My idiot son is a bully! Allegedly

CRANKY40

When I was excluded many. many moons ago I was supposed to have a bts interview on the first day back to school. My mum was fuming (with me, not the school) and managed to see the head the next day thereby ensuring less mental torment for me and a fitting punishment straight away and for the duration of the entire school holidays. The head was actually impressed that my mum was disturbed enough by the incident that she wanted to see someone straight away instead of leaving it like most parents (and the parents of my co-conspirator and incidentally the cause of the trouble) did.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

elisebutt65 wrote: »

Can't believe it! After all the stuff I've talked about with him, the way I thought I'd brought him up, the way he's treated at home and he's just been excluded from school for apparently waging war on another kid!!

He's 14, at a brand new academy for yr 10s up, so all kids were new in September, but a couple of mates from his old school there with him.

When I write it down, it seems trivial, but the school have had him in isolation for 2 days so it must be serious, but basically he was watching another boys YouTube in Computer Science class and made derogatory remarks about it. Whereupon this other lad had a go at him physically so the teacher had to separate them. My son was then put into isolation, with the other one taunting him. The teachers told my son to have no contact IRL or online.

Then at the weekend, my son was on one of his online games and this other lad popped up on the server, so he said hello. Nothing else: no harassment. He showed me and he just says hello and carries on playing. Unfortunately my son and another player had a disagreement and they were cussing each other out. This other (bullied?) lad screenshots the lot, even though it was nothing to do with him and takes it into school.


DS gets into school on Monday and within 5 minutes, he's in isolation again for communicating with the BO (bullied one). I.e saying hello!!
It's taken me until this afternoon to finally hear from the school. Apparently he's been harassing the BO by phone in class today & yesterday. This is despite the fact that the school confiscated his phone when they put him in isolation. So how's hes managed to pull that off, they couldn't say. In isolation, they don't have any lessons, phones or laptops. So effectively staring at the walls for 2 days!

I really want to work with the school on this but I really think they've gone too far. My son is now excluded until start of term next month! I am removing his pc and Internet access unless he is doing supervised homework but he is going to his dad's for a week on Saturday and he lets him get away with pretty much anything, so I always get to be the bad guy.
I'm at my wits end really here.
Help?

Was it absolutely clear online that he wasn't having a go at the other kid? It's not always obvious who somebody is referring to here - so maybe the other kid read it all and thought it referred to him.

Your son shouldn't have said hello to him, but less get embroiled in an online squabble with somebody else. If he hadn't done those, he wouldn't be in this situation. Hopefully he'll learn from this.

Most schools have zero tolerance on fighting now and will put both parties into seclusion, which means they are given work to do without computers. It's not staring at the wall unless they're consciously being awkward.

It's very possible that the other kid has ASD and reacted badly to 'oh, that's rubbish' (or more age appropriate terminology) and it was known he would react spectacularly when goaded. It's also perfectly possible for a phone to be borrowed for the precise purpose of continuing to wind someone up or get revenge for punishment.


Kids can be very different at school to home and even from one department to another. I have kids in music who are absolute angels who spend most of their other lessons in seclusion - and quite frankly, some are complete little gits for other staff and to other kids outside music.


They could be being a little harsh - but it could also be that he's just better at hiding his behaviour at home now and he's still a sociopathic little s*d at school. At the meeting, I'd ask whose phone he borrowed and what message he sent on it.

Either way, hopefully he'll learn that you don't give people who don't like you any ammunition. It's just not worth it.

pollypenny

I'd second that, Jojo!

Parents sometimes see completely different kids than we do in school.

peachyprice

balletshoes wrote: »

who says your son isn't allowed out of the house tomorrow?

It's part of most school standard terms of being excluded, it's to prevent it being a fun day off. They have to stay at home during school hours, not swanning around the streets.

Having said that, I don't think a doctors appt would count as he'd have been taken out of school for that anyway.

elisebutt65

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Most schools have zero tolerance on fighting now and will put both parties into seclusion

only my son was put into isolation. The other one, who got physical, was allowed to go free and was taunting my son through the window!

It's very possible that the other kid has ASD and reacted badly to 'oh, that's rubbish' (or more age appropriate terminology) and it was known he would react spectacularly when goaded. It's also perfectly possible for a phone to be borrowed for the precise purpose of continuing to wind someone up or get revenge for punishment.

nope. DS was in isolation in the admin office and escorted to and from lunch. Zero opportunity to borrow a phone

They could be being a little harsh - but it could also be that he's just better at hiding his behaviour at home now and he's still a sociopathic little s*d at school. At the meeting, I'd ask whose phone he borrowed and what message he sent on it.

Either way, hopefully he'll learn that you don't give people who don't like you any ammunition. It's just not worth it.

I'm going to try to see the head or deputy tomorrow if I can, before they break up. I'm not happy at this over reaction. The main 'witness' statement was taken from the lads best mate. His mother also weighed in saying that my son sent a friend request on FB, which is an absolute lie. The techies at school have been all over my sons feed with his permission and can find no trace of this. My son says he doesn't even have the other boy on FB and wouldn't even know his mum, and I believe him on this.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

elisebutt65

marisco wrote: »

Is it just me who finds it distasteful that a 14 year old boy, pretty easily identifiable by the detail of what is in the posts on here, is referred to as an idiot. There seems to be a lot of question about what has and hasn't gone on, and a need to get to the bottom of it all. I'd be establishing that and steering well clear of using derogatory terms that could potentially damage the relationship if seen.

He is an idiot though, and freely admits that. He shouldn't have acknowledged the boy on Sunday and realises that now. It's not meant nastily.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

elisebutt65 wrote: »

I'm going to try to see the head or deputy tomorrow if I can, before they break up. I'm not happy at this over reaction. The main 'witness' statement was taken from the lads best mate. His mother also weighed in saying that my son sent a friend request on FB, which is an absolute lie. The techies at school have been all over my sons feed with his permission and can find no trace of this. My son says he doesn't even have the other boy on FB and wouldn't even know his mum, and I believe him on this.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Fair enough - but surely he would need to be using 3G for Facebook, as the education network provider (outside school) would already block all social media sites? I know all the state schools in the borough I live in make it impossible to access them, blocking proxy sites and mirrors as well. Which mobiles don't do.

It's a piece of cake to delete your activity log to remove friend requests and searches. If I know how to do it, I'm sure a tech savvy teenager is capable of it.


I'd ask to see the screen shots.



It could be that the other kid is a pita. Kids with sen can be as objectionable as any other, by the way, if that's the case.

But it sounds as though the school has responded to the evidence they were presented with. If that's incorrect, they'll do something about it, but when a kid is told not to contact somebody, they mean not to contact them. So, whatever happens, he has directly ignored the instruction and has to take responsibility for bringing a lot of this on his own head. He may have been trying to be nice - but the same is said by kids who are actually being very sophisticated in intimidation and abuse. Adults, too. I see my ex as contacting me (can't block his number on my phone, so have to set his number to go straight to vm - doesn't stop him messaging or calling, but I don't get woken up by it) as intimidating, as he's showing complete disregard for my not wanting contact with him. Every time I get a message, always friendly, I expect him to turn up at my doorstep - if he hasn't already been lurking around out there at night. He hasn't been spotted yet, but I'm on edge for days afterwards. The same feelings happen for school kids, which is why anybody disobeying direct instructions not to contact somebody ends up in so much trouble - hopefully it stops them from doing it as an adult/escalating behaviour and reinforces the message that online activities leave traces that the kid is responsible for.



I hope he accepts that he shouldn't have done it. I hope he isn't actually being a ratbag at school. But if he learns that when somebody says 'don't do x' they mean 'don't do it', hopefully that's a positive to come from all this.

FredG

securityguy wrote: »

Online games: morally, intellectually and socially ugly. Why do parents have them in the house?

I have teenage children and a house full of more technology than you can shake a stick at. But no gaming: no X Boxes, no Play Stations, no games on the computers. It doesn't half reduce the amount of aggro.

How someone behaves on an online game is generally an extension of their regular social personality. It's not the technology that causes the problem, it's the person.

If a kid is juvenile, easily frustrated and sees anonymity as a chance to bully and insult others then online gaming is going to be a place for all that behaviour to flood out. If a kid is balanced, well raised, mature and respectful then they'll get a lot out of it from a totally different angle. Teamwork, problem solving, interaction, exposure to different upbringings.

100% dependent on the individual. A sweeping statement that a medium is ruining society makes zero sense.

On topic - remember that kids these days are often a lot more tech savvy than their parents. I'm not casting accusations as I don't know the character of your son but always dig deeply and look closer. He's probably got the talent and know how to be hiding a hell of a lot which may paint the situation in a worse light.

iammumtoone

I would approach the school in a way which you come across asking for their help, rather than going in on the defensive.

Ask to speak to the teacher who is in charge of your sons punishment, explain to them that you want to support the school and implement additional punishments at home however your son is telling a completely different story to the school so you want to hear their side and see all the evidence so you can support them and remove further privileges from you son if it turns out he had been lying to you.

This way if it turns out the school are telling the truth you will not lose face and if your son is right then you can argue his side and go on from there explaining that do not have evidence to back up the other childs story then why are they taking his word against your sons.

Regarding the other lads friend being the 'witness' I am sure the school will have questioned him alone and made sure his story tallied with the 'victim'. Whilst school teachers are not the police they will be very familiar with children wanting to protect their mates and I am sure like the police they will have questions they ask both parties to try to make sure they are being given facts and ways to 'trip' children up if they are lying.

iammumtoone

but when a kid is told not to contact somebody, they mean not to contact them. So, whatever happens, he has directly ignored the instruction and has to take responsibility for bringing a lot of this on his own head. He may have been trying to be nice - but the same is said by kids who are actually being very sophisticated in intimidation and abuse. Adults, too. I see my ex as contacting me (can't block his number on my phone, so have to set his number to go straight to vm - doesn't stop him messaging or calling, but I don't get woken up by it) as intimidating, as he's showing complete disregard for my not wanting contact with him. [/QUOTE]

That is a very good example why no contact should mean no contact. However if you inadvertently walked into a room/game where your ex was and he said 'hello' I bet you would leave? Which is what the 'victim' should have done and I am sure if he really felt intimated/bullied by the sons OP then this is what he would have done.