The single track road - life on a different path

apple_muncher

Lots of hugs from me xx Hope ds goes to sleep easily for you.

MeandO

Thanks everyone. Nothing majorly stressful, just lots of little things built up. Him left for work very early this morning which made me sad; then DS and I were stuck in horrendous traffic jams for hours when only travelling 20 minutes down the road this morning, to a fun day which turned out to be pretty hard work thanks to ridiculous queues, ignorant parents with several rude children and lots of small things going wrong. Ds was disappointed, so I told him I'd take him for cake on the way home.. to find the cake shop had run out of cake. I kid you not. I felt so bad for him, he was so good about everything too.


I was supposed to be 300 miles away tonight at my parents' house, but just didn't have it in me to drive the miles tonight, so am going in the morning. I'm not looking forward to it, for reasons I won't go into, and can feel myself getting more and more wound up and stressed as the night goes on.
Now tonight, my mobile isn't working (hence the lack of reply Lilty, sorry), but a bit of digging online has shown the network is down in my area.
I'm now sat here in a ball of tears, in a right state, feeling panicky about I don't know what and I don't really know what to do next.


I tried to phone Him on my landline several times tonight. just feel I need to talk to him, but his phone isn't connecting either, so that's made me 100 times worse.

It has confirmed I need to get myself to the doctor's when I get back though, I think the anxiety has well and truly taken over again. I hide it well when I'm with people and have perfected the mask of 'everything's fine', but when I'm on my own, I'm literally falling to pieces.


I'm going to take myself off to bed now before I make myself any worse.


x

liltdiddylilt

Sounds all so similar to me in the first 6 months after Him & I broke up. The stress levels were horrific, so bad they made me sick. The pit in your stomach full of acid... all of this sounds so familiar. I ended up with counselling, a prescription for citalopram (which I didn't take) and 2 weeks off work followed by another week for an operation which I had tot make as holiday as work weren't too forgiving at the time.

I know you've heard this before, and I know it seems impossible, but focus on one 10 minute segment at a time. Learn to breathe. Listen to Ludovico Einaudi - as crazy as it sounds, the first song on this playlist was some kind of anchor for me. I practiced my breathing and kept a notepad and the phone by my bed. I spent hours speaking to various people just to keep my mind away from what felt like a horror story.

I hope you manage to get some sleep sweetheart, and that your family support you as much as you need over the next few days. xxxx

apple_muncher

Oh MeandO, I wish I lived nearer and could come and give you a hug right now. Snuggle down, poppet, and get some shut-eye. Will be thinking of you tomorrow xxx

stepuptothepl8

Sending ((hugs)) to you. Hope the journey is a smooth one tomorrow. Glad you've decided to go to the docs, it will help just to talk to someone IRL. I know it'll be hard for you to believe, but you are coping so well with everything that life is throwing at you atm. With apologies to Dory 'just keep swimming!' xxx

MeandO

Thank you all. Without meaning to sound too dramatic, I really don't know what I'd do without you all at the moment, this is kind of my only solace and where I can be totally honest, presently.

Lilty, love you as always, you're such a lovely friend, thank you.
Unfortunately the family know very little about me these days. It is with them I wear the biggest mask. As you know, there are problems and worries a plenty there and severe lack of understanding over several issues. The fact that my mum still insists on writing to me as 'mrs ex' and speaking about the three of us up here as if we're still together just creates more frustration on my part.
Unfortunately I'm the black sheep and, although I love my family dearly, am 'close' to none of them. They know nothing of Him, it would just create much more grief for me) and very little about me to be honest.

Apple, your message made me cry harder, in a lovely way, I'd love an apple cuddle right now! Am now snuggled, but making the duvet somewhat soggy with the leaky eyes

Stepup, thank you lovely, I love Dory, will keep her in mind sounds stupid, but I just don't know HOW to talk to the doctor, I'm such a pro at hiding these feelings that I don't know how to talk to someone about it. I just don't know what to say and I'm terrified of crying to them. I have this deep-rooted 'can't look like I'm not coping' fear in me that means I am my own worst enemy.


X

Levi-

I'm glad that you're going to talk about it with the Dr, they will understand the circumstances and can help you muddle your way through it until you feel a little more together. No shame in asking for some help at all, it's just the same as if you had a broken leg, you wouldn't drag it around and hop everywhere - you'd have it seen to

Good luck with the journey tomorrow and seeing your 'rentz. I'm at mine too until Weds AM but have phone with me and in/out access to the forum xx

apple_muncher

I cried at my doc's. Didn't mean to. Didn't plan it. Just had a doc that asked the right, simple questions. Let the doc do his job, and take yourself along there asap. Or I'll get hold of your address and come and fetch you myself...x

Levi-

^ Yep. I've cried every time that I've been about these kinda things and I'm a proper big macho bloke y;know.:cool: (shush Lilt)
They see it all the time, don't worry about that a jot.

MeandO

Thanks both, I'll make an appointment as soon as I can get back, hopefully by Friday.
I'm worried about taking time off sick though and that is another part of the stress. They have this really strict sickness policy at work which means if I was to go off sick now I would receive a formal written warning as I was off ill a few weeks back for two days with a bug. I have very few holiday days to take off too as they have been booked to cover childcare in the holidays this coming year.

As for the docs and crying, I'm just frightened I'm not going tone able to stop like now. I get an awful reaction to tears too - my face basically swells up and I get a rash for hours after, so never cry in public or try not to!
Also, I don't know if this is stupid or not, but are they going to think I'm not a good mum to Ds if I'm struggling to look after myself?