The Garden Fence - help and support in tough times

fuddle

Hard_Up_Hester wrote: »

Hi Fuddle, yes sometimes all we can do is remain positive and hope for the best.

SS I think it's a shoebox for us, I just want it to be damp free, lol.

It so is. We don't know how anything is going to turn out but if we can get through each day remaining in a positive mindset then each day goes by and it's not so bad. Before we know it we've wandered down a path that we hadn't expected but can look back and think 'ok, it's where I am' Positivity dictates whether we cry at misfortune or grab stuff to cling on to.

I've had a pig of a year and aside from going through the grieving process I find myself able to feel ok. Ive had a lot of support from people who I hadn't seen since I was a child. The worst support for me has been the type that wants to take over, dwells or sobs in pity. For me, and I know we're all different, the support that brings back memories, is encouraging or offers a glimpse of how I'll cope in the futureis the support that lifts me.

Hester you and me both - shoeboxes. The house we're in the process of buying is too small for a family home but we will make it work because the bigger ones comes with a higher price tag and out of our reach. It's a small and healthy house or a larger poorly house and given we spent 3 years in a damp house, I'm with you!

mcculloch29

The platitude that gets me as a working person (who also happens to have a disability) regarding my job is "Oh, it keeps you busy, that's good."

Eh? How expletive patronising! It isn't voluntary work, it's a professional calling that I trained on various courses for some ten years to do.

My job pays my mortgage and all my bills , not just 'keeps me busy'!
I have friends with disabilities who live in social housing and are unable to work. They live rent free and have their council tax paid.
I'm sure people who don't know me very well assume that I have similar circumstances.
I don't.

I hope I never say, or have said, to anyone 'I know how you feel'.
I think I have said, 'I know something of how you may feel'.

Regarding people offering help in the home, in my experience it's best to pay for it, if you can. I can't afford a cleaner now, but when I could, she was fantastic, as was the guy I paid to do the garden front and back. Friends have offered, but experiences have been mixed when I've accepted help.
I worked alongside a friend to tidy up when she offered to help me and also paid her. When I was unable to help her and her workload was greater, she stated it was too much for her to do. Cue employing a professional.

Hard_Up_Hester

Fuddle, I spent 10 years, me, the ex who worked away for weeks at a time & 3 children living in a 2 up 2 down the rooms were 12 x 10, with a kitchen that was 8 x 6 and had 3 doors in it, there was no proper bathroom as the roof had fallen in. There was just an outside toilet that had the outside door bricked up and an inside door opened in the the kitchen. There was no central heating and my only kitchen unit was a cocktail cabinet.
We managed, it wasn't easy but we did manage, it made any house or shoebox I lived in afterwards seem luxurious.

Softstuff

Hester, if they found a few things on survey, I'd be wondering how many they didn't find. We had a complete survey and a builder friend come round, they both missed expensive and many not as expensive things. Anyway fingers crossed for the next one.

Knowing how bad some platitudes are makes me nervous sometimes of what to say appropriately at certain times. It isn't for not caring, but "I'm sorry to hear that" seems like too little when my heart aches for a person, yet I'm not a gusher and can be socially awkward when someone's upset. IRL I try and help with more practical things, because I can do that better (I'm a terrible shoulder for crying on), but at a distance that's hard.

greenbee

mcculloch29 wrote: »

Regarding people offering help in the home, in my experience it's best to pay for it, if you can. I can't afford a cleaner now, but when I could, she was fantastic, as was the guy I paid to do the garden front and back. Friends have offered, but experiences have been mixed when I've accepted help.
I worked alongside a friend to tidy up when she offered to help me and also paid her. When I was unable to help her and her workload was greater, she stated it was too much for her to do. Cue employing a professional.

I keep telling my mother she can afford the same help (or more if she needs it) that she had when my dad was alive. It's just that instead of paying for it from income she'll pay from capital. But that's what it's there for. Their savings are to support her. Not for her to leave to the next generation.

Softstuff - I like to provide practical help too. Paperwork can be done at a distance. Or practical advice as to how to do boring stuff... I've just been explaining to my mother how to defrost the basin waste-pipe with salt ...

silvasava

Just been thinking after reading today's posts how we all bimble along one way or another with the expectation that tomorrow will be similar to today and how life has a habit of throwing in the proverbial spanner - most times it's a nuisance or an irritation,
but there are times when our whole world seems blown apart and we are devastated. We all react so differently but I see so much empathy and support on this forum for everyone whatever their circumstances.
Take a bow you lot xxxx

moneyistooshorttomention

Softstuff wrote: »

Hester, if they found a few things on survey, I'd be wondering how many they didn't find. We had a complete survey and a builder friend come round, they both missed expensive and many not as expensive things. Anyway fingers crossed for the next one.

Knowing how bad some platitudes are makes me nervous sometimes of what to say appropriately at certain times. It isn't for not caring, but "I'm sorry to hear that" seems like too little when my heart aches for a person, yet I'm not a gusher and can be socially awkward when someone's upset. IRL I try and help with more practical things, because I can do that better (I'm a terrible shoulder for crying on), but at a distance that's hard.

I'm not a "gusher" either. I will "feed back" comments they've made to them and sometimes get a surprised/pleased "I didn't think I anyone really listened to what I said properly" type response.

I think I'm reasonable at figuring out whether the body language says "I need human contact" though and will pat shoulder sympathetically or give a hug if I've read a "plead for contact" in their eyes (dependant on person and circumstances). To me - it shows that I've "heard" them and wasn't just "making conversation/being talked at" iyswim.

VJsmum

I think "I know how you feel" is better than nothing - so long as it doesn't lead to said person relating their own experience.

I had a (very early) miscarriage years ago and rang the miscarriage helpline and the woman on the other end was stressed and running around after 2 small children and all she said was "well, you will soon be pregnant again and have your baby and forget all about this" :eek: So not a helpful helpline after all - what she said was true (except the forgetting) but I didn't need that at the time. When i see others who have gone through the same i tend to say "you won't believe that it will get better and it doesn't help you now, but try to hold on to the fact that it will".

I prefer to give practical help - i can clean, shop, cook, and listen. Half the time, just knowing someone cares is enough.

mardatha

I'm like you SS, not a hugger or a cryer, but more a practical do-er. I often find that sympathy makes things worse, and that it's better to focus on the practical stuff which helps the upset person feel that they're getting things under control.
Hanging around with a lot of mediums teaches you fast to remain detached a wee bit, you don't want your sitter to dissolve into hysterics or bawl her face off in the middle of reading. You want them to smile at the funny memories and go away stronger and with more faith in life & love everlasting.
Wow I'm being very deep for 8.30am. I think I need more tea

mardatha

VJsmum, I lost 3 babies, 1 at 5 months 1 at 6 months and 1 at 7 months. The last one nearly finished me off and it took a whole year for me to get back to my normal strong self. I still to this day find it hard to help girls in the same situation because I know that whatever I say won't help. But I did get over it of course, and I did go on to have another baby. What doesn't kill you certainly makes you stronger eh.