Marriage Problems - Potential Split

PeacefulWaters

Not sure I've got the heart/guts but at the same time can't face another 30-40 years of this

Counselling for you will help you prepare for and positively influence both courses of action. Staying and succeeding or leaving and succeeding in your life and as a parent.

Or staying, trying, failing and then leaving. Which at least gives you the satisfaction of having made an effort.

Better_Days

My mother sounds very much like your wife. Constant shouting, drama, over-reactions, belittling, blaming, not good enough. It is emotionally exhausting, and if it continues there is a danger it will drain you totally. It will grind you down. (You may wish to explore NPD, as you have described some traits in your wife)

For you to move forward in whichever way you decide is best for you and your children you are going to need emotional resilience. I strongly advise that if you can afford it you go for counselling. A good counsellor will help you analyse the situation you explore the options for the future. Counsellors can provide insights that may not be apparent when you are so close to what is going on. This emotional support outside the family unit can be invaluable.

If you do leave it is so important to ensure that you are in your children's lives as a positive role model. My father b*ggered off when I was 10 (with 3 younger siblings) leaving us to the tender mercies of our mother. We didn't see him again for 8 years until his second marriage failed even though he lived in the same town. Frankly I never forgave him for it. He knew what she was like and he didn't care enough about his children to make any effort whatsoever to protect us. Our mother's behaviour has resulted in long term problems for me and my siblings.

I do hope you you find a way through this both for your sake and that of your young children.

Mojisola

Jonny1978 wrote: »

This makes her worst though and she says she wouldn't need to shout if I didn't wind her up/agreed with her/did as she said.

If ever there was a classic abuser's quote, this is it.:(

coopersm

It sounds a bit like my relationship although we are not married yet after almost 23 yr together. I feel for you as I know what its like, esp when you have kids.

I think you should make a break of it now. We are still together altho our youngesr is almost twelve. Weve had break ups and prob more to come.
The insane thing is I blame my gf for this entirely and she does to a certain degree.
I know women friends. She has no friends of her own ( apart from workmates) so naturally my women friends are a 'threat' to her..because 'thats how it starts'.
She has demons and refuses to get help.
Ive had the old 'go on f##k off then..see what happens' its like walkng on eggshells when she has an episode. Ive learned now though. She sleeps in yhe sofa when it happens.
On the flipside. When its good its really good. She is fun, good mum, lover, cook, everything. Ive compared her to my father, who despite being a horrible drunk every weekend just managed to keep it altogether somehow.

And this is why I say, dont let the kids grow up in an atmosphere like you describe.

ali-t

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I sometimes feel a bit 'hmmmph' about the boyfriend putting his washing away, but it not occurring to him that he may as well put everything else away at the same time. In fairness, he's lovely, and will do anything I ask him to do - but I do have to ask him in the first place, he doesn't realise that it would be nice if I didn't have to think of it in the first place. That and I don't see giving him a list of tasks to do/orders to follow as treating him as a fully grown man.
/QUOTE]

Wow JoJo, that could have been written by me!

BigAunty

Jonny1978 wrote: »

This has/does take place in front of the kids sometimes and this is the thing that gets to me the most. I've tried to ask her calmly to stop shouting in front of them as I'm worried about the affect it could have particularly on the 4 yr old. This makes her worst though and she says she wouldn't need to shout if I didn't wind her up/agreed with her/did as she said. There is no willingness whatsoever to change this behaviour as its not her - its me. ..

As stated by someone else, it is a classic abusers tactic to not take responsibility for their actions, attitudes and behaviour and to blame the victim. It's text book stuff. She could choose to be respectful but doesn't.

"Domestic violence is learned intentional behaviour rather than the consequence of stress, individual pathology, substance use or a 'dysfunctional' relationship. Perpetrators of domestic violence frequently avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour, by blaming their violence on someone or something else, denying it took place at all or minimising their behaviour. Whilst responsibility for the actual violence is the perpetrator's alone, there are belief systems in our society that perpetuate abusive attitudes and make it difficult for women and children to get help. These include:"


Here is some information here about the impact of domestic abuse on children.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220002&itemTitle=Children

Jonny1978 wrote: »

"To the outside world thing look rosy (lovely house, kids, good job etc..) but inside things are very different. Would surprise and upset a lot of people if I went through with leaving and broke the family up, not least my boys which is my main concern. "

That's quite classic behaviour, protecting their reputation outside the home. We see lots of threads on here from women subject to extreme abuse whose partner's are adored, admired and respected outside. Another quote from Womens Aid.

"If an abuser is careful about when, where and to whom they are abusive then they are showing sufficient awareness and knowledge about their actions to indicate they are making choices about their behaviour. "

I think as well as the excellent idea to have counselling, you should look into domestic abuse support websites/helplines for men.

Womens Aid say the worst time (in terms of how the abuse escalates) is when the abused person is trying to leave the relationship. You are going to be very vulnerable then. Your wife has already indicated that she may make you pay for any decision of yours to leave.

Is it a jointly owned house? If it is in your sole name, then have you considered asking her to leave?

BigAunty

I think your wife ticks the boxes for at least 4 of these behaviours?:-

Why does it happen?

All forms of domestic violence - psychological, economic, emotional and physical - come from the abuser's desire for power and control over other family members or intimate partners. Although every situation is unique, there are common factors involved. Find out more about the causes. What are the signs of domestic violence?

• Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
• Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
• Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
• Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
• Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
• Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
• Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
• Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
• Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
• Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

j.e.j.

Jonny1978 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies above, has given me further food for thought. I do recognise some of the "signs" above which I've highlighted bold and also in your previous email. I spend a lot of time trying to reduce criticism and arguments (avoiding them is impossible) - an example being today I was insulted for using the wrong side of the grater to grate a carrot (you couldn't make it up!) as she told me to use the other. I am quite strong though so will defend myself and answer back, which is probably why she gets so annoyed and the arguments escalate as she believes "I don't listen to her" unless I do everything exactly as she wants.



This has/does take place in front of the kids sometimes and this is the thing that gets to me the most. I've tried to ask her calmly to stop shouting in front of them as I'm worried about the affect it could have particularly on the 4 yr old. This makes her worst though and she says she wouldn't need to shout if I didn't wind her up/agreed with her/did as she said. There is no willingness whatsoever to change this behaviour as its not her - its me. I worry that the kids may grown up thinking this is how to behave to get your way, I worry that they will start speaking to me like this themselves, I've had the 4 yr old shout "it's your fault" already when having a tantrum and it sent a shiver down my spine...



She takes great pleasure in telling me I have no dress sense and clothes I choose don't suit me or make me look fat etc.. We've argued a lot over this in the past as unless she picks things she pretty much dislikes anything I choose. But I still choose and we have the argument as I'm strong minded and stubborn (but probably do have bad dress sense or so my friends say!). It's just so bloody wearing going through it every time though...



I really don't know what I'm going to do at the moment as things have calmed down again (ish) but its only a matter of time before the next flare up... To the outside world thing look rosy (lovely house, kids, good job etc..) but inside things are very different. Would surprise and upset a lot of people if I went through with leaving and broke the family up, not least my boys which is my main concern. Not sure I've got the heart/guts but at the same time can't face another 30-40 years of this...

She sounds an absolute nightmare! What are YOU getting from this relationship?

I'm concerned about the effect it's having on the children, too, if she's constantly abusive and negative in front of them.

Might be time to get some legal advice. You may even be able to go for residency if the home situation is that bad. They'd obviously have to go to childcare while you're at work, but a lot of single parents (usually mums) do that.

Laz123

I was in a very similar situation 20+ years ago. Abusive, belittling and aggressive wife putting me down all the time. My self esteem was pretty low. I ran a business and worked long hours but I was a hands-on dad, changing nappies and whatever. I was so low I even thought about ending it all. So I walked out and went to stay at a relative's house which luckily was vacant. I left her money in the bank, school fees and the mortgage mostly paid off. Gradually I built myself up and visited the kids every weekend and picked them up to stay over the weekends.

Then I studied psychology at night school to find out what was going on in my life. Then I had some psychotherapy and eventually became a psychotherapist myself. I found out you can't change the other person only yourself. She's still a !!!!! even to this day and still has problems with relationships. Although the kids are grown up and we tolerate each other when I still visit I can see she's still the nasty individual she always was, but now I know why. It boils down to one thing and this single thing eats away at her regarding her relationships with men. This dislike of men stems from a simple relationship she had all those years ago. It is a huge issue with her own father and she has devoted her whole life to seeking revenge on the one person who she believes, deep down unconsciously, that caused her so much grief.

I could be wrong in your case, but how did she get on with her dad?

BigAunty

The OP seems to have timed her change in behaviour to a recent property move or new child.

I wonder how far back her poor behaviour actually really started to show.

I find it hard to believe that someone so abusive just became so after a single event.

I am curious to know if the OP can recall much earlier glimpses of the hostile attitude, belittling and putting down. Were there any instances early on in the relationship that provided signs to her current behaviour?