Marriage Problems - Potential Split

Jonny1978

Hi All,


Responses to your comments/questions below:


"The OP seems to have timed her change in behaviour to a recent property move or new child.

I wonder how far back her poor behaviour actually really started to show.

I find it hard to believe that someone so abusive just became so after a single event.

I am curious to know if the OP can recall much earlier glimpses of the hostile attitude, belittling and putting down. Were there any instances early on in the relationship that provided signs to her current behaviour?"

If I gave the impression this only really started recently apologies, the behaviour has been going on for years but I do think it has got/is getting worse with the added stresses of kids. She's always been one for getting her way and has never, and I mean never, admitted she has been wrong about anything. Common causes of arguments are me not listening or forgetting something she asked me to do, me wanting to go out especially if it involves stopping at a friends due to distance and choosing my own cars, clothes, music on the cd as she thinks I have terrible taste in all three.


"It boils down to one thing and this single thing eats away at her regarding her relationships with men. This dislike of men stems from a simple relationship she had all those years ago. It is a huge issue with her own father and she has devoted her whole life to seeking revenge on the one person who she believes, deep down unconsciously, that caused her so much grief.

I could be wrong in your case, but how did she get on with her dad?"


She got on really well with her dad although she was hit really hard when he died suddenly a few years after we got together. Understandably that really affected her and "I think" (although it was a long time ago) things started to get worst for our relationship after that.


"She sounds an absolute nightmare! What are YOU getting from this relationship?

I'm concerned about the effect it's having on the children, too, if she's constantly abusive and negative in front of them."


I have asked myself what I am getting from the relationship a lot over the last year or two and I'm not sure really which is why I guess I am starting to think as I am. I am very concerned about the affect on the children, more so than myself and this is what I think is adding impetus to me actually doing something about it after all these years. Truth be know, I think I am that accustomed to the relationship and her behaviour, and my nature is that laid back and passive generally that over the years I've just learned to live with it for the sake of stability/security I suppose....

TrickyWicky

bagpussbear wrote: »

When did you first notice a change? Did something happen earlier in your relationship? has either of you been unfaithful?

Forgive me for barking up the wrong tree here but I have a hunch that she has gained attention from another man and probably not done anything about it but wants to. Hubby being in the picture restricts this and she feels bitter that she can't have her new admirer plus her cake to eat.

Seen it many times and the last time was a psychotic woman who married my mate. They were together years and got hitched. Suddenly within a year she hated him, forced him out, tried to convince the kids that he was all bad etc. As soon as he was out the door she had a new fella and half her health problems mysteriously packed up.

Mupette

All quiet at the moment? is it worse at different times of the month, what is her age, is it possible to be premenopausal which is the worse part of the whole menopause thing.

i'm only 45 been suffering for years with temper/mood swings nitpicking at husband and son.

I kicked son out last year because of his attitude towards paying his way.

All boiled down to pre menopause, blood tests are hit or miss as hormones are up and down and bloods taken at the wrong time will give false readings, gp finally agreed this was menopause when i said my mum was as described above and i saw myself in the same route, 6 months on, on hrt and a much calmer person, its no longer an 'old' woman's problem.

That linked to her fathers death i think this woman needs counseling before she tears her family apart and blames it all on the op

Morglin

To be honest, OP, if she won't seek help then you cannot force her to.

On that basis, I would do what is best for your kids, and probably leave, as this constant war zone is bad for them, as well as you.

Obviously, this doesn't prevent you being a great Dad, which should be your priority.

I would let your wife deal with whatever winds her up herself, as you can only help them that help themselves.

It could just be that, for whatever reason, she no longer loves you, and is making that clear in a roundabout way.

The whole relationship sounds joyless for all of you, and that is never healthy.

Lin

anotheruser

She may be a good Mother but if you can provide better for your sons, then tell her where to go!

Dinah93

I'd settle down and have a read of this thread for if you do decide to separate, her attitude to what you should provide is quite telling, and you want to start of on the best footing in case it does go the legal route later.

Would she go to counselling if you phrased it as 'getting advice for how to parent apart' or some such thing? My hubby and I were having a rough time about a year ago, I found him very short tempered, I didn't like how it upset our daughter, he just saw it as things being done the right way (read his way). I was reluctant to go to counselling as it seemed daft to think this stranger could help us, but actually we've been very happy since. It quite quickly became apparent he was copying the only parenting style he knew, his mother is extremely controlling, and the only way he knew parenting was either by vanishing off for 100+ hours a week to work, or trying to control every minute detail (Father/Mother) of everyone's lives. After this realisation came through he really let it go, and we're a happy, loving family now. I can't believe how well 4 sessions worked, and how much it has changed our lives. I was really embarrassed about going, but I'd be much more embarrassed to throw away what is now a good marriage for the sake of 4 hours of my life! The other thing that came out of it is that he said he wished his parents had divorced a lot earlier, they eventually broke up when he was 16 but he doesn't remember anything but tension and arguments in his home, so the idea that a house doesn't need to be like this has actually been quite hard for him to grasp, where it's normal for me because it's what I'm used to.

Hope you've had a good week.

johnnyshuttle

Jonny1978.... Hope you find a solution mate, no point being unhappy at home..
All the best..

duchy

Jonny1978 wrote: »

Hi,


Thanks everyone. In response to some of the points raised:


Child Maintenance Calculator - I've used this and it says I should pay £420/month if I have the boys 2-3 nights per week which is what I want. This wont be welcome surprise as I think she will expect more, I was intending on paying £500 anyway as don't want casting as a neglectful/bad father.


.

I wouldn't base your financial calculations on this.
It isn't usual for a NRP to have the children all weekend and every weekend as it leaves the RP with no time with them for leisure activities, social activities or time with extended family, weddings , holidays etc. If you work fulltime week nights tend not to work plus can you say honestly as a single man you won't at some point have activities or obligations at weekends (or even want to socialize more and build another relationship)


Every other weekend or one night a week is more usual.

Consistency is far more important to children than frequency at it builds stability for them after a relationship split.
Face it- school days are usually home from school, tea, homework, bed -rinse and repeat- which leaves little time for quality activities or fun together for the RP and their children. Especially if Mum is working -which is more usual with divorced mothers.