Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

JforGEM wrote: »

Hello Alex
I hope you don't mind me commenting on your diary.
Have you seen the World Health Org video called 'I had a black dog, his name was depression'?
It worth knowing about as it helps explains why 'Daddy is sometimes under the weather' beautifully.
I saw it for first time this week at a Stress Course I'm going to for anxiety/depression,
it's used in schools but I'm not sure what age from.
Hope this is of some use to you.

Do not mind you commenting at all.

I suppose I don't want my son to find out when he's older lest he thinks badly of me. I'm still quite ashamed about the fact I struggle with mental health problems. In "real life" I do my best to hide it. Most people I know are aware but only know because someone I went to school with decided to tell everyone he could about why I no longer worked for his father. Any that didn't know and read MSE likely know now as I was foolish when I signed up to the forum.

greent wrote: »

I remember sitting our children down and telling them about OH's depression in a basic fashion - it helped them to understand that his mood swings/ constant sleepiness etc weren't anything to do with them - and lifted a weight off of me of constantly trying to 'cover up' for him and pretend everything was ok

My wife wants me to tell him when he's older because she's worried my son will think there's something "really wrong" with me.

If you don't mind me asking, did you telling your children change their perception of their father? Also, how old were the children?

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

Great update - you have selected your next couple of items to Marie Kondo (declutter)

Not sure if this is relevant or not but will tell you anyway

A few years back I went through a "stage" where I constantly "worried" about absolutely everything, could never really relax. And when there was a "moment" when I realised I wasn't worrying, I worried cause there was "something" missing :eek: so started to worry cause I wasn't worrying:o,

I now do not worry about anything much, what will be, will be.

I really can't give any advice, but I do hope your panic attacks settle and you feel more comfortable as time progresses

Thanks, A Frayed Knot. Unfortunately, no progress today on the Challenge as I spent the day with my family.

I don't think I've managed to completely relax for years. I understand about the worrying, it's something I do all the time. Today after spending lunch and the afternoon with my parents I walked away from their house and all I could think about is what a loser they and my wife must think I am. Nobody had said anything to warrant these thoughts.

So desperate to get some sleep tonight and not to wake up throughout the night that I'm going to try meditation. Mrs K thinks it's hilarious but I'm at the stage where I'll give anything a go.

AlexLK

Gally! Just read the article you sent ... thought it was going to be a 2 minute read! :rotfl:

The start is rather disturbing apparently I'm someone that hides my true self from the world (agree, the world wouldn't want to know me otherwise), fails to nourish my family (hope not), lacks intimacy with my wife (well, not if this evening was anything to go by :rotfl:), lacks self worth (agree), have issues with the past (yes) and have difficulty moving forward with life (agree with that). I suppose it's all rather shockingly true, really.

However, I can't help but be a little unwell at the thought of someone being a "tidier" since the age of 5! :eek: :eek: :eek: Personally I think the article has a lot of "hocus pocus" but states some good practices for decluttering the house i.e. things I don't do.

A_Frayed_Knot

AlexLK wrote: »

I don't think I've managed to completely relax for years. I understand about the worrying, it's something I do all the time. Today after spending lunch and the afternoon with my parents I walked away from their house and all I could think about is what a loser they and my wife must think I am. Nobody had said anything to warrant these thoughts.

So desperate to get some sleep tonight and not to wake up throughout the night that I'm going to try meditation. Mrs K thinks it's hilarious but I'm at the stage where I'll give anything a go.

This is not a "worry" but a negative thought. Instead of thinking that, why not think positively - like ..........

That was a lovely lunch, and pleased I made my parents happy by visiting them, you and your family are very thoughtful to visit


You do what you feel will work for you. I'm a great believer in natural remedies, I once bought a mini roll on for pulse points with Lavender, to help relax and sleep. I was told it worked a treat, just can't remember if it was bought from Boots or Sup3rdrug

MagicCat

Alex, I'm another lurking reader jumping in to comment here, I hope you don't mind - ignore if it's no help. Re telling your son about depression, I wanted to share my experience. My dad has had significant mental health issues since before I was born (I'm about your age). Like greent my parents explained this to myself and my siblings from an early age - it did help us to understand we were not the cause of his depression, anger etc. He had a particularly bad eisode when I was about 7, I can remember taking turns with my mum to sit with him when she needed to be with my siblings with the unspoken worry he might do something to hurt himself if left alone - and realising then how powerless we really are to keep someone safe, no matter how much we love them.
His mental health varied through my childhood - he is bipolar with alcohol addiction issues - he had another bad breakdown when I was 17 and had to leave work and alcohol issues were very bad a few years ago around the time of my wedding.
The reason I'm sharing this is you seem to worry your son will think less of you (not love you?) if he 'finds out' about the depression. I can only speak from my own experience, but I can say that significant as they are my father's mental health problems are only a small part of the person he is and my relationship with him. He was a caring and loving dad, I remember the time he took to play games with us, what fun he was. He supported my ambitions to study, often in very PRA tical ways, and is one of the kindness people I know. Was he like this all the time? No, but none of us is as we are human and not perfect. Understanding his struggles with mental health has I hope made me more compassionate and less judgemental myself. Do I think less of him for having these problems? No, if anything I think more seeing how he struggled and still struggles, and I would challenge prejudice in society that would see him as somehow less because of his problems.
I've rambled on for long enough, but I wanted to give you a perspective of how little k might feel in later years. It's your decision when and how you tell him, but remember he loves you, the person, not some perfect ideal, and will continue to do so even if you don't think that's possible.
Good luck, and thank you for sharing your experience in this diary.

gallygirl

The start is rather disturbing apparently I'm someone that hides my true self from the world (agree, the world wouldn't want to know me otherwise), fails to nourish my family (hope not), lacks intimacy with my wife (well, not if this evening was anything to go by :rotfl:), lacks self worth (agree), have issues with the past (yes) and have difficulty moving forward with life (agree with that). I suppose it's all rather shockingly true, really.

TMI :eek::o:rotfl:

However, I can't help but be a little unwell at the thought of someone being a "tidier" since the age of 5! :eek: :eek: :eek: Personally I think the article has a lot of "hocus pocus" but states some good practices for decluttering the house i.e. things I don't do.

If you think that's hocus pocus there then you should read the book! But underneath all the 'woo' is a way of organising and living your life in a way that is much simpler and calmer, where you own your stuff rather than the other way round. Plus there is real joy to be had from opening a drawer and seeing your socks and 'smalls' neatly folded . Trust me on that .

I'm with the others in saying you should be ready to tell Little K when the time is right. I can see why you want to shield him from worry - but as others in your family's situation have said it's better in the long run (as so many difficult things are).

Hope the sun is shining for you today .

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

lacks intimacy with my wife (well, not if this evening was anything to go by :rotfl:)

:eek::eek::eek:

AlexLK

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

This is not a "worry" but a negative thought. Instead of thinking that, why not think positively - like ..........

That was a lovely lunch, and pleased I made my parents happy by visiting them, you and your family are very thoughtful to visit


You do what you feel will work for you. I'm a great believer in natural remedies, I once bought a mini roll on for pulse points with Lavender, to help relax and sleep. I was told it worked a treat, just can't remember if it was bought from Boots or Sup3rdrug

Thinking positively seems to be something I just don't do. Not sure why but even when younger I wasn't particularly positive.

I see my parents most days. They say they like and appreciate that.

Well, the meditation resulted in 5 1/2 hours of unbroken sleep which was better than in a while. Going to try going to bed a little earlier tonight, before 1am. Do really want to sort this out as I'm spending the weekdays getting very little sleep, only to sleep too much at the weekends and annoy my wife.

I don't mind the scent of lavender but my wife would be laughing into next week (and probably worried about my sexuality) if I decided to start smelling of it. Perhaps I ought buy her some lavender perfume. :rotfl:

MagicCat wrote: »

Alex, I'm another lurking reader jumping in to comment here, I hope you don't mind - ignore if it's no help. Re telling your son about depression, I wanted to share my experience. My dad has had significant mental health issues since before I was born (I'm about your age). Like greent my parents explained this to myself and my siblings from an early age - it did help us to understand we were not the cause of his depression, anger etc. He had a particularly bad eisode when I was about 7, I can remember taking turns with my mum to sit with him when she needed to be with my siblings with the unspoken worry he might do something to hurt himself if left alone - and realising then how powerless we really are to keep someone safe, no matter how much we love them.
His mental health varied through my childhood - he is bipolar with alcohol addiction issues - he had another bad breakdown when I was 17 and had to leave work and alcohol issues were very bad a few years ago around the time of my wedding.
The reason I'm sharing this is you seem to worry your son will think less of you (not love you?) if he 'finds out' about the depression. I can only speak from my own experience, but I can say that significant as they are my father's mental health problems are only a small part of the person he is and my relationship with him. He was a caring and loving dad, I remember the time he took to play games with us, what fun he was. He supported my ambitions to study, often in very PRA tical ways, and is one of the kindness people I know. Was he like this all the time? No, but none of us is as we are human and not perfect. Understanding his struggles with mental health has I hope made me more compassionate and less judgemental myself. Do I think less of him for having these problems? No, if anything I think more seeing how he struggled and still struggles, and I would challenge prejudice in society that would see him as somehow less because of his problems.
I've rambled on for long enough, but I wanted to give you a perspective of how little k might feel in later years. It's your decision when and how you tell him, but remember he loves you, the person, not some perfect ideal, and will continue to do so even if you don't think that's possible.
Good luck, and thank you for sharing your experience in this diary.

I don't mind you posting and thank you for doing so.

Yes, I'm concerned my son will think less of me when he's older. I've no respect for myself, so don't really expect anyone else to have any either. However, my son seems to think I'm the best person in the world! I know this is purely just because I'm his father and am the one who's "there" mostly.

It is more about me one day breaking his perceptions of me, than about love. I suppose it may be somewhat presumptuous but I had a very difficult relationship with my parents during my twenties (basically estranged for a few years) but whilst I couldn't speak to them I knew that I still loved them.

Thank you for sharing. I hope that one day my son will be a compassionate and tolerant man. Whilst I know I'm a sad excuse for a human being, I always try to teach my son to be tolerant of others and that people are different in circumstance. One day I'll be honest about my problems and I hope he'll be understanding as you are with your father.

AlexLK

gallygirl wrote: »

TMI :eek::o:rotfl:

maman wrote: »

:eek::eek::eek:

I've no idea what's so shocking. :rotfl:

gallygirl wrote: »

If you think that's hocus pocus there then you should read the book! But underneath all the 'woo' is a way of organising and living your life in a way that is much simpler and calmer, where you own your stuff rather than the other way round. Plus there is real joy to be had from opening a drawer and seeing your socks and 'smalls' neatly folded . Trust me on that .

I'm with the others in saying you should be ready to tell Little K when the time is right. I can see why you want to shield him from worry - but as others in your family's situation have said it's better in the long run (as so many difficult things are).

Hope the sun is shining for you today .

I can see that decluttering is a good idea for the most part. Something I liked about the article was no "throw things you've not used in 3 months (or whatever time) away".

As for my socks and 'smalls', they are neatly folded away and we're rather good with laundry, thank you very much Gally. Don't pay for things to be ironed for nothing nor do we live like complete animals.

I think you're right (as well as others), that at some point the time will come to talk to my son. Currently, I'm thinking when he's about 18 but most will likely think that's too late. As for why I want to shield him, that's because I never want to see him hurt or sad. Aware that likely sounds a bit pathetic and my wife thinks it completely unrealistic but I worry he (like me) won't be able to handle the "real world".

The weather has been lovely today. Hardly any time to enjoy it, though as I've been working from 9am - 10pm this evening. Only saw my son for about an hour in total.

AlexLK

Challenge 1 update ... sorry nothing done today. Not doing very well.

A_Frayed_Knot

Hope you managed a good sleep and feeling fit for your long working hours yesterday.

Challenge 1 update ... sorry nothing done today. Not doing very well.

Far from it, I wouldn't even attempt a high target like yours for a 1 month challenge I know my limits You achieved in 1 day, what I would target in a month

However you probably have more treasures lying around than I do :rotfl: There's still plenty time, just another couple of sets or so and your there. Keep looking for opportunities to sell/declutter, they will come