Making a show of leaving child when going out

barbiedoll

I was a SAHM for 3 years and my son was quite clingy when he was young. When I went back to work and had to leave him with the childminder, I was quite nervous and prepared for a major drama. He'd already met her several times and we had visited her house to prepare him.

On the first day, I dropped him off and my childminder didn't actually let me in the house. I said goodbye to my son and he looked a bit teary-eyed and his bottom lip was starting to wobble. Childminder (who used to be a nursery nurse) briskly said "Now it's time for Mummy to go" and basically hustled me off of her doorstep and shut the door! I hovered around for a couple of minutes, expecting to hear my son wailing and crying for his mummy, but the silence was deafening :rotfl:

When I spoke to her later on during the day (she called me), she apologised for appearing rude in the morning, but explained that parents were often more upset at leaving their kids, than the kids were. She said that by not making a big deal of it, the kids settled down much more quickly. She said that my son had asked about me a few times and she reassured him that I'd be back just after lunch, when I finished work at 1pm. She timed his lunch so that he would be finished just before I arrived so that he would know that she was telling the truth and that he could trust her.

She was great and my son loved going to her house, I never had any problems with him going to school, and I attribute that to her very sensible attitude. As another poster said, it is absolutely the parents' problem, I've seen so many kids having major tantrums at the school gates when their parents simply can't let go.

OP, you should just hustle the parents out of the door and don't give them the chance to engage in the dramatics. Honestly, we're harder work than our kids! :rotfl:

xHannahx

We don't even give ours a bye when leaving with a relative, as even saying bye causes problems. We normally leave them with their nan, and she keeps them busy whilst we slip out the door. If they notice us leaving we have big tears.

browneyedbazzi

Thank you all for your comments - I'm glad (perhaps that's not the right word, comforted?) that I'm not being daft and that others have noticed similar things. The different views are helpful in trying to understand what's going on.

Deleted_User wrote: »

Can you not explain this to the parent and maybe say (if its true) that's it putting you off babysitting for them, as its un-necessarily making your job harder.

I have thought about saying something but the mum is really sensitive and takes every comment/suggestion like you're saying she's a terrible parent and doesn't respond well. It's her first baby and I think she's found it all really difficult, I don't really want to make her feel worse.

gayleygoo

I have always tried to keep goodbyes brief with my LO's. A quick hug, kiss, "love you, mummy will back later" gently nudge them in the direction they need to go, and then leave. Making a big deal out of it does make it harder. When my DS went to nursery, he did have some anxiety at the beginning and the teachers were very good about encouraging him to come in and have fun, and I could tell that they really didn't want 100 parents bunging up the corridors for ages every morning.

My sis works in a nursery and says there are a couple of kids who scream and cry for 20mins as their parents fuss and worry over them, but as soon as the parent actually goes the child is absolutely fine.

With a first child, everything tends to be harder. Every cry can grate on a parent's heartstrings! OP, do you do any kind of notes/report on the child's day? If so, maybe you could write on it that the child settled quickly after parent had left and happily played with the little kitchen or whatever. It could reassure the parent that they are fine. Or send a text shortly after she leaves (although this could backfire if she expects a text every morning!)

You may have to be firm with the parent :rotfl: allow time for a quick goodbye, then say to the child "we've got a very busy morning planned so we'll let Mummy go now", and direct her out the door. Try not to allow time for tears and provide a distraction!

oystercatcher

I can still remember the pain of leaving my first child at nursery. (He's 25 now !!) It is so hard to explain the parental bond you form.
I 'put my sensible mummy hat on' and just left him as I knew it was the right thing to do but I can remember trying to glimpse him through the windows and wondering what he was doing. I did have two other pre-school children to go home with too but that didn't make it any less painful. I think some parents can't cope with that pain or they expect their child to feel the same and this leads to all the unnecessary fuss.

You do need to be tactful with the parents though otherwise the critiscism may lose you your job, there's lots of useful suggestions from previous posters .

squirrelchops

FBaby wrote: »

No offense, but I don't think you get it until you become a parent yourself and suddenly realise that the life of your child is more worthy to you than your own. You are attached to this little thing so much (and sometimes beyond what you can cope with!) and so build such a strong attachment bond that yes, leaving your children even for a few hours can really be tough.

I really really don't think parent do enjoy seeing their kids cry seeing them leaving, on the opposite, but they kind of can't help themselves.

I do totally agree that it doesn't do the child any favours though and it is something that as a parent, you have to learn to cope with, ie. letting your treasured belonging go and accepting they are a being of their own. It comes more naturally for some parents than others, but it is an instinctive natural response to being a parent.

Attachment though, as we know it in a psychological sense is the child's attachment to care giver and the development of a secure base from which the child can explore the world around them.

Children who have good attachment to a primary caregiver will usually manage change such as being dropped off at nursery without too much fuss as they will look to the care giver for how they should respond. Therefore if a parent is crying and clingy
to the child, the child's innate emotional state is going to be 'wooooahhh, something is up here, something is unsafe.....help,how do I regulate myself'. Hence parents who breeze in, don't make a fuss and get on with it will be emotionally telling their child 'hey, its ok here, it's safe' and the child thus will feel safe in their environment.

seven-day-weekend

squirrelchops wrote: »

Attachment though, as we know it in a psychological sense is the child's attachment to care giver and the development of a secure base from which the child can explore the world around them.

Children who have good attachment to a primary caregiver will usually manage change such as being dropped off at nursery without too much fuss as they will look to the care giver for how they should respond. Therefore if a parent is crying and clingy
to the child, the child's innate emotional state is going to be 'wooooahhh, something is up here, something is unsafe.....help,how do I regulate myself'. Hence parents who breeze in, don't make a fuss and get on with it will be emotionally telling their child 'hey, its ok here, it's safe' and the child thus will feel safe in their environment.

Like I said, if the parent makes it a big deal, the child will make it a big deal.

These parents who make it a big deal should try being adults and putting the child's needs before their own emotions.

browneyedbazzi

gayleygoo wrote: »

OP, do you do any kind of notes/report on the child's day? If so, maybe you could write on it that the child settled quickly after parent had left and happily played with the little kitchen or whatever. It could reassure the parent that they are fine. Or send a text shortly after she leaves (although this could backfire if she expects a text every morning!)

I look after the little one as a favour for the parents who are a relation - it's not a formal/paid arrangement or a regular thing; mostly if they want a day/night out without him. I've never done notes/reports about his time with me but we do keep in touch via text/mobile and I also tend to send photos on whatsapp during his stay (always of him happy!).

I'm sort of coming to the conclusion that the mum's behaviour is because of her own insecurities - it's a bit like another poster said, if he's not bothered about her going she feels less needed/cared about and perhaps thinks it makes her look bad. On the contrary I think that a well adjusted child with a secure attachment that doesn't kick up a fuss when he's left with people he knows is a sign of what a good mum she is!

maman

I think you've thought this through very well bazzi, and you're doing all the right things. I'd just carry on doing distraction and as time goes by let the texts and photos fade out.


My DD2 is/was like this. She'd call to speak to DGD (who was invariably asleep as we always put her to bed at sensible times unlike in her own home) and ask 'did you miss me?' when she came to pick her up. As DGD has grown up and needs her less DD has transferred her attentions to her dog who now gets pampered instead!


I think it's an insecurity on the part of the adult. Some people see being a mum as their role and are trying to prove they're indispensable.

alwaysskint96

FBaby wrote: »

No offense, but I don't think you get it until you become a parent yourself and suddenly realise that the life of your child is more worthy to you than your own. You are attached to this little thing so much (and sometimes beyond what you can cope with!) and so build such a strong attachment bond that yes, leaving your children even for a few hours can really be tough.
.

I must ber a strange parent then . I had 3 kids but never found it tough leaving them for a few hours and my eldest was in nursery from 16 weeks old ( less maternity leave then)


Oh well 2 eldest grown into fairly sensible self sufficent adults and the "baby" is looking forward to secondary school- not clingy or afraid