Making a show of leaving child when going out

browneyedbazzi

I wonder if any of you can shed some light on something that I've noticed. I don't have any children myself but from time to time I watch little ones for friends or family. Often I will arrive the the little one will seem quite happy to see me and I'll sit down to play with them. When the mum is leaving, rather than a quick goodbye while the child is happy and distracted they seem to drag out leaving until the child realises what is going on and is upset.

I'd think it would be better for everyone if the little one isn't upset but it really does seem like the parent wants (possibly not consciously) the child to be upset by their leaving.

Why??? Is it about feeling needed/loved? Is it a bit of spite towards the person who's left behind to settle the little one? Is it just so difficult to leave a child when going out for a couple of hours? I don't get it!

seven-day-weekend

I think parents should just give a brisk 'bye, I'll be back later, you have a nice time with bazzi ' and go. That's what I always did and my son was never upset at my going. If you make a big deal of it, the child will think it's a big deal.

I know it's not the same, but I am a petsitter and many people do the same with their dogs, instead of just going there's always loads of hugs, goodbyes, treats, in fact a huge deal made of it and it makes the dog anxious. They should just go. Having said that, we've never had one dog that has 'pined' for its owner, at the worst they may sit by the door for half an hour, we just leave them to it and then they will come away in their own time, then they are fine. Most don't even do this.

So to get back to your original point, yes I think it is the parent who makes the problem, reflecting THEIR separation anxiety onto the child.

robotrobo

browneyedbazzi wrote: »

I wonder if any of you can shed some light on something that I've noticed. I don't have any children myself but from time to time I watch little ones for friends or family. Often I will arrive the the little one will seem quite happy to see me and I'll sit down to play with them. When the mum is leaving, rather than a quick goodbye while the child is happy and distracted they seem to drag out leaving until the child realises what is going on and is upset.

I'd think it would be better for everyone if the little one isn't upset but it really does seem like the parent wants (possibly not consciously) the child to be upset by their leaving.

Why??? Is it about feeling needed/loved? Is it a bit of spite towards the person who's left behind to settle the little one? Is it just so difficult to leave a child when going out for a couple of hours? I don't get it!

I think you are perfectly right in your lodgic & thinking , when we look after our granchildren while they are happy to stay with us anyhow, but if things are not perfect then the parent will slip away quickly & quietly &everything is fine.

atolaas

Can't speak for other parents but when my now 4 yo was younger and I was leaving him say at nursery or with a relative for a few hours. I wouldn't say goodbye if he was already doing something else and suitably distracted, I'd just let the adult know I was going and I'd see them later. No need to upset my LO. If he wasn't distracted then I would say goodbye to him and tell him that I'd see him later. Yes he would cry, but I wanted him to know that I'd come back and I wasn't just abandoning him forever.


Now he's at school we do sometimes have a bit of drama at the school gate when he decides he'd prefer to go and spend the day with me instead. Then he realises he's got all his friends to play with and I'm quickly forgotten about.

browneyedbazzi

atolaas wrote: »

If he wasn't distracted then I would say goodbye to him and tell him that I'd see him later. Yes he would cry, but I wanted him to know that I'd come back and I wasn't just abandoning him forever.

That sounds reasonable to me - much more so than what I experienced recently when it took a mum 20 minutes to 'say goodbye' to the little one. It started with 'mummy is going out for a little while, be good, I'll see you later' but when the child didn't react and still seemed perfectly happy the whole thing got dragged out...after 20 minutes of mum 'saying goodbye' over and over in an increasingly emotional way the little one was upset and she finally went.

greenbee

My SIL does this. Even dropping them off for an hour or so involves 10 minutes of cuddles and 'I love you so much, I'm going to miss you'.

vulpix

O perleese.
I worked in a reception class for 18 years.It is the Mother's problem.I even had one Mother hiding in bushes to make sure her son was suitably upset after her swansong.Say Bye,see you later,,kiss,kiss gone!Without exception once Mum has gone the child cheers up.

vulpix

PS We had one child with "terrible problems" with her waterworks.We never saw any incidence of it but the child would always wet herself at hometime just as Mum expected.

Marisco

When my kids started school, I'd say as we got to the door "oh look there's *friends name*" then walk briskly (actually run like hell!! ) away before they realised I'd gone!!

Jagraf

I used to see this at nursery when i used to drop DD off. Their child would be perfectly fine and then the parent would make absolutely sure the child felt guilty about the parent leaving :cool: half the time I reckon they were thinking "poor you, I can play all day and you have to go to work". Nice bit of emotional role reversal.

AmyTurtle

When I babysit either my niece or godson (both 18 months) their mums just slip out when they aren't looking!