Marriage Problems - Potential Split

Mojisola

bagpussbear wrote: »

Have you any plans for Valentines? sometimes the stresses of modern life, working, bringing up kiddies takes its toll on the strongest of us. Would it be an idea to get a babysitter for the night, and take her off to somewhere nice and try to romantically connect with her? Tell her you love her lots, and possibly start to open up a conversation?

If you're on the verge of breaking up, I don't think being in a restaurant with a lot of genuinely loved-up couples gazing adoringly at each other is going to make her feel good.

bagpussbear

Mojisola wrote: »

If you're on the verge of breaking up, I don't think being in a restaurant with a lot of genuinely loved-up couples gazing adoringly at each other is going to make her feel good.

Point taken. But I didn't say restaurant. I said somewhere nice - and whatever 'nice' is to the OP and his wife might be something very different to the stereotypical valentines dinner in a crowded restaurant.

My point was really to suggest getting out of the home, away from the kids to somewhere she'd really like to try and connect with each other again.

The OP and his wife have lost the connection, and if they are on the verge of breaking up, I think anything is worth a try?

Mojisola

bagpussbear wrote: »

My point was really to suggest getting out of the home, away from the kids to somewhere she'd really like to try and connect with each other again.

This could work but I'd still avoid Valentine's Day.

enginesuck

See if you can move out without commiting to a 6 month tenancy just yet - unless you have firmly made your mind up - it could be a reality check that she needs. A month or two on her own (with mininmum financial support) and she may just realise shes been unreasonable.

BigAunty

Jonny1978 wrote: »

Child Maintenance Calculator - I've used this and it says I should pay £420/month if I have the boys 2-3 nights per week which is what I want. This wont be welcome surprise as I think she will expect more, I was intending on paying £500 anyway as don't want casting as a neglectful/bad father.

The government encourages parents to negotiate their own settlement. The CSA are moving to a system where if the parents fail to reach agreement, they will charge fees for their intervention.

That said, if your wife is as angry and entitled as you indicate, she will react negatively to all your proposals by default.

Regretfully, some parents with care of the children probably use access to them as a lever to blackmail more out of the non-resident parent or don't want it to reduce the child maintenance (as CM uses this as a factor).

Jonny1978 wrote: »

PND/Depression/Counselling - We've discussed counselling when we've had issues in the past and I'd be willing but she flat refuses, I just need to change and stop winding her up. I've wondered about depression and PND but there is no way I could get her to consider it let alone visit a doctors. As for me being depressed I think I am fairly resilient but have been down about our situation for a while. At work and with friends though I'm happy enough and would be seen as a pretty positive person.

Other stuff I do when asked but then get abuse for not meeting her exacting standards as she's so obsessive about things. I also do DIY stuff when needed although again she tends not to be happy with the job I do.

Actually, its not you, its her. I know she expresses her negativity using housework as the focus but that's probably only because its the most direct way to attack you. Housework is a common activity, it gives her masses of opportunity to be abusive on this issue.

It sounds like, for whatever reason, she has no emotional balance or equanimity and is happy to take down others with her.

She clearly expects you to tiptoe round her and you have clearly been worn down. It's not your fault. She could choose to be respectful and affectionate, or seek help for her issues, but she won't.

The housework/DIY criticism is her way of controlling you or a way for her to undermine you. It's not about the subject matter but the attitude or behind it or the behaviour that leads that you should focus on. If, for example, you had a low wage, she'd be snidey around this, or if you spent time on a particular hobby, she'd dismiss that. You will never be able to please her, it isn't your actual actions that cause it...

Jonny1978 wrote: »

Benefits - I visited the website and used the calculator and was amazed at how much she me be entitled to if we split. Wouldn't mind someone checking this so details needed below:


Gross Salary: £17,500
Hours/WK - 22
Childcare Costs (I currently pay) - £200/month
Council Tax Band: E

...

You are best off posting that scenario on the Benefits forum where there are more experience posters, either as claimants or people who process benefit claims or work in Citizen Advice Bureaus for example.

I do see posts on the benefit forum from newly separated people who are stunned at the child or in-work benefits that they can receive who require reassurance that it's their actual entitlement, particularly if they are tenants as Housing benefit will pay most or all of their rent, too. (You can't get HB as a home owner)

That said, I mentioned Income Support which someone in employment will not get (apologies) and for means tested benefits like council tax, capital (i.e. savings/investments) over 6k reduce them while capital over 16k rule them out. No issues with tax credits though at the moment (may change in the move to Universal Credit if it ever gets introduced and its years off anyway).

Just don't expect your missus to be happy with her wages, CM, tax credits, subsidised child care and next to no council tax to pay, though...

BigAunty

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

And paying your legal required amount would leave you extra to help as and when needed, especially as you need to provide a place for your children to be comfortable when staying.

Good point. The OP could always pay the standard amount due and put any other disposable income into a child related investments, for example. Also, he presumably needs a property with a spare bedroom on top of perhaps paying towards the family home which could be a stretch.

He's already found out (subject to it being verified) that the state might give her hundreds of pounds each week in child/work related benefits and perhaps pay most of the council tax.

Though it's at the very earliest stages, and the relationship may resume, there are instances I've seen on the child support board where there is resentment when a non-resident parent establishes a second family.

The OP can always increase payments in the future but if there are any financial changes in the future (such as a second family or drop in income for another reason), then saying 'sorry, got to reduce the CM to the legal minimum' is going to go down badly ('Lads, your father has got different priorities now, so you can't have new trainers and you can forget that school trip, too' type of blackmail.

carefullycautious

Sometimes woman are their own worst enemy as the partners are damned if they do and damned if they don't.


I can understand why you want to leave for some peace and quiet as there is nothing worse than a screaming banshee who is trying to juggle everything or perceives to be.


Leaving will give you some breathing space, I hope it all works out for you.

PeacefulWaters

You're probably on the receiving end of this passive aggressive nonsense because of something else in her life - probably before you were even part of it. You're just "there" so you get the blame.

I'd strongly recommend counselling. Find one (some larger employer's may offer free support via a third party). Tell her you're going and she's more than welcome to join you.

You attend either way and take it from there. It will help you get your thoughts in order before you make a game changing decision.

Don't move out just yet. But don't be miserable forever.

BigAunty

Perhaps you would find a degree of support with organisations like these, who can help you come to terms with the level of verbal abuse, bullying, belittling and criticism you have experienced - did she put you down in front of your children or other parties? I am alarmed that you seem to think you have to modify your behaviour...

Some of the men's stories detailed there have experiences like 'She seemed to be on a quest to prove that anything and everything I did was wrong, insensitive and inadequate...I attempted to address every issue she raised, but as soon as I provided a solution she would find something else amiss. There was never recognition of what I had done, just more demands, and aggression if her problems were not resolved. '. (PS - this person also moved to a bigger more expensive house to appease his wife, and was harassed into this, but that tactic didn't work either!).

http://www.mankind.org.uk/typesdomesticabuse.html


How do you know you are abused by your partner?

If you are forced to change the way you behave because you are frightened of your partner's reaction, it is likely you are being abused. If you feel afraid, walking on eggshells, intimidated by your partner, it is likely you are being abused. If there is conflict in your relationship and your partner hurts you (physically, emotionally etc) it is likely you are being abused.


http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/pages/help-and-information-advice.html

Jonny1978

BigAunty wrote: »

Perhaps you would find a degree of support with organisations like these, who can help you come to terms with the level of verbal abuse, bullying, belittling and criticism you have experienced - did she put you down in front of your children or other parties? I am alarmed that you seem to think you have to modify your behaviour...

Some of the men's stories detailed there have experiences like 'She seemed to be on a quest to prove that anything and everything I did was wrong, insensitive and inadequate...I attempted to address every issue she raised, but as soon as I provided a solution she would find something else amiss. There was never recognition of what I had done, just more demands, and aggression if her problems were not resolved. '. (PS - this person also moved to a bigger more expensive house to appease his wife, and was harassed into this, but that tactic didn't work either!).




How do you know you are abused by your partner?

If you are forced to change the way you behave because you are frightened of your partner's reaction, it is likely you are being abused. If you feel afraid, walking on eggshells, intimidated by your partner, it is likely you are being abused. If there is conflict in your relationship and your partner hurts you (physically, emotionally etc) it is likely you are being abused.





Hi,



Thanks for your replies above, has given me further food for thought. I do recognise some of the "signs" above which I've highlighted bold and also in your previous email. I spend a lot of time trying to reduce criticism and arguments (avoiding them is impossible) - an example being today I was insulted for using the wrong side of the grater to grate a carrot (you couldn't make it up!) as she told me to use the other. I am quite strong though so will defend myself and answer back, which is probably why she gets so annoyed and the arguments escalate as she believes "I don't listen to her" unless I do everything exactly as she wants.



This has/does take place in front of the kids sometimes and this is the thing that gets to me the most. I've tried to ask her calmly to stop shouting in front of them as I'm worried about the affect it could have particularly on the 4 yr old. This makes her worst though and she says she wouldn't need to shout if I didn't wind her up/agreed with her/did as she said. There is no willingness whatsoever to change this behaviour as its not her - its me. I worry that the kids may grown up thinking this is how to behave to get your way, I worry that they will start speaking to me like this themselves, I've had the 4 yr old shout "it's your fault" already when having a tantrum and it sent a shiver down my spine...



She takes great pleasure in telling me I have no dress sense and clothes I choose don't suit me or make me look fat etc.. We've argued a lot over this in the past as unless she picks things she pretty much dislikes anything I choose. But I still choose and we have the argument as I'm strong minded and stubborn (but probably do have bad dress sense or so my friends say!). It's just so bloody wearing going through it every time though...



I really don't know what I'm going to do at the moment as things have calmed down again (ish) but its only a matter of time before the next flare up... To the outside world thing look rosy (lovely house, kids, good job etc..) but inside things are very different. Would surprise and upset a lot of people if I went through with leaving and broke the family up, not least my boys which is my main concern. Not sure I've got the heart/guts but at the same time can't face another 30-40 years of this...