Never realised how much this would hurt

Newname_2

Hiya everyone, I've set up a new profile because I just want some advice.

Im 33 and up until recently was in a relationship for 4 years. A few weeks ago I got home from work and he told me that he wanted us to split up, said he didn't love me anymore. We were engaged, though hadnt made any plans for getting married, we were going to start trying for a baby sometime this year. This came completely out of the blue, the day before we had been discussing holiday plans, when he left for work that morning he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me, so I was stunned, I still don't know exactly what happened because he's refused to discuss anything with me. I do know that there is nobody else involved because we live in a small village and I would have heard by now. All I've heard about him is that he seems miserable, but I've got fed up asking him to meet me and I've given up and decided to try to move on.

At first I completely broke down, he was the first time I had ever been in love, I kept crying all the time and couldnt eat or sleep, then I went through a phase of just wanting to eat junk all the time, so I've put on weight in the last 2 weeks, going to start eating healthy tomorrow to try to get back to the way I was.

When we were together I was living in his house, so Ive had to move out and find a place by myself, I was working part time and studying part time, my job is a minimum wage one which was fine while I was living with him. I'm studying for something which would give me a chance of a great career and I was volunteering alongside, this experience was to give me something to put on my CV to help me with my new career once I was qualified.

Now Im living on my own I've obviously had to take more hours in work and I had to stop my voluntary work, I've still managed to continue my studies thankfully, and Ive worked out all my earnings and I know I can afford the bills but its not going to leave me with much left to have any sort of social life.

Im honestly scared about the future now. All my friends are either married or settled with kids and I feel like the last one left. All I've seen today are photos of my friends enjoying their time with their children and Im worried that its just never going to happen for me, I want children so much it actually hurts, I was so looking forward to us starting a family. We also had some plans for the summer and now I just dont want summer to happen, I know all I'll be doing is working and going home to an empty house. All the travel plans we had are not going to happen and even if I could persuade someone to come with me there is no way I could afford to go anywhere now. Yes I know I can arrange the odd night out with a friend by they have their own families to think of.

I know I need to take some time to heal from this and then maybe try to meet some new people but even with working as many extra hours as I can Im not going to have much left after bills to have nights out. Also Im trying to take on as many shifts as possible so that combined with my studies means I wont have much time to go out either.

I just have this fear that Im going to end up alone, and the thought of never having children kills me. Even if I do somehow meet someone else how do I know he wont do this to me, I mean 4 years with someone, plans for the future and now Im left with nothing? I know I can manage on my own because I have always been independant and Im looking forward to not have anyone else to clean up after and having a house that I can completely decorate myself but I dont want to be on my own forever. I was not really in a serious relationship before him and now I miss it, I never thought this would hurt this much, I almost feel silly to be feeling like this.

Thanks for letting vent, if anyone has any advice or if you know the winning numbers to the lottery that would be great! Thank you

purpleshoes_2

You can either look on the black side of everything or you can take each day as it comes and see where life takes you.

Its horrible being dumped out of the blue, but it happens to loads of people who move on and find someone else.

KatieDee

Firstly, I'm sorry that your relationship has broken down. It's never easy to come to terms with, especially when you couldn't possibly prepare for it. It does sound as though you are coping extremely well though, and it's admirable that you're still studying and working more hours to help support yourself. Well done

In regards to babies...33 is no age at all! You still have plenty of time to meet somebody and have lots of lovely children. My mum was 38 when she had me and this was almost thirty years ago! There is no reason to worry about missing out on having children as even if you were in your forties, children are still an option!

Focus on your future and making yourself happy. You have a wonderful career in front of you by the sounds of things - there is no rush to fall pregnant and it will happen when the time is right. It's important to appreciate the other things you have going on, as once you start on the slippery slope of worrying about the years you have left to have a baby, it can become a bit of an obsession that blocks out the other joys in life!

It will happen...just relax, allow yourself to grieve for this recent relationship then get yourself back out there

sooty&sweep

One step at a time !
You are feeling really sad at the moment plus worrying about the practicalities of how to keep going as well. Don't try to think too much about the long term at the moment. It will overwhelm you if you let it. Give yourself some time & I bet everything else will begin to slot into place.
All the best
Jen xxx

meritaten

I wouldn't think about the future right now - it will take care of itself. right now all you can do is plough on. achieve your goals. THEN its time to take stock and decide on a 'direction'.
Yes it was a shock - and you are reeling from it. BUT - it was HIS decision and its out of your hands. all you can do is go on and TRY to be happy. and I think you will.

Newname_2

Thanks for all your replies, to be honest I think Im more upset about what could have been than anything else. I know that Im better off alone than being with someone who doesnt want to be with me, although I do wish I had some warning that this was coming, I would have started saving money for furniture at the very least lol!

KatieDee I think you've got it right about me worrying about the years left to have a baby, it is beginning to be a bit of an obsession, in fact yesterday my mother was speaking about what she would do if she won the lottery, I asked her if she would pay for a sperm donor for me lol! I was only partly joking. I think I feel more upset because I am actually the only single one left out of all my friends, and as much as they include me in things it feels awkward being round all these happy families.

Part of me knows that I am going to be fine and Im going to get over this but I just think I've had a lot to going on and I havent had time to deal with it properly. It only happened a few weeks ago and Ive had assignments due in which I have managed to complete on time, I've got two left till the end of the course so Im trying to concentrate on them while working as many hours as I can get my hands on and trying to get my house ready to move into. Im worried that when all my assignments are done and Im all settled in my new home that Im going to have a delayed reaction and just break down. It doesnt help that I still love him, wish I could switch my feelings off but I can't, although I know that will probably go at some point too.

Thank you all for your advice

meritaten

I understand - but in a few weeks time you WONT be feeling the way you do now. your mind will have moved on I think. and your emotions may well have 'caught up'. and if they haven't, then its ok to grieve. I think you realise even now that, it is over. and if, in a few years a partner hasn't materialised - then you have options. you do NOT have to be childless in this day and age.
and yes you still love him - but I can promise you that if you concentrate on the here and now, and try hard to put him out of your mind - that you can get over this.

bagpussbear

What an awful situation for you, sounds as though the rug has truly been pulled from under your feet.

My advice is not to overthink the future, the what if's, what other people have achieved etc at the moment. Try and focus on the day and getting through it.

33 is still young, don't think there won't be anyone else you'll fall in love with or your hopes of motherhood are dashed.

Those feelings you have for him will fade, and it does become easier as time goes on.

Hugs!

Dr._Shoe

His name's not Kevin is it? Exactly the same thing happened to me except he was having an affair...

marleyboy

Keep yourself sane and above all busy, there really is no point trying to figure out what went wrong. I can not imagine the best way anyone could end a relationship, but I wouldn't have the heart to just do it out of the blue like that, with no hint, no explanation other than saying "Its over, I no longer love you, now GTFO!".

If I could do something like that, ,,,,I just wouldn't be a Man.

In this respect your thoughts are better spent looking forward to the future rather than worrying about what used to be.

The right moment will come along for you. We had our first child in our 40s, and only a Year after we met. If and when that time comes for you, then that was the time that was meant to be, this is just a passing phase.

Concentrate on getting on with life, look after yourself and keep smiling as you build the prosperous future that you so deserve. Good luck OP

melloecastro

Just to send you a big hug. You deserve better. There are always options out there. I was in a relationship for 5.5 years, fell pregnant, he walked out, I lost the baby and was left in debt. Now I have met a wonderful man. No kids as yet but I have discovered it is better to be in the right relationship and hopefully kids happen. Everything happens for a reason. You will meet the right person and there always options to have a baby by another method. My friend used a free donor system and now has a beautiful 3 year old. 33 is no age. I am 37 trust me and I just remember that it is better to be with someone honest and caring who truly loves me and that if the worst happens there are other options to have a child. You will feel proud of yourself when you finish your studies and the house. Keep the faith! Yes there will always be people showing the happy photos on social media sites but nobody has a perfect relationship. It will happen for you!