The Garden Fence - help and support in tough times

Nargleblast

Hello lise and welcome to the Garden Fence! Any issues with benefits and tax credits - try the Work and Benefits board, the folks on there may be able to advise. You should be able to negotiate around repaying any overpayments, as long as you have a full breakdown of your household income and expenditure. At the end of the day they can't have what you haven't got, remember that.

You should find lots of useful advice here on the Old Style forum about making money stretch, most people on here are very supportive. As far as your stepson is concerned, it sounds like he could do with some routine and order in his life, and he probably has a better chance of having that in your home as part of your family. There are people on here who have experience in bringing up children with ADHD, autism, Asperger, all sorts of conditions, and I am sure they will be happy to advise.

Knit_Witch

If you have dates of when the kids were/are with you then it could be that the DWP should be chasing your OHs ex and not you - but I second the Work and Benefits board for advice (and maybe the CAB?)

monnagran

dear lisev, it sounds to me that you are completely overwhelmed with situations that are none of your making. However, there is no way that you should have to pay back tax allowances that you have never received. Do take the advice that Nargleblast and KnitWitch have given.

I am not qualified to give financial advice but have altogether too much experience in bringing up boys, difficult ones included.

There is a rocky road ahead for this 12 year old. The dreaded teenage years are difficult enough to steer boys through even when they have had a stable, moral and loving upbringing to that point. Your poor lad doesn't seem to have had any of that.
If he has been missing school the authorities must already be involved. Is it possible for you and your OH to talk to the school about the situation? There are various agencies which can help if you know what they are.

Do take every bit of help that is offered. Counselling, therapies, they all offer support which is what you so badly need. Just bear in mind that dealing with an out-of-control teenage boy is akin to trying to tame a feral animal. Oh, goodness, my heart goes out to you.
You and your OH will be called upon to find endless patience, strength, energy and understanding. Meanwhile there is the rest of the family....................

Now, down to brass tacks.

Where does this boy fit into the family structure? Is he the eldest, youngest, somewhere in the middle? Do they all live with you full time now? What are the custody arrangements?

Over time, as we get to know you better it will be easier to help. Keep reading, the folk on here know better than anyone how to make every penny count and will happily share every tip and wrinkle they know of.

The most important thing of all is that you and your OH stick together through all the troubles. Do not let anyone or anything or any situation come between you.

We are all here to help, you are not alone.

x

ivyleaf

What a lovely post monnagran

Welcome to the thread lisev Lots of helpful folk on here, and on other boards too sorry you're having such a difficult time, and as you say, it's a relief to have somewhere "neutral" to get things off your chest!

Goodness ginnyknit, what a shock! So glad you're all right :eek:

Poor Hester, you really do need the patience of a saint :mad:

Happy to say I got home yesterday! The op went "like a dream" according to my lovely consultant. I had to get up to the loo several times in the night and I feel a bit as if I've been kicked very hard in the bladder, but I can tell it's just where the muscles have stiffened up - no strong painkillers needed, even, just paracetamol and/or ibuprofen!

I'm not supposed to lift anything that needs two hands to lift, and no hoovering for 6-8-weeks, which just shows the silver lining I'm on antibiotics atm but that's to prevent an infection rather than cure one. So far so good I'll have to be careful not to overdo things.

ETA, Forgot to say thank you for all your kind wishes xxx

nursemaggie

Welcome lisev I think some of the others are better qualified to help with child problems but I can certainly help with how to keep the grocery bills down.

I can tell you what ever kids may say about wanting things they do think they should help. Mine says he feels guilty about all the times I went without for him to have something. They do change their minds about things they think they would die without and could not care less a few months later.

Glad you are home ivyleaf. Don't pick anything up bigger than a cup or a glass for the next couple of months. Let family do all the lifting and cleaning for a while. The bladder will feel better in a couple of days. It's just having a protest at the moment.

Oh ginny what a fright. As well it happened before the snow or you might have slipped with the fright.

mardatha

Brilliant Ivy!

Softstuff

Lovely news Ivyleaf, now put your feet up and rest xx

lisev

oh wow, thank you all so much for your lovely comments. I certainly will be looking into advice on the tax credits. I can guarantee we will be left with a bill but at the end of the day, they can only have what we can afford and all that. I'm feeling a lot calmer now and ready to take on the next challenge. It just is so annoying that once again there is animosity between the OH and the ex. She definitely opens her mouth before she switches on her brain and can be so rude and obnoxious. Then will text the older boys about how she is so upset. to be honest, I sometimes wish I could just whisk us all off to a secret island (with WIFI of course) and leave her in the dust.

to cut a very long story short, my OH left his ex and over the next two years his children one by one came to live with us. we were quite happy for a few years and then the second youngest went to live back with his mum. in September last year the second oldest boy stated that he wanted to live with her too and as soon as we got back from holiday he scuttled off to hers. in November he was back, claiming that she was always telling him off and he didn't like living there. so now we have got him back into school here and that bit is hopefully settled.

going back to the second youngest, when he went to live at hers, she allowed him to do whatever he wanted. be out til all hours, smoking, the lot. he did start off going to school but after getting into more and more trouble he decided he didn't want to go. to be fair to her she has been to the schools (three different ones) to try and get him into school but nothing worked. he became increasingly violent to her, smashing her house up and threatening her and her two other children (had with someone else after they split up). last year in july she asked us to have him overnight and she would pick him up the next day. she didn't. she sent a text saying he couldn't live at hers any more and left a bag of his clothes with social services for us to pick up. He went back in September.

there are so many different things I could rant about but i'd never stop!!! I just want some peace and quiet and not to be worried about which child is going to leave us in the dust this week cos they can't get their own way with us and a little bit of spare money to be able to treat us all as a family to some fun.

I'm money saving as much as I can but any other ideas and tips are greatly appreciated. I think the main problem has been groceries but am trying so hard to use up what we have and be creative rather than going out for a few bits mid week as that always turns into bags of rubbish we didn't need. The OH and I have (so far) kicked the cigarettes this year and have limited ourselves to one drink a week. It was supposed to be Fridays but I swapped it for last night as I have to work early Saturday morning. I didn't really enjoy it so hopefully that will urge me on to quit that too. we rarely buy clothes for ourselves, only if something essential is unwearable. I ebay anything I can find plus I make things to sell too.

thanks so much for listening, I hope everyone is having a great day and not being troubled too much by the weather!!

Lise xx

candygirl

LISEV , From my experience, with an overpayment of Child tax credit many years ago, they will definitely let you set up a payment plan , to pay it back
IVY , so glad the op went well, make sure you take it easy hun xx:D

silvasava

So glad everything has gone well for you Ivyleaf - now make sure you continue the good work and recuperate properly.
Lisev - well done to you and your OH for kicking the habit, it's not easy and a stressful situation doesn't help.
I can't offer you any constructive advice with the children although I must admit I would lay some ground rules but obviously it depends on the situation so just wishing you good luck and hope the financial issues get sorted.