Should I make formal complaint - breach of confidentiality by funeral director staff

charliegirl_3

Hi all

Not been on here for ages but looking for advice.

Partner passed away recently, we had a very private cremation just me, the kids and his closest friend. Felt that's what he would have wanted and didn't want an audience for our grief, we just played his fave music and talked, laughed & cried together.

The funeral directors seemed great, compassionate, caring etc. However they knew how discreet I wanted everything, I didn't even want notices up advertising either the fact he had died or the details of where/when the cremation was taking place. I'd made that very clear from the start.

I recently met someone who's known me & my partner for a long time, approx 20 yrs or more. Anyway he was asking how I was, then said he knew all about the cremation from his daughter who was told by her friend that works for the funeral director.

As well as being angry I'm more hurt as thought better of this young man, he seemed mature and sympathetic and again knew I wanted everything private. I want to approach him and explain I'm annoyed & upset, but I wouldn't like him to be sacked over it. I'm disappointed. Friends say I should tell his boss but that seems too heavy. Anybody have thoughts or advice on this?

Thank you

SeduLOUs

Breach of confidentiality is pretty serious, so you can't make an official complaint without there being a possibility of him being fired for it.

If you don't want him to get the chop then you just need to keep quiet or have a quiet word with him directly if you feel you just need a bit of a vent without making a formal complaint to his boss.

charliegirl_3

Yeh I think a private word with him should be enough, if nothing else to warn him that the next person he gossips about may also find out and go straight to his boss. Its an old family firm with a good reputation, I reckon they'd be pretty pi**ed off with him.

G6JNS

charliegirl wrote: »

Hi all

Not been on here for ages but looking for advice.

Partner passed away recently, we had a very private cremation just me, the kids and his closest friend. Felt that's what he would have wanted and didn't want an audience for our grief, we just played his fave music and talked, laughed & cried together.

The funeral directors seemed great, compassionate, caring etc. However they knew how discreet I wanted everything, I didn't even want notices up advertising either the fact he had died or the details of where/when the cremation was taking place. I'd made that very clear from the start.

I recently met someone who's known me & my partner for a long time, approx 20 yrs or more. Anyway he was asking how I was, then said he knew all about the cremation from his daughter who was told by her friend that works for the funeral director.

As well as being angry I'm more hurt as thought better of this young man, he seemed mature and sympathetic and again knew I wanted everything private. I want to approach him and explain I'm annoyed & upset, but I wouldn't like him to be sacked over it. I'm disappointed. Friends say I should tell his boss but that seems too heavy. Anybody have thoughts or advice on this?

Thank you

You need to be a little cautious as you have only heard it via two third parties. There may be more than one explanation and it may be more complex than you think. Personally I would try and have a quiet word with him. There are always two sides to every story.

BobQ

Breach of confidence is clearly wrong.

Is it possible that the person revealing the information was aware that in that particular area the cremation records were a matter of public record? It does vary in different locations.

Tuesday_Tenor

I think you need to be careful as funerals and cremations are in fact public events which anyone can attend. You can aspire to having a private event and can choose not to publicise it, but you can't PREVENT anyone from attending.

I believe anyone wanting to know the date and time of someone's funeral would be given this info if they contacted the church or crematorium.

Therefore the FD staff member may have understood there was little point withholding date/ time info when asked.

Revelation of details of the contract with the FD, costs or who was paying WOULD be a breach of confidentiality, but revealing the date and time would not, in my opinion.

leespot

I also think it should be taken into account that the funeral actually went off as you had planned it to - as in nobody that was not invited turned up?

Just another perspective, but fact that your friend of 20 odd years knew about the service details, but didn't go, would indicate to me that the information they had been given was correct - you didn't want anyone else at the service, which they respected by not attending?

Must be a very tough time for you, but I'd be inclined to be mindful that the service for your partner went off as per your requests, and it is possible that your friend was told about the privacy requests in order to respect them.

greatgimpo

charliegirl wrote: »

I recently met someone who's known me & my partner for a long time, approx 20 yrs or more. Anyway he was asking how I was, then said he knew all about the cremation from his daughter who was told by her friend that works for the funeral director.

So, did the news of the cremation come out before or after the funeral?

securityguy

"I think you need to be careful as funerals and cremations are in fact public events which anyone can attend."

No they aren't.

It's a matter for discussion between you and the building in which the funeral is taking place. You are perfectly free to make the event private, up to and including security guards, provided the owners of the building are OK with it. As with weddings, not all churches are willing or able to make the building private for you. But there is no general right to attend a wedding or funeral to which you are not invited. Some funeral directors will actually hold a private invitation only funeral on the premises, and then arrange a cremation which you do not attend.

You don't have to even have a "funeral" in any meaningful sense: my mother-in-law was cremated with only a few people in attendance, with no service, ceremony or officiant, and a thanksgiving service was then held later at her own church.

Tuesday_Tenor

securityguy wrote: »

"I think you need to be careful as funerals and cremations are in fact public events which anyone can attend."

No they aren't.

It's a matter for discussion between you and the building in which the funeral is taking place..

I stand corrected.
Lack of such experience on my part. In the several different communities I've lived in over 5 decades I've never come across a single funeral, or a wedding for that matter, that couldn't be attended by anyone who might choose to do so. Probably because most have been held in traditional churches and chapels.

G6JNS

Tuesday_Tenor wrote: »

I stand corrected.
Lack of such experience on my part. In the several different communities I've lived in over 5 decades I've never come across a single funeral, or a wedding for that matter, that couldn't be attended by anyone who might choose to do so. Probably because most have been held in traditional churches and chapels.

Most C of E weddings are open to the public and if banns have been read then the date and time are common knowledge.