen you still have access to money. Claim your single person council tax discount and update your tax credit claim to take into account your changed circumstances. Those things can be changed back if you and your husband are able to reconcile, but in the mean time, you are that little bit more secure financially.

Consider joining the forum at Wikivorce - you will find lots of support and people who have had similar experiences and can understand what you are going through.

If you have not already done so, reassure your daughter that she has not done anything wrong, and that you and Daddy still love her and she will be seeing you both. Children have a very self-centred mindset and it is incredibly common for children to believe that when a parent leaves it is because of something which they have done or not done.

If you can, try to arrange for your daughter to see her dad, not because he deserves, but because she does. If he has family living close by could you suggest that they arrange this with him, so you don't need to meet/speak to him right now?

Guest101

bugslet wrote: »

perhaps itchyextremist knows women whose husbands have left them out of the blue and it's transpired that there was another woman.

Mr Bugs was planning to leave but I found out about the situation. He spent a long time denying it at first and I suspect that he was going to go down the route of I'm leaving, no there's no-one else.

itchyextremist may also have said the same thing had it been a bloke posting about his wife upping and leaving.

OP, I know it feels like the end of the world but it isn't. It takes time to get your head round things. Keep lines of communication open with him. Experience ( not sexism ) would suggest there is another woman, but it might not be the case - he may have had a sort of breakdown and isn't thinking clearly. Your mind will jump to so many theories but until you know the truth, it will only mean your mind working overtime pointlessly.

If it was me, I would find out if there is anyone else or not and I'd also see a solicitor, just a quick half hour to make yourself aware of your rights and his.

Most of all, don't rush into anything - you have time even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

Perhaps im just noticing a trend that if a woman posts somethign similar - the question is what did HE do?

and if a man does - its what did YOU do?

but every situation is unique

Guest101

VestanPance wrote: »

How is it sexist? It's not uncommon when a man or woman does this out of the blue that there is someone else involved. I can testify to that, as that's what my ex-wife did.

Im not saying it doesnt happen. of course it does. it's just the first reply - and its immediately 'his' fault it ended

Marktheshark

You need to focus in on how important you are to that little girl.
Make that goal to be strong for her, make it your bridge out of this and trust me, it will carry you away from the pain.

jess1974

Poor you...this happened to me in September 2013....i had the rug pulled out from under me and was left with 3 kids, pets and an old house and huge garden to maintain.
I didn't eat for a week but slowly came to terms with it...found myself a job....rang tax credits and got into a stable financial position....divorce was a v painful and expensive year or so....but its all over now and im happy.....i am a lot stronger than i ever thought i was.....please believe me when i say you will feel better and life does go on xx

meer53

Happened to me too. 12 years ago. jess1974 is absolutely right, I'm a different person now, i've never been happier. Looking back, he did me a huge favour.

All you can do is take it one day at a time, some days will be good, some will be the worst you've ever had, just deal with them as they come. I remember not wanting to get out of bed some days, my daughter was only 2 at the time so i had to, but it was very hard. It will be hard for you too OP, but believe me, it will get better.

paperchainjunkie

The thing is I don't think there is someone else. There hasn't been time. We both have full time jobs. He works shifts so if he wasn't at work he was with our little girl. I have let it go flat. But after having my little girl and with my stressful job I just didn't have the energy. I did everything around the house too. I control all the finances. We both have very well paid jobs so money is not an issue. We look like we have a charmed life.The amazing thing is he has gone to live with his brother and taken his clothes and that is it. I have packed up the remainder and left it in the garage for him.
He has no idea where our money is held. The only thing in his name is a couple of isas in his name but there is only about 12 grand in them and he couldn't tell you the name of them.
I tried to talk to him today as I had been back to my gp who has been so helpful and he just said its hard for him and he doesn't want to lead me on or get to where we hate each other. I spent this morning lying in bed wanting to die then had a burst of energy , bought swimming things and took my daughter swimming after school. I felt quite positive at bed time but I have just woken up and felt I was dying again. I know I am trying to show him I can be the interesting energetic fun person I once was, and its pathetic. He is never coming back. I have also faced up to the fact I am addicted to codeine. I have stopped taking it yesterday because my daughter needs me full throttle. I am a mess. I am letting us both down. My friends and family are vey supportive but the only hug I want is from my absent husband. I hurt so much. I am sorry for the garbled reply I cannot seem to think logically anymore

Pollycat

I also wondered if there may be someone else but also thought about his mental state.
Could he be having some sort of breakdown?

Could you talk to his brother to find out what's going on with your OH.

Good news that you don't have money worries but are you sorted for child care when you're at work (if he had her when you were at work)?

Are his wages paid into a joint account?
If they are and I assume he has access to the money in that account, be wary that he doesn't clear the account out - but in fairness, he needs access to money too.

You will need to think about finances and if he's gone for good, you will have to agree on child maintenance and other stuff, including access so he's going to have to start talking to you at some point.

itchyextremist

Guest101 wrote: »

Im not saying it doesnt happen. of course it does. it's just the first reply - and its immediately 'his' fault it ended

Usually when it's "out of the blue" to one party, there is someone else. And I'm not saying it's "his" fault. Maybe the other woman was giving him what the OP wasn't, sex, intimacy, support, who knows..


Usually an affair indicates something's wrong.

RuthnJasper

Paperchain,

I am so sorry. I don't have any wisdom to offer, but I wanted to express my profound sympathy and send good wishes to you.

You will probably go through a grieving process, and it is totally to be expected and understandable - here's a link to an advice site (it's from the USA, apologies, but it is quite good):

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm.

Personally, I think death can be easier to deal with sometimes as, generally, the loved one has not chosen to go...

You WILL get through this - and you won't feel so wretched forever, even though it seems that way now. Your little girl won't love you any the less for seeing you distressed, you're her mum - she loves you very much. Let her know that she can talk to you about what has happened and her feelings and offer her plenty of reassurance that she is loved, wanted and cherished. Do you have a mum or other relative/friend who could come and stay with you for a bit to help with daily life?

Take all the support that is out there and don't forget that you can always call The Samaritans if it all gets too much. Keep posting on here (if you want to!), as there are lots of friendly and willing "listeners" to help and support you.

Look after yourself; you are a very special person and you don't deserve what has happened.

Every good wish to you. xx