Family argument re: funeral attendance

[Deleted User]

Well he has dropped it slightly now that I've not offered.

Thing is I always put my family first over career. I don't believe in that. I would do anything for my Dad and never would choose work over him or anyone else if they really needed me. BUT, you've got to draw the line somewhere. And not paying for a taxi is just not acceptable.

Like I said, its not my employer they're my client so whereas they're nice enough people I'm just a paid for (expensive) resource who will be gone in a few months. Dad just doesn't get that.

When it came down to the fact that the main thing was he wanted a lift home I was not impressed. It would literally cost him £10 in a taxi yet he expected me to drive home 80 miles just to pick him up.

And no work no pay the afternoon off would have cost me about 10 or so of such taxi rides. No counting the bad feeling with the client.

[Deleted User]

meritaten wrote: »

if you cant go to the funeral because of work commitments - what logic makes your dad think you can pick him up from wake? just say 'Sorry Dad, but I really cant help you this time', and leave it at that.


(why cant your brother pick him up from wake)?

Its funny with my brother. He always has some excuse or other and I think my Dad sort of writes him off and just thinks hes useless I'll just get me to do it.

Pollycat

Have you tried explaining it to him in the way you have done in your post #22?

Or is he totally oblivious to logical reasoning?

[Deleted User]

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Previous posts lead most of us to conclude the op's father is, despite adequate income/savings, relative good health for his age and no reason (such as mental debility) to stop him being independent like any other adult, deliberately choosing to act helpless and prefers to have people running around after him. To the extent of refusing to buy a washing machine in preference to having somebody else come and wash it all by hand for him, if I remember correctly (apologies if that's somebody else's father, OP).

Nope that's him. Same as now.

Still won't buy one. Brothers girlfriend still does. Im staying out of this one. They dont do much for him so she can carry on. (they live a mile away - I live 20 miles).

No way in a million years will I ever do it for him. I work long hours (and 90 mins commute to work), wife is ill and struggles to look after our own family with a toddler.

So if he thinks he can get me to it rather than get off his backside, learn to use a washing machine or save a few £ and pay a launderette then hes out of luck.

Pollycat

[quote=[Deleted User];67958909]Nope that's him. Same as now.

Still won't buy one. Brothers girlfriend still does. Im staying out of this one. They dont do much for him so she can carry on. (they live a mile away - I live 20 miles).

No way in a million years will I ever do it for him. I work long hours (and 90 mins commute to work), wife is ill and struggles to look after our own family with a toddler.

So if he thinks he can get me to it rather than get off his backside, learn to use a washing machine or save a few £ and pay a launderette then hes out of luck.[/QUOTE]

You are all enabling him to continue being like he is.
Why?

[Deleted User]

Pollycat wrote: »

Have you tried explaining it to him in the way you have done in your post #22?

Or is he totally oblivious to logical reasoning?

LOL. If I said even 1/4 of this to him I'd get it all. I dont ask much of you, can't you do this one small thing for me, I'm getting old now I cant do these things etc etc.

This is the father who when he was in hospital a few years ago, insisted I visit him every night after work. So I'd drive 30 miles straight from work, then get home at 9pm or so, hardly see my family for a few weeks.

And dont get me started about xmas day in hospital. I said I'd come into see him later in the day AFTER the kids had opened their presents etc. His answer - can't you come in the morning? There'll be other xmases to see the kids....

[Deleted User]

Pollycat wrote: »

You are all enabling him to continue being like he is.
Why?

Brother and his girlfriend live close. They do nothing for him apart from this. He asked her she agreed.

Im keeping out of it. If shes dull enough to do it then thats her problem but I have no sympathy for her.

This all started 20+ years ago when he moved into flat (After divorce). I said get washing machine, his sister (older than him) said no no no he cant do it I'll do it. So he gave it all to her for 10-15 years. She carried bags of washing on the bus for years.... Nuts.

Of course, she gets older and cant cope now. Shes managed to extricate herself from it now. And we're left with him thinking - its too late now I'll never learn I cant do it. Cheers auntie....

Pollycat

[quote=[Deleted User];67960125]LOL. If I said even 1/4 of this to him I'd get it all. I dont ask much of you, can't you do this one small thing for me, I'm getting old now I cant do these things etc etc.

This is the father who when he was in hospital a few years ago, insisted I visit him every night after work. So I'd drive 30 miles straight from work, then get home at 9pm or so, hardly see my family for a few weeks.

And dont get me started about xmas day in hospital. I said I'd come into see him later in the day AFTER the kids had opened their presents etc. His answer - can't you come in the morning? There'll be other xmases to see the kids....[/QUOTE]

Then just say 'no'.

I can't help feeling that you're wallowing in this - and enjoying it in some perverse way.

maman

I'm with you on this one paul and totally sympathetic.


I know you're father is reasonably healthy and mentally sound but there's something about some elderly people and a second childhood and a sense of entitlement.


Unfortunately that doesn't stop the guilt trip. I'm not sure it's deliberate emotional blackmail but it feels that way.


I agree with how you're dealing with it but that doesn't make it easier.:)

borkid

[quote=[Deleted User];67960125]LOL. If I said even 1/4 of this to him I'd get it all. I dont ask much of you, can't you do this one small thing for me, I'm getting old now I cant do these things etc etc.


.[/QUOTE]
Emotional blackmail, it's his way of controlling you. It's up to you what you do about it.

I had this all through my childhood and early adulthood, finally I managed to say NO and left home putting 200 miles between us. It was only then I had a life of my own. He tried it on afterwards but I was strong enough to say no. The one time I gave in it was a disaster and I never returned again for my own safety.