Partners ex keeps pestering him

misspickle_2

divadee wrote: »

Thanks pickle. That's actually what I needed to hear. It's just hard night after night getting disturbed with a silly text or voicemail, I'm not insecure about the relationship I just struggle that anyone would need to cling for so long. Maybe I'm colder than I thiught. Hopefully it will all die down, that's all I want.

Your not cold. That's for sure.

It is understandable.

Love runs deep x

duchy

You sound awfully young.

He lived with her and his (good as) step son for ten years.

A dog in a family situation isn't "his dog" or "her dog" it's the family dog and odds are the reason why she kept it is because neither of them wanted to take the dog from the child or he wasn't able to keep it anywhere and look after it properly.

In time -if your new relationship lasts then you'll build things together but you can't just erase a decade of living as a family (the fact they weren't married is neither here nor there-they were a family).

Some women feel they "need to" hate their partner's ex on principle -it's usually because they feel insecure. I'm sure e can dredge up some bad things about her (and if you are honest she could probably do the same) but notwithstanding he chose to stay with her for ten years - and without a marriage to keep him there.

If a single text or vm "disturbs you" perhaps you should think why it does. Do you need to be the centre of his attention the whole time? My O gets vm's or texts - I don't need to know who they are from - sometimes he tells me, sometimes he doesn't. I certainly don't need to know or feel the need to demand who each one is from. That'd get very wearing and a bit bunny boilerish very quickly. You sound a bit controlling and suffocating tbh.

misspickle_2

If there is one piece of advice that I could give to you in this particular scenario. It would be to NEVER knock the ex.
Otherwise YOU will become the ex.
Duchy is a forum user who means zilch to you. Lets just hope your bf isnt thinking the same thing though. Because the second he starts feeling controlled and suffocated then your done for. It will be the beginning of the end.
You have no say in his phone. Non whatsoever.
What you do have is a choice. You stay and accept or leave. Its as simple as that.
But you wont get to control. Because it doesnt sound to me as if he will allow you too.
Trust him!

marisco_2

Turn this situation on its head and see all the positives that have occurred to prove what a strong relationship you are in. Your partner has been completely above board and open with you about what has been going in. He has only responded to his ex when she has contacted him about issues he has needed to address with her. He has now changed his phone number in an attempt to stop her from disturbing you both any more. Don't let her issues and inability to let go occupy your thoughts and time. Just get on with enjoying life with this guy who is conducting himself with total integrity.

Poppops

divadee wrote: »

Thanks pickle. That's actually what I needed to hear. It's just hard night after night getting disturbed with a silly text or voicemail, I'm not insecure about the relationship I just struggle that anyone would need to cling for so long. Maybe I'm colder than I thiught. Hopefully it will all die down, that's all I want.

Turn off the message notifiers but leave the phone on for contact if necessary from mum. Delete texts in morning without reading.

Does this not solve the text problem?

Voltaire7

divadee wrote: »

I know cheepskate, and im trying to delicately tell him he needs to do something without sounding like I'm demanding it!

Just have a normal conversation like normal people do?

It's crazy, but it might just work.

divadee

duchy wrote: »

You sound awfully young.

He lived with her and his (good as) step son for ten years.

A dog in a family situation isn't "his dog" or "her dog" it's the family dog and odds are the reason why she kept it is because neither of them wanted to take the dog from the child or he wasn't able to keep it anywhere and look after it properly.

In time -if your new relationship lasts then you'll build things together but you can't just erase a decade of living as a family (the fact they weren't married is neither here nor there-they were a family).

Some women feel they "need to" hate their partner's ex on principle -it's usually because they feel insecure. I'm sure e can dredge up some bad things about her (and if you are honest she could probably do the same) but notwithstanding he chose to stay with her for ten years - and without a marriage to keep him there.

If a single text or vm "disturbs you" perhaps you should think why it does. Do you need to be the centre of his attention the whole time? My O gets vm's or texts - I don't need to know who they are from - sometimes he tells me, sometimes he doesn't. I certainly don't need to know or feel the need to demand who each one is from. That'd get very wearing and a bit bunny boilerish very quickly. You sound a bit controlling and suffocating tbh.

Where have I said I demand to know who each text is from? I have never done that. I normally know from his 'oh for f**** sake what now?' Response on him opening it. I don't need to ask.

And the dog is 'her' dog when she got it after they had broken up! He has had nothing to do with the dog. A lot of assumptions have been made in your post and they are incorrect.

I'm not young and insecure. I had a good relationship for 18 years and reasons beyond my control it went south. And I don't hate ex's I don't know them, infact I have told him to give her the benefit of the doubt sometimes, but I'm always proved wrong when she does something else and he moans again.

FBaby

If having my pride and dignity at the end of a relationship is wrong I don't ever want to be right!

Going on about your boyfriends' ex and throwing tantrums because he is not being mean to her as she deservices is not showing much pride and dignity.

The irony is she is probably doing it because she gets a kick out of seeing you annoyed, just as it sounds like you would get a kick out of your boyfriend telling her rudely to get lost. The reality is that if it bothers you, it shows that you are not so secure in your relationship as you'd like to believe you are.

Let her be, it is her pride and dignity, why would it bother you if she's lost it?

Voltaire7

The boyfriend is obviously enjoying it as well, otherwise he wouldn't be playing the whole drama queen act every time he gets a txt.

LilElvis

marisco wrote: »

Turn this situation on its head and see all the positives that have occurred to prove what a strong relationship you are in. Your partner has been completely above board and open with you about what has been going in. He has only responded to his ex when she has contacted him about issues he has needed to address with her. He has now changed his phone number in an attempt to stop her from disturbing you both any more. Don't let her issues and inability to let go occupy your thoughts and time. Just get on with enjoying life with this guy who is conducting himself with total integrity.

No, he might be behaving correctly in most respects but there is a glaring issue - the mother. She cannot be avoided if he wishes to have a relationship with her son. To ignore her and seek to solely have contact with the child directly is not right. The child is still a minor and the mother should know, and approve, contact. It is also deeply unfair on the child to place him in the middle between his mother and the man who has been a father figure, which is exactly what he is doing by giving only the son his telephone number and expecting to bypass the mother and her rights as the parent.

(I actually agreed more with the post you deleted!)