No More Chardonnay for me! My booze-free Diary

Chardonnay

Thanks Satchmo. Running is so much a mental battle isn't it? The thoughts that go through my head when I'm running and the bargains I make with myself......! I agree that the focusing on a point in the future can definitely be helpful psychologically. It got me through a tricky day on Saturday and I didn't drink and thinking that I'm going to drink is not the same as drinking! I need to remember that as I felt quite down with myself for even thinking those thoughts but not drinking is the main thing!

I thought you might have read the email too HB. Wasn't it apt?! And so very helpful!

Yes you are right. I am pleased that I was honest here and didn't just pretend everything was fine. It's important to talk through these situations and I get so much support on here, it is always so helpful!

Chardonnay

So it's Day 67 today - that was the day that I decided to start drinking again last time so we really are getting into unknown territory now. Plus I haven't ruined it this time with having one drink! I am feeling much more determined again now, really enjoying life without drinking.

I think I really know what Saturday was about now. I find it hard to deal with my feelings - good or bad. They feel a bit uncomfortable and I think I need to take the edge off. That is what I am used to after all! It's like I need to learn to feel feelings at their full force, rather than dulling them with wine. That's interesting to me - not drinking is really helping me to discover myself - hope that doesn't sound cheesy. I find it quite exciting really, as well as scary! Hopefully it will get easier!

Have a good day all!

MarylandCookie_2

Hi Chardonnany, hope you're ok and having a good weekend. I know what you mean about dealing with feelings - having a drink does take the edge off - momentarily. But for me the upset, paranoia, depression and general cr&piness when I've taken the edge off isn't worth it. I'm sure it's the same for you, and no you don't sound cheesy!

Have you done park run this morning? I've done a boot sale today, made almost £100.00 which I'm really chuffed about. It meant I couldn't go to the gym, but it was a job well done and the money will come in handy.

We're out with friends tonight, I'm driving again so I can do the boot camp session at the gym in the morning. I'm out with a friend tomorrow, we're having trip, lunch out, the plan is that we'll have a drink or two, to be honest I'm not bothered about it and might offer to drive. im not counting days, and have had an odd drink at home, but my alcohol consumption has definitely reduced.

Have a brilliant weekend xx

Pippilongstocking

Just a wee note to say that I've found your diary and its inspiring thank you. I'm subscribing!

Weekends can be a bit of a trigger here too, but I've learnt to get myself something fabby for the evening and enjoy waking up guilt free tomorrow.

Happy unchartered territory.

Chardonnay

Hi MC! I had a great weekend thanks, hope you did too! Yes I agree, the relaxed feeling I got when I drank didn't last long and wasn't worth the bad night's sleep and subsequent feelings of anxiety and depression. It just makes everything worse for me! I'd rather keep trying to learn to relax naturally.

I couldn't do parkrun on Saturday as was working - will be doing it next week though. I did go out and run 10k on Wednesday and was quite a bit faster than the week before. I really felt it though - the last 5km were really hard! I was using Satchmo's idea for the last km of telling myself I would stop at the next lamppost/bridge etc and somehow it got me to the end. I have been running 3-4 times a week and gradually progressing and loving it!

Wow, well done on the boot sale! £100 is a great result! Definitely worth missing the gym for

Well done for driving on Saturday night so you could go to Boot Camp. You are really dedicated! How did you get on with meeting your friend yesterday? You are doing really well with your drinking - it isn't all about counting days but about just generally reducing it where you can and it sounds like you have really got it sorted!

Happy Monday!

Chardonnay

Hi Pippi! So pleased you've subscribed!

You sound like you're doing really well - are you not drinking at all? I know you weren't before. I know what you mean about getting a treat in for the weekends. Drink was a treat before so it's important to replace that with something indulgent

Chardonnay

Had a great weekend - now over 10 weeks AF and loving it! I am definitely going through a good patch at the moment. I really hope it doesn't precede a bad one as it sometimes has done before but I'm enjoying it while it lasts!

As has been said by HB, it's amazing how much more time you have when you're not drinking and scary how much time I wasted when I was. I had to work until 2 on Saturday but then had a lovely productive afternoon, pottering about, listing a dress on ebay and doing a few little jobs plus treating myself to the latest episode of my favourite trashy TV programme, which I won't even mention the name of it as it really is very trashy! That has been a trigger to me before as they are always drinking wine/champers but it is definitely getting easier watching it now, so a good sign!

We went to bed early on Saturday night to watch TV in bed/read my kindle and were up at 6 on Sunday morning so OH and I could go for a run. We were out the house at 7am running in the sunshine! It struck me how much my life has changed. In the past there is NO WAY that I would have gone for a run on a Sunday morning. I would have been languishing in bed with either a major hangover or feeling very lethargic and below par with a minor one. It felt great to be out in the fresh air and living life, getting the most out of it. Sunday used to be a day for getting through, wishing the day away so that I could start feeling human again. Sundays now are a precious day to treasure and squeeze every last drop out of!

We headed over to my dad's early and met up with family, went out for coffee and a cake and sat outside in the sun. Then I helped dad to prepare a family meal that we'd decided to have to remember my mum, as she used to love doing stuff like that and was a great host. We spent a lovely afternoon listening to music, singing, looking at old photos and just having special family time. We all got emotional at times, remembering my mum, but it felt good to be together and let it out.

Some people were drinking. My sister in law commented on how nice the wine was to my brother and I had a little pang but it probably lasted all of a couple of minutes and I cracked open a bottle of Becks Blue and that was enough for me. I only had one bottle. My younger brother is talking about coming down to Cornwall for a couple of nights with his mate, while we're down there and was talking about good pubs to go to. He said "You'll be drinking won't you?" and when I said no, he seemed disappointed. I had another pang and said that my OH would be having a few beers but we wouldn't be staying out til all hours as that wasn't the sort of holiday we were looking for. Hope I didn't sound too boring but OH has said to me he just wants a relaxing holiday and I have a feeling my brother is planning mad nights out! The old me would have loved that!

At the moment I am feeling better than I usually do on a Monday, so fingers crossed it lasts! Have a great day everyone!

Honey_Bear

Chardonnay, I am so, so pleased for you! Uncharted territory for you and all good, which sounds marvellous. Good on you. The pangs get fewer and fewer and then by and large pass, I promise. Secretly, between you and me, once you've been around the people who you used to get plastered with several times while you're sober, after a while the pangs go completely, because it just doesn't seem an attractive option any more.

I've taken my own advice and emailed the restaurant we're going to for our anniversary to ask them if they sell AF beer. If they don't I've told them I don't mind being charged corkage if I take my own because I can't drink sugary soft drinks all night. It'll be interesting to see how they respond.

MarylandCookie_2

Hey Chardonnay et al, hope you are all well, and having a good week. I'm ready for Friday and the bank holiday weekend. Going away with OH for a few days which I'm really looking forward to. Taking my running gear so hoping to have a little jog along the sea front, although I said this last time and didn't!

What are your plans for the Bank Holiday? Hope you're travels in unchartered waters are going smoothly, have been thinking about you. Annie's on 12 days, I'm really rooting for her.

Have a great rest of the week and have a happy weekend all x

Chardonnay

Thanks HB! Yes, it is definitely getting easier, although I do know that there will be times which are harder than others. I know what you mean - after watching people drinking at the cider festival - one man just lying on the floor, I felt really glad I wasn't drinking! The last night that I drank, when I was on a girls' night out, we were in a club, and I can remember swaying at one point and it wasn't a nice feeling. I felt quite vulnerable and a little bit out of control. Oh yes, "moderating" was working well for me, wasn't it?!

Did you hear back from the restaurant? I think that's a really good idea and I'm hoping that they said yes, so that you can really enjoy your anniversary! Maybe it will also make them think about stocking more appealing AF drinks in the future too?