The Garden Fence - help and support in tough times

ivyleaf

Been thinking of you and DH, Caterina. Are you back home yet? Sending you ((HUGS)).

Hester and monnagran, perhaps other suitable properties will come onto the market as the new year arrives and people decide it's time they finally got on with moving! Wishing all the best for you this year xx

silvasava

Hester - DH & I would love to downsize but I don't want to live in a shoebox I just want less rooms! The properties we have liked all need work and TBH DH has worked hard and long all his life and deserves to take it easier now. So it looks like we'll rattle around this house until the grim reaper arrives! I've already said if we get too doddery we'll just move downstairs!

Caterina

Thank you for your lovely concern, Ivyleaf, we are still stuck in Sardinia! Which seems a really ungrateful thing to say as we are in my mother's home and she is caring for us very lovingly.

However, we miss home like anyone who's unwell misses their own familiar comforts.

DH is much better, I am a bit unwell but as long as it is only cough and nose blowing I would sign on the dotted line yo stay like this all the way home. The problem would be if the fever comes. If it doesn't, on 31st December we have the overnight crossing to mainland Italy, then one night in Rome, overnight train to Paris and two night in Paris. As the ship and Rome hotel are both modifiable and refundable, if I get hit badly I will have to manoeuvre so that we have one more night here.

Worst case scenario: Might have to give up the overnight train ticket to Paris and the two nights there, all non refundable but hopefully covered by insurance, as DH has a med cert for 15 days. It is more the idea of having to do all the researching and booking while sick, that frightens me. DH hasn't got a clue about this sort of thing.

I pray and hope that one way or the other we will be on that Eurostar train on 5th January!

Of course, this is all a very First World Problem I realise, there is a lot worse in the world.

For now, I trust that all will work as it is meant to work.

moneyistooshorttomention

Caterina wrote: »

How about when people tell you "In Chinese, the characters for problem and opportunity are the same".

All these platitudes make me want to throw bricks too! Often people don't know what to say when presented with somebody else's pain or discomfort and they take refuge in these ready packaged sentences to avoid engaging emotionally.

Which is all and well, I can understand, but how about, as a compassionate alternative, something like:

"I am sorry" "I don't know what to say" "I wish I could help" if they have to say anything at all.

Couldn't agree more. I think it's a sign of someone taking the easy way out whenever anyone says anything like that to me. I think they've rather given up making comments like it - as they know the response to a platitude is likely to be silence and a cynical look on my face. There are some problems that just can't be solved - but can only be sympathised with.

The best thing to say to someone is "Is there anything I can do to help?" followed possibly by "Maybe I could do x for you if you like?".

I also think a comment of "I've been there...I know how you feel" helps if someone has had/got the same problem you have. So, for instance, if someone ends up losing their job and being unemployed or finding it difficult/impossible to buy a house despite their best efforts - then...yep...been there/done that and I can genuinely say "I know how you feel" and be sympathetic for instance.

fuddle

I do think those who say it will work out in the end kind of things have seen struggles of their own and know that there is always a way through to the other side and that on reflection life kind of works out.

Some of us walk in our own very heavy shoes enough to not need to walk in some one elses to offer a glint of hope. Personally I don't think it's always not knowing what to say and not wanting to connect emotionally because I know I have offered up the similar sort of hope to those around me that are suffering because my positivity sees me through. In tough times it's positivity that is my friend and I try to pass that on.

Hard_Up_Hester

Hi Fuddle, yes sometimes all we can do is remain positive and hope for the best.

SS I think it's a shoebox for us, I just want it to be damp free, lol.

nursemaggie

The worst platitude is to say to a young woman who has just lost a baby.

"Never mind you're young enough to have another one."

I have had it said to me by quite a few nurses. I always made sure all the pupil midwives I taught knew never to say that. Would you say that to her if it was her husband who had just died.

The other thing not to do is avoid people by crossing the road they will see you. Just being there is what people need.

By the way been meaning to say DS is doing very well with his online Japanese course. He has taken a paper from the second level online not the real exam and got 80% so he will try for the second level when the next exam comes round. His pronunciation is not bad but he has a marked Derbyshire accent with it. Pitty it is not Sussex, which he had when we moved here. I think that would sound better.

CRANKY40

My pet hate after MrC died was "at least you have your memories". Yes, but memories can't fix the washing machine, empty the bins, help when the child has had a vomiting bug for 3 days and you've had no sleep.......

2nd worst thing was "if you need anything just ask". I would rather be hung, drawn and quartered before asking for help. As much as I sometimes don't agree with MITSTM's point of view, making suggestions of what you could do to help or actually turning up on a regular basis to offer help is much more useful.

greenbee

CRANKY40 wrote: »

actually turning up on a regular basis to offer help is much more useful.

agree with this 100%. Lots of people won't ask for help. Or take you up on suggestions. But if you turn up you can make a cup of tea, do the washing up, hang the washing out, make a note of the fact that the fridge is empty or whatever. Then people might actually believe that you're happy to help, not just saying it.

Agree that saying 'I know how you feel' doesn't work. Because even if you've been through something similar it's never exactly the same. But saying 'I know it's not quite the same, but X happened to me and this is how I felt/reacted' might help.

My dad died recently - my SIL told my mother she knows how she feels because her dad died 3 years ago. But my mother doesn't feel it's the same thing at all (and she's lost both parents, her mother when she was only 9) and I'm inclined to agree. I'm sad, I miss my dad, but I haven't lived with him for about 25 years, my life was independent of his, and will continue in much the same way on a daily basis now he's gone.

However, one of her friends who was widowed 10 years ago dropped in unexpectedly yesterday just as my mother was having a cry - and was told that it's OK, everyone reacts differently, everyone deals with it differently, your brain DOES stop working (she couldn't remember anything about the first 3-6 months after her husband died), it does recover, you miss them every day for the rest of your life and that's OK. It has helped HUGELY. Sadly she has a number of friends who have been widowed, and I think those are the people she really needs to talk to now - people who can tell her that what she's going through is normal, and have also dealt with the practicalities that she's having to deal with.

Agree with nursemaggie on the baby thing - thankfully I've never been told that, but I've had some pretty insensitive comments. I may well have been young enough, but unfortunately I'm unable to have children - including via IVF which is not the universal panacea that everyone seems to think (and is also expensive and physically and emotionally draining for those who are able to go through it).

moneyistooshorttomention

nursemaggie wrote: »

The worst platitude is to say to a young woman who has just lost a baby.

"Never mind you're young enough to have another one."

I have had it said to me by quite a few nurses. I always made sure all the pupil midwives I taught knew never to say that. Would you say that to her if it was her husband who had just died.

The other thing not to do is avoid people by crossing the road they will see you. Just being there is what people need.

Though I've never had (or wanted) children - I'm darn sure I'd feel like swotting someone straight across their face if they had made that sort of comment to me in those circumstances. Such a response would be richly deserved imo. One can't just replace one person with another for goodness sake - they're not a jumper one bought in Marks & Spencers. They're a unique person.

To me - the appropriate reaction to that is "I'm so sorry" and being sympathetic about it.