Thinking of becoming a single mum......help

*niptuckfan*

tbh you sound exactly like my friend she now has 2 kids and he still hasnt changed and i dont thnk he ever will, i dont know why she stays with him i cant see that he brings anything to the relationship i would say get out of the relationship, but then i dont have kids and i do feel it would be hard to do

hope you reach a decision thats good for you

sylphraven

In my case my partner at the time walked out on me & my 3 year old son & I was suddenly liberated.

He was extremely controlling, always putting me down & I never had any money (my mom actually gave me pocket money which I would save for my sons b'day, Xmas, & lil treats or he'd get barely any)

Once he left I had to go on benefits, & found I had money! It wasnt a fortune but I could buy treats for myself as well as my son, buy him better toys, clothes etc. I could also go where I wanted when I wanted without answering to anyone or having to worry if the house was spotless.

You need to think if the relationship can be salvaged, if discussing how you feel will work, or anyother of the ideas would. If you come to the conclusion its not going to work then get out of the relationship, dont lead an un happy life!

benbenandme

Another thing to think about .... who will look after your son when he visits his Dad?? You have already said that you look after this other son when he visits, so who would do that for him and your son when you're not around?? I worry constantly when my son goes to his dads, even though I think he's not that bad as a parent, I still worry where he is and who he sees etc. Good luck with whatever you decide, although it sounds to me like you know what you want Ultimately, you need to decide whats best for you and your son, good luck x

duchy

Been a single parent-you get to make all the decisions but you get all the responsibilities too. When things go wrong it's down to you alone to sort it out....on the other hand when things go right-you get ALL the kudos and pleasure !
From the way you say he doesn't have much contact with his first son I think you should certainly think about the possible effect it would have if he was the same with your child and how you would react and cope with that. Also that if he does keep contact then you will need to continue to have dealings with him too.
I agree that making yourself intentionally homeless would not help with council housing and you'd be more likely to end up in B&B.
Despite everything I've said I'm a single parent and honestly believe the eniroment now is better for my son than my marriage was as my husband wasn't ready to grow up and take on the responsibilty of marriage and fatherhood at the time.

conradmum

I really can't see why you should stay to be honest.

ka7e

Hi sammy-kaye, I just wanted to say that I've remembered your posts from OS threads and I know you've worked long and hard at making your flat a home for your son. Not many 23 year olds would be as resourceful enthusiastic as you have been! It seems a shame to leave it all behind (unless you really dislike the the flat/neighbours/area) and what's more leave it in the hands of your partner.

Purely on the financial front, if your BF stays, you need him to pay you (weekly or monthly, directly into your bank a/c) a fixed sum for his share of the bills. You end up with £30 per month and he has £800 - that is not a fair partnership and you are subsidising his extravagance! I think you are being far to nice to him, it's time to tell him to shape up or ship out!


As mentioned, he stands a much better chance of finding alternative accommodation and you have more security being a council tenant than if you were renting privately.


Emotionally, only you can decide whether he's worth any more of your time and consideration. If you love him, it may be worth working at. If not, I'm sure you have what it takes to go it alone.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

liney

In my opinion, if you are in a partnership and have a child together, all the money should go in the family pot to pay the bills and whatever else you all need. It sounds like your OH wants to live like a single man, but have you on tap when he feels like it.

Firstly i would talk to him though (if you still love of course) and explain what you need, and that if he cant, or wont give you what you need then he is excess to requirement! You have a little boy, who see's his mother being treated like this, and has your OH as a role model ...

Could you go and stay with your mom until you have enough money for a deposit if you do decide you are leaving him?

Littlemiss-lotsofdebt

Hi SammyI also remember your posts from OS and how hard you have worked, however, I also remember little mention of your OH and it did seem that you were the only one putting all the effort in.Only you can decide what is best for you and your son, but from what I have seen, you are more than capable than becoming a single mum and doing a very good job of it too. Whatever you decide, you will always have support from here, and I know you are very close to your sister too who I am sure would also support you.Very best wishes for the future Sammy, take care xx

we_are_always_skint

i lived in almost the same situation when my first was born but only for a year before we finally split... like you i paid EVERYTHING including the rent while he spent what he wanted. i went back to work full time when my baby was 3 weeks old as he said we couldn't afford to live on his wages otherwise and even though i had a fairly good job i never seemed to have any money let alone self esteem or confidence

when we did eventually break up it was hard for a month or two - i thought i missed him and would of done anything to get him back but that was just because i was used to having him there, not because i wanted him there. after that time passed i was so much better off, i did have alot of support from my mum though and in the end i cut my hours right back at work to less than half and with the help of tax credits i was alot better off - doesn't make sense does it lol

anyway... you sound like a strong person and you deserve better than he's been giving you. lay it all out and tell him if things dont change then you are done. if he doesn't change then you know its history and should be put to rest

by the way... there is light at the end of the tunnel - about a year after we broke up i met a lovely man who took my daughter on as his own and we have now got a new 9 month old baby and have been together for 6 years... you deserve a happey ending too

if you want any help or info just let me know...

Bun

My Mum used a phrase when she describes deciding to leave my Dad, something along the lines of 'I got fed up with putting all the wood on the fire and building it up myself, and him taking all the heat'. This was what I thought of when I read your post. She said she found it hard financially,and tiimes were very different then) but as she was doing all the work and making all the decisions anyway, practically there was little difference.

Good luck with whatever you decide.