Secret Debt

Jon81

Jon_B wrote: »

What concerns me so much on this site is the sheer number of people in relationships who hide so much financially from each other. A true relationship worth having is one where you can share in the good AND bad times.

OP. You will not have a mortgage for a long time. Tell your partner now.

Concern you it might, unfortunately everyone's relationships are different. The main thing here is surely a willingness to fix the problems one step at a time? No one is perfect and no ones relationship is perfect either

Thrugelmir

Jon81 wrote: »

As someone who understands what it's like to be in the op's shoes growing balls as you put it was sufficient to start sorting his problems out. Cut the guy some slack

Cutting someone slack isn't going to make the problem go away. Trust is paramount in any relationship, whether it be personal or business. The truth hurts. There's no denying that. Practising deception may well lead to simply digging a bigger hole as a consequence of further deception and lies.

Liliyanna

Secret Debt,

Congratulations on coming this far, but I think it's fair to say the chances of you keeping your DMP quiet for the next 4.5 years are slim to none

Please think of this from your girlfriends point of view for a moment....

She may have all these plans for your future together taking shape in her head and as soon as she gets a job she will want to move forward. As you won't be able to match her you will have to make excuses as to why you have no money all the time. Eventually your excuses will start to wear thin and your girlfriend will start to suspect something is amiss.

Now being a girl she will obviously think the worst which will seriously undermine your relationship. Probably after several arguments you will come clean and tell her everything, unfortunately by that time you will have been deceiving her for a while and she will have trusted you and taken your lies at face value. When you come clean it may well be a weight off your shoulders but undoubtedly your girlfriend will feel betrayed and deceived and the broken trust may be unrepairable!

If I was your girlfriend I would want to know now, I would want to feel my partner could turn to me in their hour of need as it were. I would personally be devastated if this was hidden from me but shared with your mother. It would make me worry you were still tied to her apron strings and not ready for a grown up relationship (i'm not saying this is true!!!!).

It may well be in your favour that your girlfriend is currently unemployed as she will not have a time frame on any money related future plans (iyswim). Please think carefully before hiding this any longer as relationships can withstand a lot if trust is there but soon wither and die once it's broken


Good luck in whatever you decide


Lily x x

lucy03

Jon_B wrote: »

What concerns me so much on this site is the sheer number of people in relationships who hide so much financially from each other. A true relationship worth having is one where you can share in the good AND bad times.

OP. You will not have a mortgage for a long time. Tell your partner now.

As another poster said every relationship is different and there is no easy definition of a true relationship.

OP I think your efforts in recent weeks are to be applauded in tackling the issue and getting on the right path. The problem isn't insurmountable and I hope now that you're confident in finding a solution you can tell your partner when you feel able and the partnership gets stronger after this.

audigex

I definitely agree about telling your partner: £37k "formal" debt plus £12.5k to your mother is not going to go away any time soon, and as someone above suggested she is likely to quickly see through your excuses as to why you can't rent/live together: unfortunately, she may see through it to the wrong answer and think it's lack of commitment or worse.

Anyone worth spending your life with will accept your flaws and baggage along with your quirks and charms. Explain it to her, tell her that it's your problem, you're dealing with it and you don't want nor expect her to pay off your debt: just her support and love. Apologise for not telling her before, admit you were ashamed to come clean and face the fact she'll probably be a little upset before coming round and supporting you.

Although if I can offer another piece of unsolicited advice, resist her paying off your debt with her savings or income, when relevant. If she wants to buy a few treats while you can't afford to do so then great, but you'll both feel trapped if she starts paying debts she didn't rack up and can't afford

The good news is that on £1600/month (£25k/yr?) this isn't an insurmountable challenge. Tough, yes, and I suspect you're not going to enjoy the next few years too much financially, but it can and will get better.

tealady

Hi
How about writing your partner a letter (I am assuming that you don't live together).
Tell her everything, and also give her a day and time to meet you if she still wants to be with you. That way all of this is out in the open and you will be giving her time to absorb the information and make a decision.
Also it means you can get your thoughts in order rather than possibly having a "question and answer session" (I know if the roles were reversed I wouldn't want to face a partner about my debts).
Whatever you do hope it all goes well.

immoral_angeluk

Well done on having your LBM and taking the plunge. Stepchange are great so good luck and all the best on your DFW journey

runforlife

Letting your partner know is so difficult and many of us have been there. However when done it does release the weight of burden from your relationship. One way to approach it is to offer reasons for the debt and try not to make them sound like excuses. More importantly you can say how you are tackling it and how it will be removed from your life. Think long and hard and if you feel the moment is there then take it. Best of luck.

Timchips82

Hi,


Sorry to hear that things are tough at the moment. Can I ask, does your partner know that you have ANY debt or is she totally in the dark?


If she does know then could you start mentioning that you have sought advice to clear your debt more quickly so that you can sort it out and eventually get a mortgage with her? I think that you need to take a positive approach towards it as what you have done recently is great. You are also still really young at 29 with plenty of time to get a mortgage etc.

Lezconnecting

Hi
I just rejoined on here for the umpteenth time. I feel your pain, I am in a similar situation. I owe approx 30k and my husband knows nothing about it. He would probably leave me if he did and besides its my fault, my problem and I don't want to ruin his life. It's easy for people to say the only thing to do is to tell all but it's often not as simple as that is it. Luckily I have a decent income and should be able to clear my debt in approx 36-48 months but it hangs over your head like a black cloud. Xx