Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

May Targets:
Days getting longer and summer only around the corner, May is the month to sell a no longer wanted classic, I think.

Organise trip to Rutland Water with in-laws. Now have a day.
Organise Whitsun holiday. 1. Trip to R.W.
Start work on the bathroom
Total Grocery Spend: £65 / £400... not looking too good to say it's the 2nd! :rotfl:
Surplus Money: £70 / £1,000.
11.30pm bedtime: 0 / 31. Not going to happen tonight but an 00:00 one might ...
Meditation: 1 / 31. Should have meditated rather than allowing myself to become very stressed today.
Schedule / Spreadsheets: 2 / 31. This is getting so much easier.
De-clutter and Sell: / 5 items.
New Recipes: / 4.
Books read for pleasure: / 3.
Learn something new or refine a skill: 1. Continue learning and applying new knowledge to create more sophisticated and streamlined spreadsheets. 2. Learn a new piece of repertoire. 3. Demolishing a bathroom.

Rather unproductive day today and have been very stressed.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

You can call screen really easily with an old fashioned answering machine.

I have an answering machine but the 'phone will ring for quite a while until it cuts in.

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

Even better, get a caller id phone, that way, you weren't in when they phoned, you were out in the garden, or tinkering with the car, or taking a walk with your son - weren't you? "Nobody is in, they must have went out" I hear them say

:rotfl: I wish!

cazmanian_minx wrote: »

Alex, are you on Mumsnet by any chance? (Not such a strange question as it sounds, there are plenty of guys on there!) They have an ongoing thread on the Relationships called "But we took you to Stately Homes!" where you'll find a lot of other people dealing with difficult relationships with their parents where the parents refuse to acknowledge that anything's wrong. Some of the links and recommended books in the first post might be a help. https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749701-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

No, I'm not on Mumsnet. However, I will have a look. I'm starting to think my parents are "toxic".

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

If that's the case then you'll be safe at school.:)

:rotfl: You don't know my parents ... they'll find the school's number and call me there. :eek: :mad:

armchairexpert

Alex, I rarely post on here but I am joining my voice to the chorus in the hope that you will listen to the tune we're singing (how's that for a laboured metaphor?). I know you've struggled with depression and anxiety, but have you ever considered seeing a therapist on an ongoing basis and talking about your childhood and your ongoing relationship with your parents?

Your parents are abusive. You know well that they abused you as a child, but physical abuse isn't the only sort, and it's very clear that they've continued to do so over time. Your descriptions of how they treat Little LK are heartbreaking - he's obviously a very well behaved child, who's expected to meet very high expectations of behaviour even in his own home, and yet he's never good enough for them. It sounds like you can see that, because he's your son and you love him and you can see that he's small, and sweet, and eager to love and be loved - well, that's you too. That's who you were. Small and eager to please, with parents who tried their hardest to crush it.

But when you talk about it, you normalise it. It's "generational" and they're "difficult". Which I get. That's a very standard coping mechanism. But it's not actually true. I'm your age, or slightly older, and nothing you describe bears any resemblance to my upbringing - I'm not talking about finances, just parenting.

You can protect both of you now, your son and yourself, because you're an adult. But it sounds like you don't believe that - you still believe that you'll 'have to' give up your dreams if they pressure you, and the best you can do is hope that they won't. They've instilled such feelings of powerlessness in you, and that's where I think therapy would help you. It's not easy, to hear these things. But your parents are going to ruin your life - your career, your marriage, your son - if you let them.

gallygirl

AlexLK wrote: »

I have an answering machine but the 'phone will ring for quite a while until it cuts in.

Only if the phone is plugged in .

Seriously Alex, your parents ARE toxic. They need to learn boundaries and if they are not prepared to then for the sake of your mental health and your family you need to walk away. The time will come when an emergency arises and you will not respond as you'll be expecting another 'emergency - what was that car reg.' conversation. That would benefit no-one.

Save

kelpie35

I'm starting to think my parents are "toxic".

They are Alex.

For the sake of your own mental health and for the happiness of you, your wife and son, you need to walk away NOW

You, as a family, are being mentally abused by your parents. It is so sad to hear how they treat you and your family. Please, please walk away for every ones sake.

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

:rotfl: You don't know my parents ... they'll find the school's number and call me there. :eek: :mad:

Then you come clean with the school and get them to protect you.


I had a member of staff whose FIL, a retired Colonel, used to call school. Using his full title of course. After much rolling of eyes (fortunately we didn't have video phones;)) we would respond (truthfully or otherwise) that S**** was teaching, couldn't leave the class and wouldn't be available until whatever time. Calls became increasingly infrequent. If they start crying wolf and using emergencies as a reason I'd suggest a message is relayed suggesting they call 101 or even MrsK's work. She'll sort them out!!:D


Seriously though Alex. It may sound extreme but you need strategies to prevent them bullying you.

Red-Squirrel_2

AlexLK wrote: »

:rotfl: You don't know my parents ... they'll find the school's number and call me there. :eek: :mad:

And they have the nerve to think their manners are so superior!

Karmacat

Alex, you know what? I think a good idea might be to speed read through the last few pages of your diary, not for your own posts, but for others' - to get a sense of the level of support you have, and the indignation on here at how your parents are treating you.

I read what you wrote on the last page about where home is, and where you've been happy, and it was so sad ... your home is with your wife and son, Alex, believe me, and they are happy with you. I can hear that you're in a whirlwind of change right now about everything else, but you need to process that at your own pace, and I believe you will. You can be happy in the place your wife and son call home. You can come to think of it as home too.

-taff

If they weren't your parents would you want to spend time with them? If they were friends who treated you like this would you want to spend time with them?
If they weren't your parents and they treated your son like they are, would you let them?

People don't get special dispensation to act like [insert swear word] just because they are related to you.
Don't make excuses for their behaviour, they know exactly what they are doing.

You are an adult, you get to choose who you see and when and why.


You go girl!

AlexLK

May Targets:
Days getting longer and summer only around the corner, May is the month to sell a no longer wanted classic, I think.

Organise trip to Rutland Water with in-laws. Now have a day.
Organise Whitsun holiday. 1. Trip to R.W.
Start work on the bathroom
Total Grocery Spend: £95 / £400... but had to replace some stock supplies.
Surplus Money: £70 / £1,000.
11.30pm bedtime: 0 / 31. Not going to happen tonight but an 00:00 one might ... again!
Meditation: 1 / 31. Not needed to.
Schedule / Spreadsheets: 3 / 31. This is getting so much easier.
De-clutter and Sell: / 5 items. 3 items gone up for sale.
New Recipes: / 4.
Books read for pleasure: / 3.
Learn something new or refine a skill: 1. Continue learning and applying new knowledge to create more sophisticated and streamlined spreadsheets. 2. Learn a new piece of repertoire. 3. Demolishing a bathroom.

Really, really good day teaching. Also managed to put three items up for sale this evening, too.

armchairexpert wrote: »

Alex, I rarely post on here but I am joining my voice to the chorus in the hope that you will listen to the tune we're singing (how's that for a laboured metaphor?). I know you've struggled with depression and anxiety, but have you ever considered seeing a therapist on an ongoing basis and talking about your childhood and your ongoing relationship with your parents?

Your parents are abusive. You know well that they abused you as a child, but physical abuse isn't the only sort, and it's very clear that they've continued to do so over time. Your descriptions of how they treat Little LK are heartbreaking - he's obviously a very well behaved child, who's expected to meet very high expectations of behaviour even in his own home, and yet he's never good enough for them. It sounds like you can see that, because he's your son and you love him and you can see that he's small, and sweet, and eager to love and be loved - well, that's you too. That's who you were. Small and eager to please, with parents who tried their hardest to crush it.

But when you talk about it, you normalise it. It's "generational" and they're "difficult". Which I get. That's a very standard coping mechanism. But it's not actually true. I'm your age, or slightly older, and nothing you describe bears any resemblance to my upbringing - I'm not talking about finances, just parenting.

You can protect both of you now, your son and yourself, because you're an adult. But it sounds like you don't believe that - you still believe that you'll 'have to' give up your dreams if they pressure you, and the best you can do is hope that they won't. They've instilled such feelings of powerlessness in you, and that's where I think therapy would help you. It's not easy, to hear these things. But your parents are going to ruin your life - your career, your marriage, your son - if you let them.

kelpie35 wrote: »

I'm starting to think my parents are "toxic".

They are Alex.

For the sake of your own mental health and for the happiness of you, your wife and son, you need to walk away NOW

You, as a family, are being mentally abused by your parents. It is so sad to hear how they treat you and your family. Please, please walk away for every ones sake.

I once saw a counsellor (seen a lot over the years ) who focused on my parents. It really upset me and I felt like I was being made to blame them. I don't think I was but at the time I was very ill and didn't speak to anyone other than my wife and parents. Perhaps I do need to get some kind of therapy.

It greatly upsets and angers me when they are cruel to my son. It saddens me when I can see they are being kind and my son struggles to show them affection.

There are times when my parents have and do support me. I visited them after school today because my father left an answerphone message. I sat with him and listened to his regrets. He said to me "why do I keep making the same mistakes?", the thing is, he is genuinely upset. If it were as simple as them being complete monsters, it would be easy to just walk away.

gallygirl wrote: »

Only if the phone is plugged in .

Seriously Alex, your parents ARE toxic. They need to learn boundaries and if they are not prepared to then for the sake of your mental health and your family you need to walk away. The time will come when an emergency arises and you will not respond as you'll be expecting another 'emergency - what was that car reg.' conversation. That would benefit no-one.

Save

:rotfl: .

Real emergencies I don't hear about. A few years back my father was taken seriously (critically) ill. I heard the evening after the day it happened.