MSE News: Are you secretly hurting your spouse by looking after the family finances?

moisieone

I have tried to get my husband to sit down and listen about our finances. He says that I am better at looking after the bills, direct debits and bank statements. He will not take an interest in it, so if I don't do it, it will never get looked at.
Our endowment mortgage ends in October, 2015. We will have a shortfall, but I can't get him to take me seriously and discuss what should/will happen. He buries his head in the sand, every time it is mentioned.
I hate having to do this, by myself, but have no other option!

southoftheriver

My fiance and I have a joint account for our rent/utilities/holidays etc. What annoys me is that I can't access the credit card statements as that is in his name only. He's given me the password so I can check it, but it's not the same as having access to it like I do with our debit account. That is really annoying because if the bank trusts me enough to give me a card in my name (even though the credit card was applied for by him) then surely they should let me access transactions? It's almost like they don't want me to be aware of what I'm spending...

The bulk of my money stays in my current account/savings and I am in full control of this.

busiscoming2

I do all the finances in our house. There are probably a few reasons why:

I am better at it and will shop around for the best deal, like to have some savings.

OH was very bad with money when we got together and I like to be in control. The thought of debt for me, makes me feel ill. He likes to spend without thinking of the effect although he has improved over the years.

I've tried to involve him as the years have gone by, explaining the reasons why but he just isn't interested.

I have done a list of accounts and contacts etc in the event of my demise. You can't force someone to participate if they don't want to.

margaretclare

I've seen this happen and I've seen the effects of it. Usually it's the male either wanting to 'spare his wife the trouble', at one end of the spectrum, and being controlling and domineering at the other, as illustrated by BigAunty above.

About 10 years ago I used to be a trainee volunteer adviser with CAB. I recall one poor lady who came in a distraught state. She was recently widowed, husband had 'seen to everything', she had no idea about utilities bills, insurances, accounts, you name it. All she had was her own SRP, 60% of what he'd had, and that wasn't enough to cover his funeral, let alone normal bills.

One of my colleagues there used to talk about 'going to the bank on a Friday to draw out her housekeeping'. I asked her what this housekeeping was meant to cover. She looked at me as if I was speaking a dead language. 'Groceries, the papers and the milk'. He saw to everything else - he was a retired bank manager.

When we got together, DH was very much against the idea of a joint account - he'd had bad experiences in his 2 earlier marriages. I persuaded him that it would be a good idea. We opened a joint account just for the normal bills, utilities, car insurance, everything that is for 'us'. We both tip into it from our own accounts but we can't draw cash or write cheques on it. Everything goes out by direct debit. It works well. Whichever of us goes first, the other one won't be left wondering if the utilities are getting paid.

Robisere

We have a joint account and it is usually me who handles the internet bank, printing out statements etc. My wife has her own access via her own laptop, but prefers me to handle it all. I don't really like this, although I am more capable with finance, so I just print out a statement for the account, credit card and savings every month, then pass it to my wife without looking at it. She has an eagle eye and has occasionally pointed out something. Just this month, for example, she spotted an entry which had no details. I went back and found it to have been an ATM withdrawal from a machine I had not used before, that did not initially appear on the statement.

We make joint decisions about holidays, major purchases, savings and investments, we do not make any major decisions without consulting each other, everything is shared. After we both had former marriages broken many years ago by her ex not prepared to work and mine not prepared to share, we both believe that this is the only way for us. It has to be absolute trust and absolute faith in each other, with no secrets.

Smaller purchases such as clothes are made by each of us as we need them, that has to be part of the trust between us. It has all worked very well in almost 30 years of a marriage which began with hard times and two teenage stepchildren, now there are no "steps" between us and they each have 2 children of their own.

My own parents were 40 when I came along, much younger than my 2 brothers. My dad just emptied his pay packet on the table every Friday and mum gave him spending money, she handled it all. If dad had overtime, they split it. That was their way and is really my point: whatever works for the marriage, is good, providing you let the OH know what you are doing with the finances.

lostinrates

MSE_Paloma wrote: »

"My other half deals with the finances. I don't know anything about it." I've lost count of the times I've heard this ...

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Are you secretly hurting your spouse by looking after the family finances?




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Do you mean secret?

Delree wrote: »

I work in rent arrears collection and the amount of times I've had a bloke on the phone say "the missus deals with all that" is unbelievable. People need to take more responsibility.

I've recently sat in an office with a husband and wife revealing how much debt they're in to the husband. The husband was having a go at his wife but I stopped him and told him that willfull ignorance does not absolve him of blame. He's as much to blame for this mess as his wife and instead of shouting they should team up and work with me to solve it. They didn't. They're funeral.

This is secret.

duchy wrote: »

Strange question with the assumption that the partner dealing with finances is deliberately stopping the other person's involvement. Like most of the posters - most couples I know the non involved partner just isn't interested rather than there is something controling going on.

(Sometimes these "from MSE" questions tell you more about the age and level of life experience of the person asking the question than anything else.)

This is more inadvertent ( potential to hurt partner). I presume inadvertent or unintentional is what is being got at? Rather than you expect people to confess their secret transgressions?

mumps

Surely as adults people can work it out however suits them. Doesn't really matter what works in my marriage, it might not be right for you. I can't understand why people think it is vital that both partners know all the ins and outs of everything as one might be left a widow/widower not knowing how to pay the gas bill. For heaven's sake, if the standing order goes unpaid they will contact you and then you can set up payments. I have had to sort things out when several elderly relatives died and it really isn't rocket science unless they have secret bank accounts in Switzerland, I guess that might be tricky.

I have also read on here about sorting everything out to make it easy for the kids when we pop our clogs. When I die my kids will inherit 3 houses, 2 cars, some collections worth five figures and some savings, if they can't be bothered to sort it out they can walk away. I have looked after them for a long time, I am not going to spend my retirement wondering how they will cope when I die and leaving detailed notes about what to do as my MIL did.

Errata

mumps wrote: »

I have also read on here about sorting everything out to make it easy for the kids when we pop our clogs. When I die my kids will inherit 3 houses, 2 cars, some collections worth five figures and some savings, if they can't be bothered to sort it out they can walk away. I have looked after them for a long time, I am not going to spend my retirement wondering how they will cope when I die and leaving detailed notes about what to do as my MIL did.

Snap (although my estate will be rather smaller than yours). The only note I plan to leave is the window cleaners phone number, for his benefit not theirs.

mumps

Errata wrote: »

Snap (although my estate will be rather smaller than yours). The only note I plan to leave is the window cleaners phone number, for his benefit not theirs.

Thought I might be on my own on this one so it was nice to see your reply. Good idea about the window cleaner, thinking about it the young man from the local farm who brings me eggs might deserve a call.

margaretclare

I don't worry about how anyone will cope when I die. I hope they will remember to plant snowdrops on my grave.