Can he really be reformed?

optimisticsally

Hello MSE, regular poster here but have chosen anonymity due to the sensitivity of the post but i do need your help.

i have recently met a lovely man and he has a very dark past. when i met him he was very honest regarding his past he had recently been released from prison for a non-violent offence but had served a year inside and was now out on licence for the rest of his sentence. he is in his thirties and when he told me about his time in prison it prompted me to ask more questions where i found out that he had a history of selling drugs and gang culture but he says he is not involved in that now.
he has a daughter who is three but is not with the mother, i do not have any kids of my own.

i do not want to stereotype him and think just because he was involved in selling drugs from his teenage years up until his late twenties he will do it again but i am very weary. he swears he is not interested in that life because of the trouble it brings however some of his friends and family are still involved in that life and from an observation pov it seems very hard for me to accept that one can be around all that and still stay out it, not saying that it cannot happen i'm just a bit unsure.

from the moment we met we got on like house on fire, we can spend hours on the phone together and time just flies when we are together. he's very attentive, caring, hes such a lovely person.

another reservation i have is the fact that he has a child, nothing wrong with this but i always feel like people with kids together tend to drift towards each other because of that bond that ties them together so i do not want a situation where i have to deal with any problems from that.

insights please

aileth

optimisticsally wrote: »

i do not want to stereotype him and think just because he was involved in selling drugs from his teenage years up until his late twenties he will do it again but i am very weary. he swears he is not interested in that life because of the trouble it brings however some of his friends and family are still involved in that life and from an observation pov it seems very hard for me to accept that one can be around all that and still stay out it, not saying that it cannot happen i'm just a bit unsure.

I work in the court system and 99% of offenders will spout this out of their mouth, but within months of release they're off trotting doing it again.

I think it'd be a different situation if his offences were years and years ago, maybe stupid gang involvement when he was a young offender, but he's recently been released so he's still up to it.

Not worth the trouble at all tbh, it'll all end in tears.

peachyprice

How does he make a living now he's not selling drugs?

tea_lover

Does he have a job, place to stay, means of supporting his child, new support network?

dandelionclock30

Its unbelievable the amount of posts on here where its the first persons post and they are a regular user of this forum.


If its a genuine post, it is possible that he could change but if hes been in this way of life all his life its highly unlikely. Its virtually impossible for him to be around all that and not doing anything.
Also he will find it very difficult to get work with being in prison . So whats he going to do for money?
I'd move on and get someone elce before he starts poncing off you big style and trust me he will.

Gavin83

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Also he will find it very difficult to get work with being in prison . So whats he going to do for money?

Thats a big problem isn't it. How do we expect people to turn their back on crime and reform if they can't get money via a legitimate job?

fluffnutter

aileth wrote: »

I work in the court system and 99% of offenders will spout this out of their mouth, but within months of release they're off trotting doing it again.

99% of former prisoners re-offend? If you work in the court system, you'd know that this figure is completely fabricated.

OP, of course he can reform. Anyone can. Whether they want to or not is a different matter. I think it's worrying that he chooses to remain on the verges of his former life, even if he assures you that he's no longer involved. If he's serious about reforming then he needs to cut these ties.

Money_maker

Interesting to know how you can spend hours talking on the phone when you have such different backgrounds. Have you actually met him?

thorsoak

optimisticsally wrote: »

Hello MSE, regular poster here but have chosen anonymity due to the sensitivity of the post but i do need your help.

i have recently met a lovely man and he has a very dark past. when i met him he was very honest regarding his past he had recently been released from prison for a non-violent offence but had served a year inside and was now out on licence for the rest of his sentence. he is in his thirties and when he told me about his time in prison it prompted me to ask more questions where i found out that he had a history of selling drugs and gang culture but he says he is not involved in that now.
he has a daughter who is three but is not with the mother, i do not have any kids of my own.

i do not want to stereotype him and think just because he was involved in selling drugs from his teenage years up until his late twenties he will do it again but i am very weary. he swears he is not interested in that life because of the trouble it brings however some of his friends and family are still involved in that life and from an observation pov it seems very hard for me to accept that one can be around all that and still stay out it, not saying that it cannot happen i'm just a bit unsure.

from the moment we met we got on like house on fire, we can spend hours on the phone together and time just flies when we are together. he's very attentive, caring, hes such a lovely person.

another reservation i have is the fact that he has a child, nothing wrong with this but i always feel like people with kids together tend to drift towards each other because of that bond that ties them together so i do not want a situation where i have to deal with any problems from that.

insights please

This, to me, is the sticking point: if he really wishes to move away from this lifestyle, he would be moving away from the friends and family still associated with it.

My advice to you would be to keep this friendship on a low burner - let him prove to you that he is clean/clear of drugs etc. Don't allow yourself to build a relationship upon promises that he may not be able to keep.

Has he got a job? Does it afford him to to finance his lifestyle without having to resort to dealing with drugs? If it does not, it will be only too easy for him to slip back into the old ways - especially if he keeps contact with old friends and family. Be aware.

aileth

fluffnutter wrote: »

99% of former prisoners re-offend? If you work in the court system, you'd know that this figure is completely fabricated.

OP, of course he can reform. Anyone can. Whether they want to or not is a different matter. I think it's worrying that he chooses to remain on the verges of his former life, even if he assures you that he's no longer involved. If he's serious about reforming then he needs to cut these ties.

Of course I am exaggerating the figure, I didn't quote from guideline figures or get technical, but for someone who is surrounded by offending in his family, has offended for many, many years and has recently offended, they often say very, very similar things to Judges or Probation before getting sent down. I'm sure a lot of them mean it, but by now it's effectively his lifestyle.

Like others have said, how does he support himself now? Many doors will be shut to him, and with his family doing similar things so close to home, it will be very difficult for him to resist.

More trouble than it's worth for a new relationship IMO.

purpleshoes_2

optimisticsally wrote: »

Hello MSE, regular poster here but have chosen anonymity due to the sensitivity of the post but i do need your help.

i have recently met a lovely man and he has a very dark past. when i met him he was very honest regarding his past he had recently been released from prison for a non-violent offence but had served a year inside and was now out on licence for the rest of his sentence. he is in his thirties and when he told me about his time in prison it prompted me to ask more questions where i found out that he had a history of selling drugs and gang culture but he says he is not involved in that now.
he has a daughter who is three but is not with the mother, i do not have any kids of my own.

i do not want to stereotype him and think just because he was involved in selling drugs from his teenage years up until his late twenties he will do it again but i am very weary. he swears he is not interested in that life because of the trouble it brings however some of his friends and family are still involved in that life and from an observation pov it seems very hard for me to accept that one can be around all that and still stay out it, not saying that it cannot happen i'm just a bit unsure.

from the moment we met we got on like house on fire, we can spend hours on the phone together and time just flies when we are together. he's very attentive, caring, hes such a lovely person.

another reservation i have is the fact that he has a child, nothing wrong with this but i always feel like people with kids together tend to drift towards each other because of that bond that ties them together so i do not want a situation where i have to deal with any problems from that.

insights please

Ten years of selling drugs and being involved in gang culture, but gang culture I assume you mean violence?

I'd stay away. You've seen his lovely side, you might not want to see his not so lovely side.

What does he do now? For a living?