MSE News: Are you secretly hurting your spouse by looking after the family finances?

*max*

lostinrates wrote: »

Do you mean secret?



This is secret.



This is more inadvertent ( potential to hurt partner). I presume inadvertent or unintentional is what is being got at? Rather than you expect people to confess their secret transgressions?

Could they have meant "inadvertently" rather than "secretly"? Secretly does put a completely different spin on things!

Errata

*max* wrote: »

Could they have meant "inadvertently" rather than "secretly"? Secretly does put a completely different spin on things!

And 'hurting' makes it sound like DV.

maman

I handle most of the finance in our home because it suits us that way. My DH has his own account for his personal spending and I handle almost everything else. Each month I just tell him how much he needs to pay for his 'share' of bills and he transfers it to me. It's not because he can't or won't do it himself it's just that we have shared all the household chores (he does cleaning:D) and I'm happy to take on finances.


Some of our friends/family find it a bit strange. For example, we had a conversation with my BIL about car insurance. When he asked how much we paid (he has a similar car) DH said 'You'll have to ask my equerry;)'.


I read Martin's article and it seemed to be aimed at people who pass over the responsibility to such an extent that they have no idea how anything works.

Mrs_Ryan

I handle the finances and OH is happy with that. He has severe mental health problems and although he works full time and runs a car, he cannot cope with the finances.
We have our own separate accounts and OH is the sole breadwinner, I'm unable to work due to disability and claim ESA. I run his bank account for him- I check his wages have gone in each Friday, I check the balance and let him know which bills have gone and which are due to go. I adjust the standing orders for the electricity and re-set the S/O's for the council tax and water each March and cancel them each November/January.
When he bought a new car recently, I dealt with obtaining the finance for him and got him a great deal (0%) I also changed over the insurance and arranged payment for the small excess as well as arranging the servicing and even haggling a deal for a small amount of cash back. I told him what his limit was for the cost of the finance each month and told him that the deal we got was the best one. I speak on the phone on his behalf as he isn't able to deal with things and I make sure everything is paid. I tell him whether he can or can't afford things and when to use his debit card. He has full control of his debit card but doesn't use internet banking as he doesn't understand it and cannot operate my laptop or my smartphone. I top his pay as you go phone up for him and if he wants something online I order it for him and use his card to pay with his permission- I recently bought a fridge freezer online like this.
He isn't interested in my finances- he just knows I only receive a small amount of benefit and will often kindly help me out- he paid my phone bill the other day- it was only £42 but my phone is a lifeline to us both as we have no landline and he said it wasn't in either of our interests for it to be cut off. He said he can wait for his money back but EE couldn't. Normally my Mum gives me the money to pay it but I was waiting for her to be paid and EE don't give you long.
My parents are also the same- my Mum has always been in control of the finances. Mum and Dad have a joint bank account but Mum keeps Dad's debit card and gives him 'pocket money' each week. Mum has credit cards and savings etc- they're both retired but until fairly recently Dad didn't have a bank account of his own. Dad is now in the early stages of dementia and couldn't handle his own affairs anyway but pretty much everything is in Mum's name. Mum does worry about what will happen if something happens to her- she's making provisions for my sister and BIL to take care of things as she's disowned my brother and she says it's not fair to expect me to do it as she knows how unwell I am. But she did say my sister has agreed not to shut me out and she's a reasonable person so I know she won't.
I guess it's just what works- what works for one person doesn't necessarily for others. I often wonder how OH's finances are so perfect when my own are a right mess I have 24 debts (most of which have been or are in the process of being written off due to my diagnoses) and I never have any money

kangoora

My sister recently passed away with cancer. She had virtually everything in her name and paid from her account, utilities, mortgage, the works. The only thing her husband had was his own loan, car & bike insurance and he 'paid' her 'x' amount a month (almost like a rent) to cover all the bills.

She was going to sort all this out but 3 months after initial diagnosis (after being given initially around a year) she deteriorated rapidly and died a few weeks later and never actually arranged to do any 'handover'. All of her passwords are written down but encrypted.

We are complete opposites to my sister/BIL. My wife tends to deal with day-to-day banking whereas I look at retirement planning and investments but we have joint accounts, both have a good knowledge of the others 'area', know each other's passwords and would never dream of purchasing anything >£100 without running it past the other partner. Every investment/pension we have is documented in a spreadsheet with Plan number/account details, contact details as well as expected benefits.

Trust me, the very last thing you need when dealing with something like a death in the family is for the other partner to be completely lost over how the family finances work and who to contact. There is way too much stress anyway without financial worries adding to them.........

Ruby_Gloom

I used to look after the money and my hubby used to ignore me id find mystery items on the statements and get.. So it was only £23 adding up to 300/500 a month no matter how I budgeted allowed pocket money set allowances he agreed to anything but kept spending those extra things used to do my head in
I am I'll now and he does the banking and it makes me laugh when he goes mad trying to track down 20p
I've tried to point out the irony but he just stares at me

Ruby_Gloom

Just to add I have often feined the stupid woman indoors when I don't want to deal with people on the phone or at the door etc and I know he has done the opposite. Oh no I don't know about those things you should check with my husband it would be safer lol they give up

Purplesky_2

We have almost totally separate accounts. I work out what bills we each pay (we have agreed to split the bills so that an equal percentage of money comes out each month for both of us) and find the best deals on current accounts/savings.

We have yet to make an official will (it's on our list to be done within 6 months), but in lieu for the moment, we have set it up so that the only thing that does not automatically pass straight to me is his current account/S&S ISA/any savings that might accrue.

We also both have full access to a fully labelled and sorted filing system, so that all documents are in one place and easy to find. No online access required thankfully. And we have a spreadsheet each that we update each month. We have a bunch of charts and graphs to satisfy our nerdier impulses and keep us motivated.

We look at all the money as our money and work towards goals together. We usually discuss things like that while taking turns showering. Like 40 mins of catching up and plotting

mumps

kangoora wrote: »

My sister recently passed away with cancer. She had virtually everything in her name and paid from her account, utilities, mortgage, the works. The only thing her husband had was his own loan, car & bike insurance and he 'paid' her 'x' amount a month (almost like a rent) to cover all the bills.

She was going to sort all this out but 3 months after initial diagnosis (after being given initially around a year) she deteriorated rapidly and died a few weeks later and never actually arranged to do any 'handover'. All of her passwords are written down but encrypted.

We are complete opposites to my sister/BIL. My wife tends to deal with day-to-day banking whereas I look at retirement planning and investments but we have joint accounts, both have a good knowledge of the others 'area', know each other's passwords and would never dream of purchasing anything >£100 without running it past the other partner. Every investment/pension we have is documented in a spreadsheet with Plan number/account details, contact details as well as expected benefits.

Trust me, the very last thing you need when dealing with something like a death in the family is for the other partner to be completely lost over how the family finances work and who to contact. There is way too much stress anyway without financial worries adding to them.........

When we were sorting things out after a relative died we didn't find it a problem. The standing orders/direct debits stopped as the bank account was frozen (we easily found the bank details as she had a bank card in her purse). When you register the death they will inform the local council, hmrc, etc so that was no problem. We got a bank statement which showed her insurance so that was easy. As soon as the standing orders/direct debits failed we got letters and within 6 weeks it was all sorted with probate applied for.

zagfles

mumps wrote: »

When we were sorting things out after a relative died we didn't find it a problem. The standing orders/direct debits stopped as the bank account was frozen (we easily found the bank details as she had a bank card in her purse). When you register the death they will inform the local council, hmrc, etc so that was no problem. We got a bank statement which showed her insurance so that was easy. As soon as the standing orders/direct debits failed we got letters and within 6 weeks it was all sorted with probate applied for.

Same here, it was quite easy when we helped a friend out recently. Her husband had died unexpectedly and he had managed all the finances, she didn't have a clue.

But he'd made a list of all the accounts, pensions etc, so it was just a case of going through them, going through the bank accounts for direct debits etc, and when she was up to it giving her a bit of a chat on how to manage the finances. It's not rocket science, she's now perfectly happy managing things.

I don't get the "secretly" bit in the article, generally people who are clueless about their finances know that they are clueless. They don't think the magic money fairy pays the mortgage, leccy bill etc, so where's the "secret"?

I know my clothes get washed and ironed, they don't magically get from the washbin to wardrobe, it's not a "secret" how it's done. I'd be a bit clueless at first if I had to operate the washing machine etc but I'd get used to it pretty quick.

Financial factsheet is definitely a good idea though - list of everything financial especially bank accounts, savings, pensions etc. Then the partner has somewhere to start if they have to.