Elderly parents, do they drive you mad!

Ilovemoneysaving

I can't be the only over 50 with an elderly mum who I wouldn't be without, but as an only daughter don't have anyone to share my frustrations with. My husband is very supportive, but I don't like to moan to him because even to myself I sound a bit petty!
Bit of an example was yesterday when I called in and helped in the garden, at 88 she is still active, but wanted to plant some bulbs. I cut the grass and then said I'll do the bulbs, the next minute she's planting the bulbs and then saying that her legs will probably play her up all night! She doesn't like to not be doing anything while I'm there I really don't mind but I think she feels guilty when I'm working and she isn't.
I lost my Dad 12 years ago and really miss being able to laugh about my Mum with him. Would be great to have a brother or sister who feels the same as me.
I'm very lucky I don't have to work full time and do have the time to take her shopping and out and about, but sometimes it feels like I have sole responsibility for her, even going on holiday I tend to call her every day and although she wants me to have a good time she tends to wish the time away until I'm home!
Anyway moan over!

lessonlearned

Bless you for being a good daughter, but yes it can be hard work.

We are just part of the "sandwich generation" caring for generations both below us and above us.

I'm 63 now, guiding and helping my own children and looking after my elderly parents, 89 and almost 90.

Mum in a nursing home and dad literally on his last legs but still fiercely independent. He is due surgery next week, I'm dreading it.

I do at least have my sister to share it all with, although being a recent widow myself I sometimes just cannot face dealing with mum and dads problems and then of course I feel guilty because I feel I'm leaving it all to my sister......

And of course in all this I sometimes neglect myself. I'm just recovering from a flu like lurgy and I feel utterly drained.

I guess we just have to grit our teeth and get on with it, remembering that they may not be with us for much longer. I don't think my parents can have much longer. Mum has already "gone" in as much as she has dementia and hardly knows us now. As for dad he is so frail it looks like a sudden gust of wind would finish him off.

Hang in there and just smile sweetly. Be patient with her. Let her potter about whilst she can, let her feel she still has a bit of independence.

One day she will be gone.......

margaretclare

Planting bulbs at this time of year? Do you mean summer-flowering bulbs, or snowdrops 'in-the-green'? Most flowers that come from bulbs are already flowering!

If she can do it, let her. I wish I could. Due to hips and back, I can't bend down far enough, and I'm not quite her age.

Errata

Just be as patient with your mum as she was with you when you were a toddler and a teenager. I remember my ma seeing things from a different point of view so I often just used to agree with her eg ' my backs's killing me, I'll pay for it tomorrow' "yes ma, you'll probably be bedridden for the rest of your life - or you could just take a couple of paracetamol"

DigForVictory

Dear heavens yes. Parents can get quite spectacularly dippy with age. I'm blessed with two both still fairly active if increasingly deaf.

At least as "the Techie One", I've managed to sheild them from most of the online scams, but neither of the will listen to me on the subject of cars & garages.

I do my best to love them albeit from the wrong end of the country & to cope with my sisters' more local perceptions & disagreements over what's going on.

Ilovemoneysaving

Thanks all for your lovely replies, the bulbs were gladioli so really needed doing asap! After posting this I had a voicemail from her saying how lovely the garden looked and what a great kid I was, I didn't delete it as I may just have to listen to it again!

Errata, yes humour does work best, as does counting to ten!

Just sharing this has made me realise that one day she won't be around and no doubt I will develop that selective memory of all the good times and ignore the irritations.

Have a good evening all, shopping day tomorrow, for the life of me I can't understand why she leaves looking at her shopping list just as we are about to unload the trolley and then generally we have to go back round the shop again! Note to self remind Mum at the start of shopping!

margaretclare

At 88 and planting bulbs - I love it. It does show that she has a hope/expectation of actually seeing those bulbs come into flower! I think that's a very healthy and positive attitude. A lot of people that I seem to hear about have the opposite attitude: 'it's not worth it. I might not be here....'

lessonlearned

Had a call from mums GPtoday, she had another stroke yesterday. GP reckons this time is the big one. Have spent all day at her bedside......all her grandchildren came and said their goodbyes.

In the meantime my dads consultant called me. Dad was due a minor but extremely unpleasant "procedure" next Tuesday. apparently when they did his pre-op assessment it turns out his heart is enlarged and diseased. Not sure what we can do for him yet. I haven't told him that his consultant called me I thought I would wait until we see him on Tuesday.

Now I don't even know what to do about Tuesday, if mum dies in the next day or so, then he will be in no fit state for his op......

Definitely enjoy your elderley mum whilst you can, even if she drives you nuts.;)

Ilovemoneysaving

Margaretclare, yes we do joke about not seeing them and each year she has said that she can't see herself doing so much next year!

Lessonlearned, you are having a really tough time and I can't imagine how you are coping in such a situation I just hope you get through it ok.

chesky

Sometimes it's the other way round you know! My 52 year old son sometimes says 'I'll help you with the garden next time I'm in London'. So when he's here he starts by doing the things HE thinks I should want doing, rather than the things I REALLY want doing. It can be extremely maddening and I'm the one who has to count to ten (under my breath). And then sweetly smile and say thank you darling.

Ilovemoneysaving

Good point Chesky, as I'm no gardener I let her tell me what to do, I'm always worried I'll chop something down or dig something up that I shouldn't!
I think she gets annoyed with herself that her body isn't capable of all the things she used to do, although I am happy to report that her legs were fine and didn't play her up at all.