Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

Then you come clean with the school and get them to protect you.

I had a member of staff whose FIL, a retired Colonel, used to call school. Using his full title of course. After much rolling of eyes (fortunately we didn't have video phones;)) we would respond (truthfully or otherwise) that S**** was teaching, couldn't leave the class and wouldn't be available until whatever time. Calls became increasingly infrequent. If they start crying wolf and using emergencies as a reason I'd suggest a message is relayed suggesting they call 101 or even MrsK's work. She'll sort them out!!:D

Seriously though Alex. It may sound extreme but you need strategies to prevent them bullying you.

I hadn't thought about that but if that happens I will, thanks.

:eek: Re. the retired Colonel but I can just imagine.

:rotfl: If a message was relayed for my parents to call my wife's work, I'm not sure who'd kill me first ...

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

And they have the nerve to think their manners are so superior!

Yes, ironically so, Red-Squirrel. They are quite rude with others but expect everyone else to have impeccable manners around them.

Karmacat wrote: »

Alex, you know what? I think a good idea might be to speed read through the last few pages of your diary, not for your own posts, but for others' - to get a sense of the level of support you have, and the indignation on here at how your parents are treating you.

I read what you wrote on the last page about where home is, and where you've been happy, and it was so sad ... your home is with your wife and son, Alex, believe me, and they are happy with you. I can hear that you're in a whirlwind of change right now about everything else, but you need to process that at your own pace, and I believe you will. You can be happy in the place your wife and son call home. You can come to think of it as home too.

Thanks, Karmacat. I will do that.

I struggle to think anyone could be happy with me but hope you're right. About all you've posted, I hope you're right.

AlexLK

-taff wrote: »

If they weren't your parents would you want to spend time with them? If they were friends who treated you like this would you want to spend time with them?
If they weren't your parents and they treated your son like they are, would you let them?

People don't get special dispensation to act like [insert swear word] just because they are related to you.
Don't make excuses for their behaviour, they know exactly what they are doing.

You are an adult, you get to choose who you see and when and why.


You go girl!

No, no, no. However, I do still care about them and they have nobody other than I.

My cousin has said something similar re. just because related / making excuses. I suppose I do make excuses.

"You go girl!"??! :rotfl:

Karmacat

AlexLK wrote: »

I once saw a counsellor (seen a lot over the years ) who focused on my parents. It really upset me and I felt like I was being made to blame them. I don't think I was but at the time I was very ill and didn't speak to anyone other than my wife and parents. Perhaps I do need to get some kind of therapy.

I totally get where you're coming from with this. That counsellor, by the way - thats a counsellor who's going at their own pace, not at yours, and thats not good counselling or good therapy. Your own pace is the only one thats right for you, no matter what other people see.

It greatly upsets and angers me when they are cruel to my son. It saddens me when I can see they are being kind and my son struggles to show them affection.

But thats the consequence of being cruel to children - a child will learn, if they have an otherwise rounded upbringing, that they can't trust the cruel person. Your son has a depth of good experiences with you and your wife, so he can see when someone else is sometimes nice and sometimes nasty. And he won't trust their niceness because he knows they can suddenly turn nasty.

There are times when my parents have and do support me. I visited them after school today because my father left an answerphone message. I sat with him and listened to his regrets. He said to me "why do I keep making the same mistakes?", the thing is, he is genuinely upset. If it were as simple as them being complete monsters, it would be easy to just walk away.

Absolutely! And of course you wouldn't naturally write about that on here because its not a problem - on here, you write about the problems, so what people see (and what counsellors hear in counselling rooms) is kind of lopsided.

Bit of a thing to take on board, though. Your dad knows that he's making mistakes. He even recognises that he's making the *same* mistake. The pattern between you has been built up by him. A really good counsellor could maybe help you build on those moments of connection with your dad, and really turn things around?

AlexLK wrote: »

I struggle to think anyone could be happy with me but hope you're right. About all you've posted, I hope you're right.

I know you struggle with that, Alex - I recognise it in myself, actually.


Anyway, Rutland Water. Good choice. Build up good memories with loving family :j that's my actual prescription :j

Save

LadyGnome

Alex, your parents are flawed human beings just like the rest of us. They are a product of their personalities, experiences, attitudes, upbringing. That combination may well have made their parenting style toxic. It is quite possible to dislike their behaviour without blaming them. They may not have the self-awareness to change. I don't think your parents are actively cruel people but that doesn't mean their behaviour isn't hurtful. It may well be that your parents did what they believed was for the best and parented to the best of their ability but weren't very good at it, and you suffered the consequences. It's OK to acknowledge that their parenting was, as a matter of fact, toxic without it being deliberately toxic.

hiddenshadow

AlexLK wrote: »

Start work on the bathroom Not today. Actually ended up having a laugh with father-in-law over it rather than being insulted.
Meditation: 1 / 31. Just before father-in-law arrived I was feeling like I was going to have another panic attack. Meditation helped me put it into perspective and we had a really good evening.
3. Demolishing a bathroom apparently I cannot do this unless Mrs K is here to help as she can't wait to do the job :rotfl: Probably sounds a bit strange but I do love the fact she's not a "princess".

So glad to read this (esp. the first two).

Not all women are "princesses". ;-) I'm much more eager to get stuck in on DIY than DH. Mind, I wasn't overly happy the two days I demolished our bathroom (solo!) and then had nowhere to shower after. :rotfl:

badmemory

LadyGnome wrote: »

It is quite possible to dislike their behaviour without blaming.

I hope you can achieve this. My sister did, unfortunately I could not. She is definitely more 'content' than I am because I am unable to forgive. But having no children she did not have to listen whilst her mother denied her son birthday/christmas presents because he didn't take the actions she wanted him to. (We are not talking mega money here, £20/£30, he just got bigger presents from me.) It was the hurtful actions not the money.

The main thing is that you are ensuring that your son does not experience this sort of behaviour towards him from his parents.

cazmanian_minx

hiddenshadow wrote: »

So glad to read this (esp. the first two).

Not all women are "princesses". ;-) I'm much more eager to get stuck in on DIY than DH. Mind, I wasn't overly happy the two days I demolished our bathroom (solo!) and then had nowhere to shower after. :rotfl:

Another not-a-princess here I had a very happy few weeks with a hammer and pry bar last year taking out the lining boards on the walls of all three bedrooms and the hallway down the road (it would have been lovely to keep them, but they were riddled with woodworm), I've spent most of April plastering and tonight my vintage tractor and I are going rush-cutting in my big field :D

Red-Squirrel_2

cazmanian_minx wrote: »

Another not-a-princess here I had a very happy few weeks with a hammer and pry bar last year taking out the lining boards on the walls of all three bedrooms and the hallway down the road (it would have been lovely to keep them, but they were riddled with woodworm), I've spent most of April plastering and tonight my vintage tractor and I are going rush-cutting in my big field :D

I think the 'princess' types are actually pretty rare. Most women I know will happily get stuck in and work hard, whether its DIY, their paid jobs or the domestic hard graft.

I've definitely met (and dated ) one or two male versions of the 'princess' too so its not gender specific! :rotfl:

gallygirl

I've worked with a few 'princesses' and there are some within my extended family. Goodness, how draining they are :eek::eek::eek:.

AlexLK

May Targets:
Days getting longer and summer only around the corner, May is the month to sell a no longer wanted classic, I think.

Organise trip to Rutland Water with in-laws. Now have a day.
Organise Whitsun holiday. 1. Trip to R.W. 2. Trip to the coast.
Start work on the bathroom :eek: A bit stressed about this at the moment. My wife thinks we're ready to begin this weekend, has drawn up a gantt chart and started a budget spreadsheet. We are almost certainly going to be taking on some 0% debt and I feel ill every time I see the predictions on her budget spreadsheet. She says I need to try to relax about it and believes when we've paid for it by the end of the year having had the bit of debt, paid quickly and with no interest will help me.
Total Grocery Spend: £95 / £400.
Surplus Money: £70 / £1,000.
11.30pm bedtime: 2 / 31. 1 last night and will be 1 tonight.
Meditation: 2 / 31. Did it together with my wife, I was stressed about the potential debt and she was angry about something bitter divorcee work colleague said to her.
Schedule / Spreadsheets: 5 / 31.
De-clutter and Sell: / 5 items.
New Recipes: 1 / 4, nothing exciting, just an omlette and salad (I'd never made this for myself before ).
Books read for pleasure: / 3.
Learn something new or refine a skill: 1. Continue learning and applying new knowledge to create more sophisticated and streamlined spreadsheets. 2. Learn a new piece of repertoire. 3. Demolishing a bathroom.

Karmacat wrote: »

I totally get where you're coming from with this. That counsellor, by the way - thats a counsellor who's going at their own pace, not at yours, and thats not good counselling or good therapy. Your own pace is the only one thats right for you, no matter what other people see.

But thats the consequence of being cruel to children - a child will learn, if they have an otherwise rounded upbringing, that they can't trust the cruel person. Your son has a depth of good experiences with you and your wife, so he can see when someone else is sometimes nice and sometimes nasty. And he won't trust their niceness because he knows they can suddenly turn nasty.

Absolutely! And of course you wouldn't naturally write about that on here because its not a problem - on here, you write about the problems, so what people see (and what counsellors hear in counselling rooms) is kind of lopsided.

Bit of a thing to take on board, though. Your dad knows that he's making mistakes. He even recognises that he's making the *same* mistake. The pattern between you has been built up by him. A really good counsellor could maybe help you build on those moments of connection with your dad, and really turn things around?

I know you struggle with that, Alex - I recognise it in myself, actually.

Anyway, Rutland Water. Good choice. Build up good memories with loving family :j that's my actual prescription :j

Save

Thank you, Karmacat. Your advice is much appreciated.

Re. the counsellor, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to realise it at the time but, yes, that counsellor was working at their own pace.

LadyGnome wrote: »

Alex, your parents are flawed human beings just like the rest of us. They are a product of their personalities, experiences, attitudes, upbringing. That combination may well have made their parenting style toxic. It is quite possible to dislike their behaviour without blaming them. They may not have the self-awareness to change. I don't think your parents are actively cruel people but that doesn't mean their behaviour isn't hurtful. It may well be that your parents did what they believed was for the best and parented to the best of their ability but weren't very good at it, and you suffered the consequences. It's OK to acknowledge that their parenting was, as a matter of fact, toxic without it being deliberately toxic.

Thanks, LG, that makes a lot of sense.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

So glad to read this (esp. the first two).

Not all women are "princesses". ;-) I'm much more eager to get stuck in on DIY than DH. Mind, I wasn't overly happy the two days I demolished our bathroom (solo!) and then had nowhere to shower after. :rotfl:

Thanks, Hiddenshadow.

I don't suppose I actually know many "princesses" myself. Mother isn't, wife isn't and cousin isn't. However, a lot of people I know from school / university have wives that are.

:rotfl: Re. the bathroom.