What would you do?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If you do end up giving her a load of money now, it might end up being worth every penny.

Just think - no chance of her coming back for more in eight or so years' time when the house might have gone up even more in value, if something happens to you in the meantime, she doesn't get the house nor any widow's pension, you could win the lottery in July and she can't get any of it...

Yes, she'll spunk it all on booze and her bloke in all probability, but you'll be free financially from her. And if she's focused so heavily on money, sadly, that could make her more likely to agree to the terms for contact (and not arguing for even more money) due to the temptation of a lump sum now.

If she does clean up (which, from experience in work and personally) I very much doubt, as the odds are strongly stacked against it, no matter whether they shout, scream or wail and cry, there's no unresolved financial stuff to get in the way of trying to keep a good parent/child relationship going. Because there's always the one in ten that manages to stay sober for a year after rehab.

In any case, the process of divorce and essential safeguarding could mean that she realises it's not just money at stake. It could do her good if the addiction is out in the open.


In the end, it's the alcoholism that's the important issue - not the infidelity. She could still be a great mum if she'd just had an affair or left you. It's the booze that makes her choices unsafe. So you need to put the anger about it all aside and just focus on your natural wish to keep your children safe.

Just be aware that addicts can be the Best Liars. And positively genius at manipulating people so they can't possibly be seen as being at fault. So anything that contradicts that, whether a hate filled message or a stumbling performance at the doorstep with a raging thug backing her up, might be handy in the future. And don't ever be alone with her.


Having an addict around is very hard work. Have you spoken to the kids' school or asked about any support they can have, as the impact of effectively losing a parent isn't something kids can shrug off easily over time - help now and over the coming years could stop the effects of her choices/illness damaging them permanently.

theend?

I will be doing the remortgage and paying her off it makes sense just needed to let off steam on here or it would have been phone calls, texts or even a very mistaken car journey to her to tell her exactly how I was feeling.


Didn't really want to do the divorce route - not sure why guess living in hope everything would suddenly fall back into place.


The only real choice I need to make at the moment is whether to go for separation now and divorce some point in the future or just straight divorce - anybody any pros and cons on why just separation would be a better option?

theend?

Jojo
Why do you say never be alone with her?

thorsoak

It's very rare for me to advocate divorce immediately - but in your circumstances, as you post, I would say that a clean break now is in the best interests of yourself and your children.

Divorce now will mean the end of having to listen to long drunken diatribes from her - and any so-called partners. With a clean break settlement, you will know that you and your children will be able to move on financially.

For your childrens' sake, it must be distressing for them to have the uncertainty of a drunken mum turning up and saying that she might "come back home" - especially if a relationship turns sour. Far better for them both to know that mum and dad now have separate lives.

theend?

Thorsoak
It would be the best option for me, no doubt should have happened a long time ago.


She's been pretty much taking me for a ride for a long time, wouldn't hold down a job, drinking, cheating no helping out around the house.
On the flip side when she isn't on the booze (which isn't everyday it comes and goes week to week no booze one week, next week all booze). She's funny, sexy, good company good with the kids, good cook, good wife.


Would be better for me to have a complete split and divorce, no matter what she does a few weeks later after we've spoken and met up im all for taking her back. I cant explain why, when she's bad she's everything I dislike in a person - lazy, workshy, no morals, a liar a drunk.


I guess its more about me for some reason I always want to help her sort out her problems and don't just think of myself.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

theend? wrote: »

Jojo
Why do you say never be alone with her?

Cynicism. I've heard far too many addicts of both sexes claim with wide eyed innocence and oceans of tears that they were beaten up by their big bad exes. Male and female.

My ex claimed it of me. Of course he liked a drink, it was only reasonable if he had to deal with my violent rages. The most aggressive I never got was giving him an assist out the door when he was threatening me with a hammer and chisel, before the neighbours called the police because they thought he was going to kill me :cool: I've tended the scalds on the face of a huge bloke only to have his partner call the police and claim he'd beaten her up at the exact moment I was taking him to hospital. Pity for her he had such an alibi - a four hour wait under hospital CCTV, just at the time she was on the phone to the police, saying he was in the house with her and she was barricading herself in the bathroom to make the call. When they got there, he'd apparently just run off. Nope. He was sitting on a hospital trolley. Five miles away.


You'd be shocked just how coldblooded an addict can be. So I'm saying don't be alone with her because it puts you in a position vulnerable to allegations.

thorsoak

theend? wrote: »

Thorsoak
It would be the best option for me, no doubt should have happened a long time ago.


She's been pretty much taking me for a ride for a long time, wouldn't hold down a job, drinking, cheating no helping out around the house.
On the flip side when she isn't on the booze (which isn't everyday it comes and goes week to week no booze one week, next week all booze). She's funny, sexy, good company good with the kids, good cook, good wife.


Would be better for me to have a complete split and divorce, no matter what she does a few weeks later after we've spoken and met up im all for taking her back. I cant explain why, when she's bad she's everything I dislike in a person - lazy, workshy, no morals, a liar a drunk.


I guess its more about me for some reason I always want to help her sort out her problems and don't just think of myself.

Don't think about you - or your wife - think about your children. They are at the age when they are aware of all that goes on around them - what you describe is extremely unsettling for them. As Jojo says - have you spoken to their school?

What do they deserve?

theend?

That's why im where I am, last straw was her not turning up at school and my son was sat there for an hour with the teacher until my step dad got there.


First job tomorrow instruct the solicitor to go divorce, mortgage and an agreement for supervised visits for the kids.


just difficult holding on to one train of thought, if I had no contact with her would be easy but cant not let her ring the house and speak to the kids, cant not drop them off/pick them up when she's seeing them..

Marisco

theend? wrote: »

That's why im where I am, last straw was her not turning up at school and my son was sat there for an hour with the teacher until my step dad got there.


First job tomorrow instruct the solicitor to go divorce, mortgage and an agreement for supervised visits for the kids.


just difficult holding on to one train of thought, if I had no contact with her would be easy but cant not let her ring the house and speak to the kids, cant not drop them off/pick them up when she's seeing them..

You could, to both,if you really wanted to. In the case of the phone, you could change your number, and you phone her and block your number, that way you control the situation and can suss out what state she is in, i.e drunk or not. If she's drunk, hang up!

As for contact, do you have someone who could drop off and pick up the kids for you? That way there is no need for you to see her. At the age the kids are, it won't be long before they can go to their grans themselves anyway.

Mojisola

theend? wrote: »

but cant not let her ring the house and speak to the kids

You could buy a cheap PAYG phone for her to have contact with the boys - only switched on at set times which suit their routine - and block her calls to any other phones.

You can set up a separate email account just for communication with her about contact, etc. You will both have to put it all in writing which will either keep things civil or provide evidence of other side being awkward or abusive.