Can he really be reformed?

dandelionclock30

optimisticsally wrote: »

not making excuses at all, just looking at the bigger picture. i will not stay in contact with him if he goes back to selling drugs because i have seen what it does to people and it is horrible.

How will you know? He wont tell you and will just say its money from working.

System

I take it he made a decent amount from selling this stuff. You need to ask yourself is he prepared to work his butt off for the pittance he will get in comparison to what he used to earn before?

Will the temptation always be there?

Personally I'd run a mile.

Errata

i feel bad for not having faith in him but also dont want to discourage him in case he really does want to change his way of life.

If he's still knocking around with friends and family who are druggies or dealers he's quite happy with his life and doesn't want to change it.

trolleyrun

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole. Then again, I find doing/dealing drugs unforgivable. He could be declaring his reformation several times a day and I wouldn't believe it.

bagpussbear

I think you are right to have reservations. It's the fact he is still involved around people that are still involved in the drugs/culture which is concerning.

I am sure he is trying to turn his life around, and he has done his time, but at the end of the day he will have 'acquaintances' that could bring trouble to your door.

Most people by late 30's come with baggage of some sort. But there is a lot of baggage here that has the potential of causing quite some upset in later months/years to come if you decided to settle with this man.

My advice would be to keep this as a friendship, not a relationship.

BigAunty

optimisticsally wrote: »

what i have expressed to him because of my concerns is that the money he is getting from that job is nothing compared to what he was getting before therefore it is very easy and tempting to look at what his cousin for eg is doing and get back into it.

Is it you that is anxious about the dip in income he now experiences or does he actually hanker for it? What is his actual attitude to his present employment - positive? What is his actual attitude towards his past crime?

I wonder whether he (or you, actually) is focussed solely on the profit and not on the risks and loss that come from being found guilty of a crime.

I read that in the US, an academic published a theory that most drug dealers barely make the National Minimum Wage. I guess he was focussed on the ones lower down the chain. By the time you factor in years of being in prison earning zero money, and the other dangers, they would have been better off working in McDonalds.

How nostalgic is he about the past? How engaged is he with the present reality of earning a low but steadyish wage, knowing how illusory all the flash cash dealing actually is?

carefullycautious

trolleyrun wrote: »

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole. Then again, I find doing/dealing drugs unforgivable. He could be declaring his reformation several times a day and I wouldn't believe it.

I am with you on this. I could not forgive his love of greed over another persons abject misery.

foreign_correspondent

I'd be cautious to be honest - it's still very recent behavior. If it had been five years ago, it may well be a different matter.

Also, if he's ever been an IV drug user in the past (or just been reckless with his behavior which people are more likely to be when drugs are involved) there is increased an risk of HIV, Hepatitis etc, so do look after yourself

Jagraf

In my opinion no.

Find a decent chap, there are loads of them around x you are already questioning it, why put yourself through the stress.

No excuses. Selling drugs is out of my moral comfort zone. I wouldn't do it and wouldn't even be friends with someone who had.

geerex

optimisticsally wrote: »

Hello MSE, regular poster here but have chosen anonymity due to the sensitivity of the post but i do need your help.

i have recently met a lovely man and he has a very dark past. when i met him he was very honest regarding his past he had recently been released from prison for a non-violent offence but had served a year inside and was now out on licence for the rest of his sentence. he is in his thirties and when he told me about his time in prison it prompted me to ask more questions where i found out that he had a history of selling drugs and gang culture but he says he is not involved in that now.
he has a daughter who is three but is not with the mother, i do not have any kids of my own.

i do not want to stereotype him and think just because he was involved in selling drugs from his teenage years up until his late twenties he will do it again but i am very weary. he swears he is not interested in that life because of the trouble it brings however some of his friends and family are still involved in that life and from an observation pov it seems very hard for me to accept that one can be around all that and still stay out it, not saying that it cannot happen i'm just a bit unsure.

from the moment we met we got on like house on fire, we can spend hours on the phone together and time just flies when we are together. he's very attentive, caring, hes such a lovely person.

another reservation i have is the fact that he has a child, nothing wrong with this but i always feel like people with kids together tend to drift towards each other because of that bond that ties them together so i do not want a situation where i have to deal with any problems from that.

insights please

I don't understand why your tiredness is a factor?