Thinking of becoming a single mum......help

Savvy_Sue

Is the tenancy in joint names? If it is, then you would need to talk to your Housing Officer about how you'd go about taking his name OFF the tenancy agreement should he move out. However he would have to agree to this.

If the tenancy is in your name only, I think you'd be in a strong position if you asked him to leave.

If it's in his name only, then you'd need to check whether you'd be able to stay and 'inherit' the tenancy if he moved out. That would be something worth checking anyway, even if he reforms.

susanmc

Hi everyone. I hope its okay to tag onto this as you've all been giving such good advice.

I'm in the process of separating from my partner of 11 years. We have a 5 year old daughter, a joint mortgage and bank account and he is an alcoholic. He has tried to stop drinking a few times over the years and I've tried to support him every time but I can't go on like this any more. I do still love him although I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I don't love him enough to live this life and to bring my daughter up in this environment. The older she gets the more aware of things she'll be.

He's in the process of trying to come to terms thats its over and trying to find somewhere to stay. I plan to stay in the house and so far he tells me that he wants his daughter to grow up here. (Despite the drink he adores her and is a really good father). I work part time and money will be a struggle but the way I figure it it will be no more a struggle than living with an alcoholic is. At least I'll be in control of my own money.

We haven't said anything to my daughter yet as I don't want to tell her anything until I can tell her where he's going and when. My problem is I dont know how to approach it with her. She's a very very bright 5 year old and knows that her daddy is in the pub all the time but she's usually in her bed when he comes home and doesn't witness too much upset. I've become an expert in hiding my mood and anguish from her. I want to be as honest as I can with her (on her level of course) and don't know what to say. I was thinking of saying that mummy gets sad because daddy goes to the pub too much. What do you think? We both plan to speak to her together.

Savvy_Sue

have you been in touch with Al-Anon? I think you might get good advice (and support) from them, as it's for the families and friends of people with an alcohol problem.

susanmc

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

have you been in touch with Al-Anon? I think you might get good advice (and support) from them, as it's for the families and friends of people with an alcohol problem.

I have been in touch with them in the past and they've mostly been aimed at helping friends and families cope and live with the alcohol problem. I'm past that stage. I don't want to cope with it. I've done it long enough and can't take any more.

Thanks anyway

sammy_kaye18

Thanks all for your advice. The tenancy is in joint names so i guess ill have to look into it. We are having a very strained time this week, for some reason he came home from his mothers on monday and barely said two words to me (i even rang his mum just to see if he was there, got him and he sounded his happy usual self) but when he got home like i said he didnt say a word, tuesday he came home, fell asleep on the sofa, was really grumpy, and went to bed adn my god if he had gotten any futher away from me he'd of been sleeping on the floor. Well yesterday was the same, he went to his mums after work, came home, said nothing,went to bed and i asked for a kiss before he went to bed (not a full on snog just a peck) and he said no and walked off. charming. i dont get it - we were fine on sunday, and his mum asked if he was ok and she said he replies that he was having an up and down week yet he seems fine when hes not near me. So have no idea what to do. Plus today is his hospital appointment and he needs money for parking - i usually go with him and me and ben play in the park near the hopsital but im thinking of going and getting money out, getting my son out of the car and tellign him to go by his !!!!!!! self and see what happens. He really is treating me like dirt and the more he annoys me the more i seem to be shouting at my son, which upsets me then.

cobbingstones

Hi Sammy

I'm sorry if i'm repeating someone elses advice here but have you both tried to talk? If he won't or prehaps can't then its a tough one. Only you know if you feel the time is right for a change. I strongly believe that for a relationship work you need to have love, respect and communication.

Do you have a good support network? I feel this is very important if you decide to finish your relationship. I was a single parent for seven years and looking back I'm so pleased that I got out of it. It makes you a strong person which reflects positively on your son.

All the very best to you.

MM

sammy_kaye18

He wont talk - hes not the 'talking type' If there is ever something important i need to talk to him about i usually end up telling his mum (who im pretty close with) and she will bring it up in conversation with him or mention it. The only time we ever talk is when he has something to say in which case hes normally talking to me about bikes, cars, work etc but if i try and raise a subject with him he tends to not listen and when i ask him if he is listening i get the answer 'why should i? your not interesting and have nothing interesting to say. you bore me' so talking is clearly not a strong point. thats why i feel so stuck -

nearlyrich

My ex sounds a bit like yours, he took off when I was pregnant with my DD and wasn't keen on contributing to the bills etc.

Before we had our son I had a job that paid into our bank account, he was paid in cash, my money stayed in the bank and paid all the bills, mortgage etc he paid cash at the supermarket and gave me £5 a week for my fares and lunches (It was early 80's)

if I wanted to buy anything I had to ask him for them money even if there was money in the account, he was controlling and I didn't realise how much he had me under his thumb. We has DS and I was taking a break to look after him, ex was not prepared to pay bills etc, I had to use family allowance and get a part time job, he bought a boat!

Eventually we split, I fianally realised he was a bully and he had different standards and life goals to me and I wanted more for my children. I got a job which has lead to a great career, managed without much of a financial contribution from him and no sharing of responsibilities. I met my DH and we have had a good life together, he has been a great step dad and role model for my children.

Whatever you decide to do I hope things work out well for you, take control and live the life you deserve.

If

Littlemiss-lotsofdebt

if i try and raise a subject with him he tends to not listen and when i ask him if he is listening i get the answer 'why should i? your not interesting and have nothing interesting to say. you bore me' Sammy - this is truly disgusting and totally uncalled for. How dare he say you have nothing interesting to say! My OH is also not a great talker but he will listen if I raise something and often suprises me with some pearls of wisdom.I know the decision is truly yours, but you deserve so much better, either from him when he grows up or with someone else in the future x

full-time-mum

Never having been in your position, I'm not sure that I am qualified to comment. However, having said that, I have several friends who have split from their partners and are much happier for it.

My advice would be to get yourself some good advice on your financial position should you split (citizens advice) and make sure you have made some 'friends' who will support you emotionally. (mums and tots, NCT etc) before you take any further steps. If you talk to your bf about how you feel, you want to be in a position to counter "you can't afford to leave"/"you won't cope"/etc. It will also show your bf that you mean business.

One of my friends is actually better of financially now she is a single parent. Granted, they had to sell the house and downsize but she can now afford to cut down on her hours and go to college to retrain in something she really wants to do rather than having to continue in a job she hates because she can't afford to leave.

I hope that things work out for you one way or the other.

PS: Have you considered relate? Even if you don't go together, then they should help you to sort out your own feelings.