My idiot son is a bully! Allegedly

duchy

iammumtoone wrote: »

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Regarding the other lads friend being the 'witness' I am sure the school will have questioned him alone and made sure his story tallied with the 'victim'. Whilst school teachers are not the police they will be very familiar with children wanting to protect their mates and I am sure like the police they will have questions they ask both parties to try to make sure they are being given facts and ways to 'trip' children up if they are lying.

That is one huge assumption.

It is the way it should be but teachers are human and I've seen firsthand teachers who simply can't be bothered so will take the first tale they are told as gospel just to end the issue as they don't have the time or inclination to address it properly. All teachers are not the same.

iammumtoone

duchy wrote: »

That is one huge assumption.

It is the way it should be but teachers are human and I've seen firsthand teachers who simply can't be bothered so will take the first tale they are told as gospel just to end the issue as they don't have the time or inclination to address it properly. All teachers are not the same.

Fair point, it may or may not have been done which is why the OP needs to go to the school with an open mind and speak to them, to find out what evidence they have and what procedures they have in place to find out what actually did happen.

It seems like a school with zero tolerance to any kind of disruptive behaviour (I can't see that anything particularity bad has happened) many schools would not have issued this severe punishment for this type of misconduct. It the school have this policy that's fine but they should have the procedures in place to make sure that any pupil punished by it, is actually in the wrong.

duchy

iammumtoone wrote: »

Fair point, it may or may not have been done which is why the OP needs to go to the school with an open mind and speak to them, to find out what evidence they have and what procedures they have in place to find out what actually did happen.

It seems like a school with zero tolerance to any kind of disruptive behaviour (I can't see that anything particularity bad has happened) many schools would not have issued this severe punishment for this type of misconduct. It the school have this policy that's fine but they should have the procedures in place to make sure that any pupil punished by it, is actually in the wrong.

I'm drawing on my time working in a high school and I found that most kids this age would see things completely from their viewpoint -which often meant missing out something hugely relevant -but it wasn't that they were deliberately lying - but just they were seeing things from solely their viewpoint. I always felt there were 3 stories - child A, child B and the reality.

I do think the OP needs to dig a bit deeper with the school -especially with regards to them punishing her son for contact outside of school and the business about the harassment by phone whilst in isolation. I've worked in an isolation unit in a high school and it simply wouldn't be possible. She doesn't have the whole story at this point.

mustang121

I would teach your teenager that its far easier and better to be the grown up and walk away from such childish behaviour as even in the adult working environment there are people just waiting to take screenshots / print outs of e-mails.


I don't understand how people get in to situations in the Online world as its incredibly easy to Mute, block and kick annoying players. Sounds like the situation could have been avoided if he has used these functions.

scooby088

Afraid i am all to aware that schools are very inept at dealing with bullying and very adept at covering it up. Plus with academies its not a case of going to the local authority to complain either.

Plus with everything being online these days there is more chance to escalate the bullying to social media and ceop advise to keep all evidence and that includes taking screenshots of alleged bullying.

warmhands.coldheart

Maybe it's just me but I do think this whole "Bullying Industry" has got a bit out of hand.... So a couple of kids have a tiff... !!!!!!, nobody died.. sounds like the bullied lad is by no means all sweetness or innocent in this... they all need to just get over it...
Who the heck hasn't been bullied in some level in their lives...... It builds character in many ways if it's just low level stuff like his example..... it prepares you for the sh.1t you get in real life!!

And I would also question why the heck the school let kids watch YouTube in a class... I'd be having a go at them about that..

As for your son in "Isolation"... what the he.ll is that all about.... so you can't take your kid on holiday term time because they'll miss lessons but schools can happily make them miss lessons as some form of draconian punishment??? I'd be having a bl00dy good go at them over that too....

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

iammumtoone wrote: »

but when a kid is told not to contact somebody, they mean not to contact them. So, whatever happens, he has directly ignored the instruction and has to take responsibility for bringing a lot of this on his own head. He may have been trying to be nice - but the same is said by kids who are actually being very sophisticated in intimidation and abuse. Adults, too. I see my ex as contacting me (can't block his number on my phone, so have to set his number to go straight to vm - doesn't stop him messaging or calling, but I don't get woken up by it) as intimidating, as he's showing complete disregard for my not wanting contact with him.

That is a very good example why no contact should mean no contact. However if you inadvertently walked into a room/game where your ex was and he said 'hello' I bet you would leave? Which is what the 'victim' should have done and I am sure if he really felt intimated/bullied by the sons OP then this is what he would have done.[/QUOTE]


Depends. Having threatened it repeatedly for months in his unanswered messages, he turned up at a venue where I was playing once. I couldn't walk out because that would have let the rest of the band and the audience down (which would have cheered him up immensely) and, had I left, he would have undoubtedly followed me home. So I had to pretend he wasn't there. Fortunately, being surrounded by the guys meant he 'only' came up and said hello. All nice and friendly, like. Wanted to say he bore me no malice and i had nothing to fear from him being in town indefinitely for the rest of the summer, he didn't want me to ever feel alone, because he was always going to be there. All very nice on the surface. Nothing that could have justified his being removed by the door supervisor or being asked to leave by the guys.

Didn't stop me puking up and my knees buckling from anxiety afterwards, though.

[Deleted User]

My now 19 year old has aspergers. When I finally let him have xbox live, he was playing a game with people he knew in school, and they quite deliberately asked him to call in my then six year old and said some quite foul and inappropriate things to him. Thereafter my son was allowed to use his xbox, but only in the last year has he had anything live or that involves chatting. He did nothing wrong (except exercise bad judgement), but I gained a good understanding of the nastier side of his age group. One of the yobbos actually harangued me on facebook because I wouldn't let my son use xbox live. He was expelled from school (no connection) shortly thereafter for behaviour problems. Its obviously never happened again.

I know my son has had problems with bullying at school (one the receiving end), one school was active about it, some not. But even in the good school, the kids would come up in the lunch hour when my son was using his laptop, and shriek in his ear, knowing full well he'd jump out his skin and get nervous. Nothing could be done about that I was told..

Kids will find a way around things.

However, I'd be wanting to talk with the school about what their proof is. The school could be over reacting, there may be things going on you don't know about.

My son would not be going back to school until I knew as much as I could about the situation and had agreed with the school what was going to be done about it, both at home and in school. Unfortunately, you are your son's only advocate. So you have to take a lead role in making sure he has some justice. To the school he's just another one of hundreds of boys.

There also seems to be some inconsistencies. A meeting at work comes before your son? You can put off meetings you know. Quite frankly I'd be more bothered about letting down my son than a member of staff at work or student (particularly if a meeting can be put off for a few hours).

If he MUST go on the pc ., bring the pc downstairs, work with him. Don't take your eyes off him. Make absolutely sure nothing inappropriate goes on. Its the only way. Otherwise, unless you are there, actively watching (know the old switching screen trick myself).,. there's no access to the net unless his behaviour shows he's earned a reward.

Keep an eye on his history (and pray he doesn't know how to go online without history showing what he's doing - or find a browser that doesn't allow this) so you know exactly what he's doing even if he's earned some online time.

I'm afraid, assume he's lying unless you can prove otherwise (by past behaviour because he's earned some trust). Be sceptical. Not in terms of accusing him all the time but by being watchful. Don't treat him like an adult with the codes of behaviour we have learned.., he's shown his judgement isn't always brilliant. Actively teach him what's acceptable and what isn't. Be consistent. However busy you are.., whatever is going on in your life i.e. don't 'ground him' and then say 'I can't ground him tomorrow because xxx is at home'. See it for what it is.

Give him clear goals and rewards. Find something he likes, spending time with you, going swimming, going somewhere etc.., and offer it as a reward if he does x, y, and z.

I hope this helps.

elisebutt65

deannatrois wrote: »

My now 19 year old has aspergers. When I finally let him have xbox live, he was playing a game with people he knew in school, and they quite deliberately asked him to call in my then six year old and said some quite foul and inappropriate things to him. Thereafter my son was allowed to use his xbox, but only in the last year has he had anything live or that involves chatting. He did nothing wrong (except exercise bad judgement), but I gained a good understanding of the nastier side of his age group. One of the yobbos actually harangued me on facebook because I wouldn't let my son use xbox live. He was expelled from school (no connection) shortly thereafter for behaviour problems. Its obviously never happened again.

I know my son has had problems with bullying at school (one the receiving end), one school was active about it, some not. But even in the good school, the kids would come up in the lunch hour when my son was using his laptop, and shriek in his ear, knowing full well he'd jump out his skin and get nervous. Nothing could be done about that I was told..

Kids will find a way around things.

However, I'd be wanting to talk with the school about what their proof is. The school could be over reacting, there may be things going on you don't know about.

My son would not be going back to school until I knew as much as I could about the situation and had agreed with the school what was going to be done about it, both at home and in school. Unfortunately, you are your son's only advocate. So you have to take a lead role in making sure he has some justice. To the school he's just another one of hundreds of boys.

There also seems to be some inconsistencies. A meeting at work comes before your son? You can put off meetings you know. Quite frankly I'd be more bothered about letting down my son than a member of staff at work or student (particularly if a meeting can be put off for a few hours).
no. I'm back at work. I'm a teacher & I can't take time off as & when. Unfortunately work pays bills & puts food on the table. I work an hour from ds's school. I'm arranging to see them before that.
If he MUST go on the pc ., bring the pc downstairs, work with him. Don't take your eyes off him. Make absolutely sure nothing inappropriate goes on. Its the only way. Otherwise, unless you are there, actively watching (know the old switching screen trick myself).,. there's no access to the net unless his behaviour shows he's earned a reward.

Keep an eye on his history (and pray he doesn't know how to go online without history showing what he's doing - or find a browser that doesn't allow this) so you know exactly what he's doing even if he's earned some online time.

I'm afraid, assume he's lying unless you can prove otherwise (by past behaviour because he's earned some trust). Be sceptical. Not in terms of accusing him all the time but by being watchful. Don't treat him like an adult with the codes of behaviour we have learned.., he's shown his judgement isn't always brilliant. Actively teach him what's acceptable and what isn't. Be consistent. However busy you are.., whatever is going on in your life i.e. don't 'ground him' and then say 'I can't ground him tomorrow because xxx is at home'. See it for what it is.

Give him clear goals and rewards. Find something he likes, spending time with you, going swimming, going somewhere etc.., and offer it as a reward if he does x, y, and z.

I hope this helps.

Thanks.

He hasn't been out of the house since he got back from school & has been doing homework all day, apart from meal breaks. I've been popping up behind his back at random and he's done an amazing amount of work & not been gaming or skyping