Renovations and Repayments.

Fay

Hi Alex, i will offer my advice as I have before. You should tell your son now, in a gentle way and not all at once. Leaving it until he is 18 will cause him and you problems. Your relationship will suffer for the lack of honestly and openness. Your son will be exposed to the world you're trying to protect him from, regardless of what you do or dont tell him. To think he won't is actually naive and I think you know that. Children adapt very quickly, are very accepting and understand way more than they are given credit for. Having worked in a CAMHS service for a long time, I know the impact parental mental health can have on children, but it is only ever helped by honesty and transparency. Lies and secrets always make it worse, always.

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

my wife thinks it completely unrealistic but I worry he (like me) won't be able to handle the "real world".

MrsK is right. However well intentioned it's totally unrealistic to expect to keep him in the dark until he's 18. LittleK is one bright cookie and he'll have worked something out for himself long before then. Wasn't this discussion was prompted by him asking if you are well? I'd imagine it's far better to tell him something now at a level he can understand and progress from there.


Children are becoming more and more aware of mental health issues and how to deal with them. Only today the Girl Guides have introduced a badge to help children understand.


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-35803277


Protecting LittleK from the 'real world' won't help him deal with it.

greent

My children range in age from 18 to 6, so a fair spread of ages - I can't remember exactly when we told them but I guess my eldest was about 13 and the youngest therefore a baby. However, even number 3 (who would have been about 5) was told some details - children are very perceptive, even if you think you are hiding things successfully you possibly aren't and they often take being told the truth (in a simplified fashion) rather well

AlexLK

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

Hope you managed a good sleep and feeling fit for your long working hours yesterday.

Challenge 1 update ... sorry nothing done today. Not doing very well.

Far from it, I wouldn't even attempt a high target like yours for a 1 month challenge I know my limits You achieved in 1 day, what I would target in a month

However you probably have more treasures lying around than I do :rotfl: There's still plenty time, just another couple of sets or so and your there. Keep looking for opportunities to sell/declutter, they will come

I don't seem to have stopped working / looking after son (not well) since my last post! As a result nothing to update re. my challenge. Sleep has been a little better, though.

I have a lot of things lying around.

Fay wrote: »

Hi Alex, i will offer my advice as I have before. You should tell your son now, in a gentle way and not all at once. Leaving it until he is 18 will cause him and you problems. Your relationship will suffer for the lack of honestly and openness. Your son will be exposed to the world you're trying to protect him from, regardless of what you do or dont tell him. To think he won't is actually naive and I think you know that. Children adapt very quickly, are very accepting and understand way more than they are given credit for. Having worked in a CAMHS service for a long time, I know the impact parental mental health can have on children, but it is only ever helped by honesty and transparency. Lies and secrets always make it worse, always.

maman wrote: »

MrsK is right. However well intentioned it's totally unrealistic to expect to keep him in the dark until he's 18. LittleK is one bright cookie and he'll have worked something out for himself long before then. Wasn't this discussion was prompted by him asking if you are well? I'd imagine it's far better to tell him something now at a level he can understand and progress from there.

Children are becoming more and more aware of mental health issues and how to deal with them. Only today the Girl Guides have introduced a badge to help children understand.


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-35803277


Protecting LittleK from the 'real world' won't help him deal with it.

Fay / maman: I understand and your advice is likely similar to the advice I'd give someone else. I know I try to hide the "real world" from my son and I know it's naïve when I really think about it. Perhaps I don't give him enough credit but I fear the world may hurt him and one day leave him unhappy.

AlexLK

greent wrote: »

My children range in age from 18 to 6, so a fair spread of ages - I can't remember exactly when we told them but I guess my eldest was about 13 and the youngest therefore a baby. However, even number 3 (who would have been about 5) was told some details - children are very perceptive, even if you think you are hiding things successfully you possibly aren't and they often take being told the truth (in a simplified fashion) rather well

Thanks.

I suppose I'm just trying to protect him from unpleasant things that can happen in the world. It's not just my mental health, I try to keep anything unfortunate or upsetting away.

heartbreak_star

AlexLK wrote: »

I fear the world may hurt him and one day leave him unhappy.

*sneaks in and waves hello* see, I am keeping up

I've quoted this because it's important IMO. Of course the world's going to hurt him and make him unhappy. It will also make him happy and buoy him up.

That's called "life", and we all have it

Glad things seem to be on a general up with a few wobbles, Alex. Still rooting for you

HBS x

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

Fay / maman: I understand and your advice is likely similar to the advice I'd give someone else. I know I try to hide the "real world" from my son and I know it's naïve when I really think about it. Perhaps I don't give him enough credit but I fear the world may hurt him and one day leave him unhappy.

AlexLK wrote: »

Thanks.

I suppose I'm just trying to protect him from unpleasant things that can happen in the world. It's not just my mental health, I try to keep anything unfortunate or upsetting away.

I think we probably agree on this but where (I believe) you're going wrong is to try to hide the 'real world' rather than helping him deal with it.


As a simple example, that would be about making sure he engages with technology appropriately. He will want a mobile phone or a tablet sooner than you think and then it'll be up to you to ensure he's not on it 24/7!;)

AlexLK

heartbreak_star wrote: »

*sneaks in and waves hello* see, I am keeping up

I've quoted this because it's important IMO. Of course the world's going to hurt him and make him unhappy. It will also make him happy and buoy him up.

That's called "life", and we all have it

Glad things seem to be on a general up with a few wobbles, Alex. Still rooting for you

HBS x

Thank, HBS. Have you a new job yet?

I know I see the world and life in a skewed way. I suppose I've been irreparably damaged by it.

maman wrote: »

I think we probably agree on this but where (I believe) you're going wrong is to try to hide the 'real world' rather than helping him deal with it.

I don't know how to deal with it myself.

maman wrote: »

As a simple example, that would be about making sure he engages with technology appropriately. He will want a mobile phone or a tablet sooner than you think and then it'll be up to you to ensure he's not on it 24/7!;)

I cannot see why any child needs to have a mobile 'phone or tablet until they are of university age (even then I don't see a need for tablets). Until then, should any school assignments need to be completed using a computer, there are 3 in this household, all better equipped for such a task than a 'phone / tablet.

newgirly

It's not just about work though Alex, whether you like these devices or not all of his school friends will have some or all of them. It has already changed beyond belief even since mine youngest were little k's age and they are only 15 now.

A lot of their socialising is based around it now, he will be very different from all of his peers in that respect and I would worry he would feel excluded from so much. My three are streets ahead of me using technology and for dd it has opened so many doors for her, she has her own blog, has started a school newspaper whch initially was printed and is now fully online (this was at secondary school)
College she runs a youth group where kids can interact on Facebook/Twitter and keep up to date between meetings.

The boys play online mostly, but perhaps not like you might automatically expect, they often play long creative games in groups with school friends online and create places and characters.

Being so young I see your concern, but it is possible to keep them safe and monitor what your ds is doing. I have to say a blanket ban on anything until the age of 18 may be rather optimistic though surely, I can't see many 17 years olds telling their friends that they are not allowed a mobile yet :eek:

AlexLK

newgirly wrote: »

It's not just about work though Alex, whether you like these devices or not all of his school friends will have some or all of them. It has already changed beyond belief even since mine youngest were little k's age and they are only 15 now.

A lot of their socialising is based around it now, he will be very different from all of his peers in that respect and I would worry he would feel excluded from so much. My three are streets ahead of me using technology and for dd it has opened so many doors for her, she has her own blog, has started a school newspaper whch initially was printed and is now fully online (this was at secondary school)
College she runs a youth group where kids can interact on Facebook/Twitter and keep up to date between meetings.

The boys play online mostly, but perhaps not like you might automatically expect, they often play long creative games in groups with school friends online and create places and characters.

Being so young I see your concern, but it is possible to keep them safe and monitor what your ds is doing. I have to say a blanket ban on anything until the age of 18 may be rather optimistic though surely, I can't see many 17 years olds telling their friends that they are not allowed a mobile yet :eek:

There's no reason he'd need to be calling friends when in school and when out of school I wouldn't have a problem with him using our telephone. The main reason I don't want him having a mobile 'phone is social media. I hear a lot about what goes on in the world of social media through my music pupils. For some reason, it seems a lot of them think it acceptable to tell me who's said what and about whom. Only during these last few weeks one of my pupils I teach at school was in trouble for the misuse of social media and whilst I was somewhat taken aback, after thinking about it I'd probably have done something similar had I access to social media during my teenage years. Giving teenagers access to "facebook" / "twitter" and especially "snapchat" doesn't strike me as a sensible parenting decision.

I can see how technology can be used in a productive way and when he is older I would not stop my son using the computer for such purposes.

To be honest, the age he'll likely get a mobile 'phone will be 17, once he's passed his driving test. I said to Mrs K I'd get him a 'phone with no camera or access to the internet.