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Family argument re: funeral attendance

Bit of background. Got Dad, and there's my brother. I live 20 miles away, brother lives 1 mile away.

I'm sort of self-employed and do contract work so no work no pay. Currently I work 60 miles away from home (further away from Dad).

Anyway, last few family funerals I've made the effort and gone to. Sometimes is been real hassle. Each time brother hasn't gone - Dad makes excuses hes working and cant get time off.

Sadly, my uncle Dads brother passed away. Sad but I wasn't that close - saw him once or twice in 20 years probably.

Tried to sort something out in work but its no go. Remember these are my client not my employer so they have no obligation. And of course, its 80 miles away so I cant just nip out for an hour or two.

Funeral is monday, so I spoke to Dad middle of last week. Explained the situation to him and he was fine. Said yes he understood, no problem. Apaprently brother said he was going, Dad cousin was going and could give him a lift to the wake (5 miles away from where dad lives).

Speak to him today. Brother has suddenly got one day work on monday (hes not working at the mo). Good chance this is a lie based on past experience and has probably just decided he cant be bothered. But he cant turn it down according to Dad.

Also, Dads cousin is going but not to the wake because hes not well now. Another one - decided he doesnt want to go now. Dad is put out now because he wants to go the wake, can get a lift there but hows he going to get home? Basically, asked if I can help..... Guilt trip.

The annoying thing is he could get a taxi home (its 5 miles) but he point blank refuses to get a taxi because he doesn't believe its right for "people like him" to pay for taxis. (Id pay but that wouldnt make a difference and hes loaded anyway).

He really wants me to drive 80 miles, jeopardise my contract by letting them down, because he doesnt want to pay £10 for a taxi.

Not the first time I've had this taxi argument. He just will not use a taxi. Stupidly, I got stung with it before when he was in hospital. They wouldnt let him have an ambulance home, so he sat there all day even though they offered to arrange a cab. I offered to pay (I was 50-60 miles away at the time) but no he sat there until I drove back and picked him up and took him home in my car.

£10 in a taxi it would have cost but no he just didnt see why he had to pay it. Even though, it was probably 120 miles out of my way and 3-4 hours of my time. Nuts really.
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Comments

  • As I see it you have the following options:

    1. Tell him he's able to go to the funeral but not the wake if he goes with cousin

    2. Tell him he's able to go to the funeral and the wake if he's prepared to pay for a taxi

    3. See if any other attendee can bring him home from the wake
  • BrassicWoman
    BrassicWoman Posts: 3,218 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Mortgage-free Glee!
    I hope all you are looking for here is some reassurance that it is ok to put your career first.

    It is. He's being a child. Go to work. You've been round this block a few times with him and you need to stop giving in!
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  • Ms_Chocaholic
    Ms_Chocaholic Posts: 12,761 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    I remember your posts from previously, the washing machine, your brother, the trip home from hospital.

    I think you need to put your foot down and say to him if he wants to go to the wake then he will have to get a taxi, you can't help this time.
    Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till the End
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  • Gavin83
    Gavin83 Posts: 8,757 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Sorry to be blunt but your being a mug here. He's acting like a stubborn child and you treat him the same as you would a stubborn child. In other words, ignore him until he gets fed up and deals with it. There are only so many days he'd be willing to spend in a hospital reception before he went home.

    As for the wake tell him you aren't going full stop. Literally everything else is his problem. If he wants to go he can make his own way home. If he does decide to go don't under any circumstances pick him up.
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 35,911 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Savvy Shopper!
    edited 3 April at 1:58PM
    [quote=[Deleted User];discussion/5197938]Bit of background. Got Dad, and there's my brother. I live 20 miles away, brother lives 1 mile away.

    I'm sort of self-employed and do contract work so no work no pay. Currently I work 60 miles away from home (further away from Dad).

    Anyway, last few family funerals I've made the effort and gone to. Sometimes is been real hassle. Each time brother hasn't gone - Dad makes excuses hes working and cant get time off.

    Sadly, my uncle Dads brother passed away. Sad but I wasn't that close - saw him once or twice in 20 years probably.

    Tried to sort something out in work but its no go. Remember these are my client not my employer so they have no obligation. And of course, its 80 miles away so I cant just nip out for an hour or two.

    Funeral is monday, so I spoke to Dad middle of last week. Explained the situation to him and he was fine. Said yes he understood, no problem. Apaprently brother said he was going, Dad cousin was going and could give him a lift to the wake (5 miles away from where dad lives).

    Speak to him today. Brother has suddenly got one day work on monday (hes not working at the mo). Good chance this is a lie based on past experience and has probably just decided he cant be bothered. But he cant turn it down according to Dad.

    Also, Dads cousin is going but not to the wake because hes not well now. Another one - decided he doesnt want to go now. Dad is put out now because he wants to go the wake, can get a lift there but hows he going to get home? Basically, asked if I can help..... Guilt trip.

    The annoying thing is he could get a taxi home (its 5 miles) but he point blank refuses to get a taxi because he doesn't believe its right for "people like him" to pay for taxis. (Id pay but that wouldnt make a difference and hes loaded anyway).

    He really wants me to drive 80 miles, jeopardise my contract by letting them down, because he doesnt want to pay £10 for a taxi.

    Not the first time I've had this taxi argument. He just will not use a taxi. Stupidly, I got stung with it before when he was in hospital. They wouldnt let him have an ambulance home, so he sat there all day even though they offered to arrange a cab. I offered to pay (I was 50-60 miles away at the time) but no he sat there until I drove back and picked him up and took him home in my car.

    £10 in a taxi it would have cost but no he just didnt see why he had to pay it. Even though, it was probably 120 miles out of my way and 3-4 hours of my time. Nuts really.[/QUOTE]

    It is most certainly 'nuts' and if you do anything other than say 'no' to driving your Father home from the wake, you'll be nuts too.

    Your Father has a perfectly acceptable way of getting himself home from the wake but won't use a taxi. That's his problem, not yours.

    He really is 'nuts'.
  • PasturesNew
    PasturesNew Posts: 70,698 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    I had something similar with my dad. Wanted me to take a precious day off work to drive him to hospital in the morning, then collect later that day. I pointed out that a volunteer hospital driver would be cheaper than my 2x fuel cost, not to mention the fact I had 1.5 days/month allowed off with annual leave and didn't want to "waste" it when there were so many other important things that crop up to use those days.

    I said I'd pay for the community/volunteer driver bill .... as it'd be cheaper than me driving.
  • Could your brother not pick your dad up from the wake after he has finished work?

    Surely someone at the funeral will have room in their car to get him from funeral to wake.

    Just need to tell your brother to 'step up'
  • He'll either go or he won't. Not your problem, either way.

    This is a fully grown man, not a nine year old.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
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  • silvercar
    silvercar Posts: 49,899 Ambassador
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Academoney Grad Name Dropper
    It isn't just the time or the work or the money, it is the emotional need for the Dad to have a family member with him.

    Acknowledge that it is upsetting to have to go on his own, but it can't be helped.
    I'm a Forum Ambassador on the housing, mortgages & student money saving boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Forum Ambassadors are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
  • robotrobo
    robotrobo Posts: 921 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 500 Posts
    can you not put him in the box!, before its nailed shut:)
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