Secret Debt

AgentSquirrel

My husband has debt that has ultimately prevented us from getting a mortgage. I didn't know the extent of it until we went through the application process and I still can't get him to tell me the exact figure. What he doesn't realise is that I'm not concerned about how much debt there is - what's upsetting me is the lack of trust and honesty to talk about it and how he's shutting me out of moving forward as a couple.

I'm paying extra bills each month so he can pay the debt off. Is he doing that? I can only trust he is but its eroding our relationship. It gets me so down but trying to get him to make a plan we can both see the progress on is like trying to get blood out of a stone.

Come clean. If your partner loves you they'll support you.

changeforbetter - I went on a DMP some years ago and am now debt free. My husband did not and so we're both now paying for his mistake. I have been in situations where I just wanted to walk away due to his debt but I didn't because I love him. I'm not at the end of my tether just yet. However, as I said, the secrecy and disregard for what it's doing to me is the painful bit, not the debt. Make a plan to sort yourself out, stick to it to prove you're serious, then come clean and show your partner the results of your hard work so far. Dieters often put weight back on and this sort of cycle can also ring true for people with money issues as well (I count my own money management in that but I feel I've now learnt better after years of practise) You won't make it better by inaction and secrecy.

Tyrone_Black

I think one way of tackling it is to put arrangements in place before confessing what's happening. Then they know you're serious about solving the problem and are on the road to putting things right.

Bluelala

Firstly I just wanted to send best wishes to the poster and hoping that things are on track for you (can see it's been a few months since this was posted)

This has hit a raw nerve for me having been on the receiving end of my husband admitting over £11k of secret debt (on top of some debt that I was aware of) Yes I went mad when he told me and being only a few weeks ago I am still having days were I get very angry, however once he told me we were able to sit down together and make a plan. As much as I felt like telling him to sort it out himself we are a partnership and I took my vows seriously (for richer or poorer anyone) and would not leave him over this although the trust is going to take a while to rebuild.

For those who don't tell your partners you are living a lie. Your partner could be making potentially life changing decisions based on fabrication. For example not long ago I had the opportunity to increase my hours at work, not being aware of the seriousness of our situation I didn't. In hindsight if I did we could have been throwing a lot more money at the debt. Now we're looking at probably 4-5 years to repay the debts, meaning we won't be able to move house before my daughter starts high school and she will probably end up having to go the poor catchment high school which could effect her exam results and potentially her whole future (I know I'm being slightly dramatic but even so) It is such a selfish thing to do!

The silly thing is now me & my husband gave sorted a budget we can meet the minimum payments and pay an additional £200-£300 a month so there was no reason for us to have even got in this mess had my husband told me sooner!

Sorry for the rant but I just don't understand how people can keep secrets like this!

moneycantbuyyouhappiness

It is so very easy to sit there and judge. We all have our vices! I dont care who you are some are just much more damaging!

The poster is possibly exceptionally scared, like I am at the thought of telling my partner I can only imagine what this is doing to my health as I am in a constant state of worry about my debt. It isn't unmanageable but like others have said I've done it before. I had a small amount of debt then last year a close relative was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I lost another this year to alcoholism. Its hard! I used to spend to help my emotions but ended up in a vicious circle or spending and guilt. My partner has been brought up to not really show emotions and I was finding it exceptionally difficult to cope with my own emotions and have an outlet. I wanted to cry on his shoulder and felt like I couldn't (I keep trying to be strong while around me the whole family are in complete grief and shock)

If only it was as easy to empathise as it was to judge. Many people, me included have contemplated ending their life due to debt!

OP if you are reading this keep going! You can do this! I know its hard but there will become a time when you can tell her. Until then you are doing the right thing, keep plugging away at the debts and you will get there one step at a time!

secretdebt

Hello all,

It's been a long time since I came on here.

However, as a bit of an update, my partner found out about my debt from an old spreadsheet I had. So, she confronted me, and I had no other option to confess. The result: she wanted to kick me out, but she couldn't cause she loves me too much. So, now, I don't have to keep it a secret anymore and I instantly feel happier And less stressed.

I'm disappointed in myself for not manning up to tell her, but she knows now, and I'm glad I can work through it with her support. I know I'm lucky to have a loving partner, but I know now that one more thing will destroy the relationship, and I don't want to do that.

I can concentrate now on clearing my debt and getting on with my life!!!

(Un)Secret Debt

Flooky

Good morning SD,

I bet that is a massive weight of your shoulders, you have a keeper there my friend, most of the relationships I have had would have ended with the realisation of the truth unfortunately. Concentrate on getting your debt sorted and then start planning the rest of your life, remember things will get better.

A debt free diary may help you keep on track and there a lot of helpful people on here who can help you and support you.

If you ever lack motivation have a listen to my man ET

Ch1979

I've not one bit of advice apart from...... NOTHING is as bad as you think it will be. You are afraid of multiple different outcomes when there is only one you will have to deal with.

Good luck x

Kitten868

So how are you doing with the debt? What's the figure at now? Stuck to the DMP?
Despite the bossiness on this forum on what you should and shouldn't do I have found it a great help in keeping me focuses and making me stronger to take the next steps. I've had zero judgements and the only bossiness has been to remind me that buying myself a pair of shoes isn't the end of the world. Start yourself a diary and join the team

Jagraf

12 years ago I met my now husband and he took me on, following my divorce, with a debt much higher than that and a three year old.

He was my rock and now we are out of debt and stronger for it.

Just saying xx

Jagraf

secretdebt wrote: »

Hello all,

It's been a long time since I came on here.

However, as a bit of an update, my partner found out about my debt from an old spreadsheet I had. So, she confronted me, and I had no other option to confess. The result: she wanted to kick me out, but she couldn't cause she loves me too much. So, now, I don't have to keep it a secret anymore and I instantly feel happier And less stressed.

I'm disappointed in myself for not manning up to tell her, but she knows now, and I'm glad I can work through it with her support. I know I'm lucky to have a loving partner, but I know now that one more thing will destroy the relationship, and I don't want to do that.

I can concentrate now on clearing my debt and getting on with my life!!!

(Un)Secret Debt

Yeay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :T

See my post before this one - there are at least two angels on this planet. Now get that debt sorted.