Thinking of becoming a single mum......help

Sugarplumfairy_2

I have a 16 year old daughter and have been a single parent for all of that time. Yes, I have been in relationships. In that time have had 2 live in 5 year relationships and a few long term not live in, but still classed myself as a single parent as I was wholly responsible for my daughter. Yes my partners did help, but all decisions regarding her where made by me as she is my responsibilty.

It was hard when she was younger, and still is at times. But I can honestly say I/we are happy.

I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship where there is no respect, and if he is not interested in anything you say, then he obviously thinks you are not important but he is !! Selfish Sod !!!

If you are not happy in a relationship, then get out. You only have 1 life and only 1 chance to give your child a happy life. Some people stay in relationships for the kids, but IMO this does not help anyone.

There is plenty of single parent networks out there that can give you some support. You are too young to dwell on this relationship.

People say if you make your bed you have to lie in it ..... wrong !! Move the bed to the other wall, change the bedding, couple cushions, comfy throw..... presto , new bed, new life !

I wish you all the best in your decision, and know that there will always be support here for you.

Sugar xxxx

CharlieandAlice

I really feel for you, it sounds just like the situation i was in at 21. I was living in a council flat with a toddler and a new baby. I didn't work, husband did but kept all his money for himself (he was out everynight with his mates drinking and sometimes didn't come home at all). We didn't qualify for family credit due to his wage so i was trying to feed us with the child benefit (i often went 2-3days at a time without eating so i could feed the kids). then i got a summons for non payment of poll tax and discovered he'd only paid his own, not mine, i had to get my dad to pay it for me.

I decided enough was enough and told him to leave. I had no savings, no income but it was still the best thing i ever did. Had his name taken off the tenancy agreement (don't give up your home as a council tenancy is secure and cheaper than private renting) and went on income support. Rent and poll tax was paid for me and i suddenly had so much money for bills and food i put on 2 stone!!

It was so the right thing to do, within 2yrs i'd met my 2nd husband, and we are still happy now with 4 children altogether. and although it took the csa 8 years i now get proper maintence for the children from him.

I don't know what the situation is now with income support but all i had to do then was phone them up and tell them he had left and i got a giro in the post 2 days later. As you work part time as long as its more that 16hrs a week you will get tax credits and any maintence you get is not taken into account unlike income support. You may also qualify for rent and council tax help.

Poodlecrazy

Hi!

Just thought I would add my two pennies worth! I became a single mum when my daughter was 6 months old and haven't looked back. So many people talk about being a single parent as a negative decision but I was actually surprised how relieved I felt. Ok the first few weeks / months are hard from a logistics point of view but actually when all you have to do is battle practicalities it is so much easier without the obstacles and frustrations fo another adult who is meant to be a 'partner'.

I'm not encouraging anyone to be a single mum, it's hard but I for one am sooo much happier 3 years down the line and have now met a wonderful man who I am so happy to be around and is a genuine caring rock of a person.

Don't forget that you may be entitled to more benefits if you are single (I know I was) so try going to www.entitledto.co.uk or speak to someone at the JobCentre plus so you can accurately budget.
Good luck either way.

P
x

child359

Hi there,
I just wanted to add my bit.
I became a single parent 2.5 years ago, although at the time it wasn't my decision to split. I can honestly say it was the best thing that could have happened for me and my son. All my friends and family say how I have changed for the better and how well adjusted my son is.

I bought a book called "Two Homes" because he was really struggling with us living in seperate houses. In essence it says it doesn't matter that Mummy and Daddy don't live together they both still love the child and the child loves them.
Personally I didn't say anything to my son until the week before he moved out. We explained that we would be living in seperate houses but that we still loved him. We left it quite simply.
Despite the intial worry and upset yearning for his Dad he has grown into a fabulous young boy. He was just 2 yrs old when we split. People say they don't know much then but oh yes they do!!
My son has a great father who loves him very much and as long as you both keep the same priority which is putting your children first (which don't get me wrong at times was very hard with personal tensions between us!) your child will be fine. My husband has been great and we have pulled together to support our son and make him what he is today!

Yes financially I haven't had as much money but I get 70% of my childcare costs paid when I am at work which I never did before. Times are hard but looking back my son would have been more affected by the atmosphere between me and my husband than the short term upset he had.

Sorry to go on but I can't tell you enough how much better it is. Finances may be tough but this web site will always keep you on track not only financially but also in keeping your pecker up! or so to speak ;0

cobbingstones

sammy_kaye18 wrote: »

He wont talk - hes not the 'talking type' If there is ever something important i need to talk to him about i usually end up telling his mum (who im pretty close with) and she will bring it up in conversation with him or mention it. The only time we ever talk is when he has something to say in which case hes normally talking to me about bikes, cars, work etc but if i try and raise a subject with him he tends to not listen and when i ask him if he is listening i get the answer 'why should i? your not interesting and have nothing interesting to say. you bore me' so talking is clearly not a strong point. thats why i feel so stuck -

Sammy - chuck him!!

How dare he speak to the mother of his child this way!

Go for it girl and good luck

MM

Jet

I was in a relationship where I was putting my son in second hand clothes, we NEVER went out, couldn't afford a haircut, I was working evenings in a job I hated, we never did anything, money was so, so tight.

My then husband had an insurance policy pay out and what did he spend it on? £1600 on a full size dalek. :eek: An investment, apparently. :rolleyes:

Guess what happened to that marriage?

full-time-mum

Jet wrote: »

I was in a relationship where I was putting my son in second hand clothes,

Personally, I haven't got a problem with second hand clothes - it is a good way of saving money and there is some really good quality stuff out there if you are prepared to look.
National Childbirth Trust branches usually have twice yearly nearly new sales in the spring and autumn. (our area is October time). My local branch is very hot on quality and nearly new means nearly new - I've saved a fortune and my children are not ragamuffins. Unfortunately, even my youngest is too old now.

lynzpower

Sammy,

You deserve better.

You know we will always be here to help you cope practically and financially, although it YOU that teaches us a thing or two

I echo what someone else said about you being resourceful and positive, I struggle to think of anyone more on here who has those qualities more than you. You always astound me.

If I lived with you, Id be the PROUDEST man in the world, literally open mouthed with wonder about how you manage, and constantly takign my hat off to you. that your OH cant be bothered to even speak to you is nothing short of an insult.

Maybe he feels its drawing to a close too, hence the lack of contact. maybe time is right to say its over. I mean, isnt it over when you have to ask for a kiss and he refuses?

Love to you sammy
xxxxxxxxxxx

SUESMITH_2

sammyjust one word to youLEAVEif he loved or even cared for you he would not talk to you like that.my sister put up with crap like that for nearly 20 years, in the end she walked out with just a suitcase of clothes and her daughter - her son chose to stay because he was doing hid gcse's. it was the best thing she ever did.he was very controlling and eroded her confidence away, he told her thats what marriage was about - she said what made her leave in the end was seeing how me any my better half were together and how it was obvious jim loved me and thought about my feelings before he did things.you and your son deserve better than the nothing he is giving you.good luck

SUESMITH_2

sammyjust one word to you LEAVEi f he loved or even cared for you he would not talk to you like that .my sister put up with crap like that for nearly 20 years, in the end she walked out with just a suitcase of clothes and her daughter - her son chose to stay because he was doing hid gcse's. it was the best thing she ever did. he was very controlling and eroded her confidence away, he told her thats what marriage was about - she said what made her leave in the end was seeing how me any my better half were together and how it was obvious jim loved me and thought about my feelings before he did things. you and your son deserve better than the nothing he is giving you. good luck