The Garden Fence - help and support in tough times

fuddle

VJs it is. I know a couple of ladies who I know care about me and that really is enough.

When I had the call from the police to tell me my mam had been found to have died I immediately called the lady who has had pretty much daily contact with me since I raised my head above the MSE parapet. I had the girls at home and DH had a 20 minute drive to get to me. I was in a bit of a state but our dear Lyn (whom I have only met once) took the time to talk to me every second of those 20 minutes. I even managed a laugh I think towards the end. My girls were around normailty in a very frantic and abnormal time because of Lyn. I doubt Lyn had ever walked in those shoes, knew what she 'should' say but by gosh it was very much appreciated and do you know what? I don't even remember the words.

My point is that physical touch, non-verbal communication or eye contact isn't needed to support and knowing what to say doesn't have to be on point. 'Professionals' need to just have a heart I think because having a heart is all it needs... as long as the receiver is in a place to be able to receive withough interpreting words as stings. It's that bit that is tricky.

lillibet_dripping

mardatha wrote: »

Hanging around with a lot of mediums teaches you fast to remain detached a wee bit, you don't want your sitter to dissolve into hysterics or bawl her face off in the middle of reading. You want them to smile at the funny memories and go away stronger and with more faith in life & love everlasting.

Mar - can I ask you a question that has puzzled me for so long. If mediums can speak to the 'other side' why don't murder / accident victims 'come through' to help solve their crime?:(
(Sorry to take the thread OT)

monnagran

Fuddle, I endorse every word you have said about that particular lady. When I had my latest crisis she was a tower of strength to me and I still recall the comfort she gave me. It is a rare talent to have and the depths of compassion she shows is almost unbelievable.

I did find that when I was at my lowest, the people that I wanted round me were those who had suffered too and just let me be. Cheerful exhortations to " now you can really be yourself" and "you can build yourself a new life." just made me feel worse. At those sorts of times you really don't know who you are or what you want to do and actually the thought of doing anything at all isimpossible.

The thing I have found that people need most in the times when their life has imploded is comfort. Chocolate cake, a hug and a comfort blanket. And just being there.

Now I have a little pickle sitting by me waiting for me to try to put her (short) hair into a pony tail. Life goes on.

x

camelot1001

Lovely posts ladies, we have a true friend in Lynn who always has the right words whatever the situation.

When my DH died it was the friends who would just sit, sometimes have to listen but just sit and be company. Those who made a great show of bringing flowers, etc, aren't really my friends any more. I hope I have learned from this should I need to be a comfort to anyone.

greenbee

mardatha wrote: »

I often find that sympathy makes things worse, and that it's better to focus on the practical stuff which helps the upset person feel that they're getting things under control.

Absolutely Mar. I think people sometimes get confused between sympathy and empathy... the latter is useful. The former tends to make things harder (and is often more about the person sympathising than the one with the problem).

ivyleaf

Lyn was a great support to me when my brother was taken ill in Germany, offering both emotional and practical support, as did kittie :A :A In the end I didn't need to go over there to see him, and he has been well enough to come over here a couple of times.

I said yesterday that British Gas were coming to change the meters, but in the end OH really wasn't well enough to have the heating off, so they are coming in a few weeks instead That will be a week after my surgery, so I'll just snuggle in bed while they're here.

The carbon monoxide alarm started cheeping in the night because the batteries needed replacing. I just took them out for now, and we'll put new ones in this morning, but it did make me realise how difficult it would be to get OH up and out of the house if that alarm or the smoke alarms went off for real :eek:, since all he said was something along the lines of "Mffpfh."

mardatha

lillibet_dripping wrote: »

Mar - can I ask you a question that has puzzled me for so long. If mediums can speak to the 'other side' why don't murder / accident victims 'come through' to help solve their crime?:(
(Sorry to take the thread OT)

Not a clue Lillbet lol. They say that once people have passed on these things don't matter to them anymore - but how does anybody know that? They just don't often do it, although sometimes drop hints and say it was a friend or describe the person - but what can you do with that info ? Nothing. You can't prove anything and would get laughed at if you took it to the cops.

cbrown372

greenbee wrote: »

Absolutely Mar. I think people sometimes get confused between sympathy and empathy... the latter is useful. The former tends to make things harder (and is often more about the person sympathising than the one with the problem).

I'll never forget after my Mum's funeral coming into the house and finding my neighbour washing the dishes, having swept the floors and popped something into the fridge for later for me to eat. It was singularly the most helpful thing someone could have done for me that day and enabled me to go to bed and sleep for an hour or so having not slept (it seemed) for days.

greenbee

cbrown372 wrote: »

I'll never forget after my Mum's funeral coming into the house and finding my neighbour washing the dishes, having swept the floors and popped something into the fridge for later for me to eat. It was singularly the most helpful thing someone could have done for me that day and enabled me to go to bed and sleep for an hour or so having not slept (it seemed) for days.

The friend who was giving the tribute at my dad's funeral came to stay the night before - he and his wife cooked supper for us. We were banished to the sitting room while they made us a wonderful meal.

My aunt arrived a few days before and stayed after, which meant I could finally go home.

One cousin came up early for the funeral to set up the sound system properly for the music and make sure we had all had a run-through with the microphone. Another one took charge of relatives (including his father...) to make sure they didn't just 'drop in' at the house beforehand as he knew we didn't need that.

All the practical help was fantastic. And even now I know that my mother has friends dropping in with food, and helping with stuff like bringing in logs. She is also in the sad situation of having a number of widowed friends - one of whom is only 5 days ahead of her - who are offering the most fantastic support.

I know where you are coming from with the sleep. I'm so tired I can't be bothered to go upstairs and go to bed.

ginnyknit

Several of the people I have met on here have given me great support, especially Mar who offers a kick up the bum when I have needed it. Some have offered to come to the hospital with me when Hubs has been in ( despite living a good few miles away). My Mum really loves the fact that I have such kindness in my life.

I recently received an envelope from France with a little paper cube in it with beautiful hearts cut out - it was for one of those battery tea lights and it takes pride of place on the mantel. This lady didn't know that day that I needed something beautiful in my day but was kind enough to think of me.

Well I went for my physio today for 'this damned arm' as it is known. I was very reticent and in pain but went anyway. As I walked into the empty health centre I realised I was a week early so I went home and fell asleep in the chair for a couple of hours - much nicer than punching a physio in the face.

Having the kiddies tomorrow while their Daddy looks at a new house for them much nearer than the old one and not 1 1/2 miles down a cycle track - scary at night. So can everyone cross their fingers please.