Sharing childcare while one partner works outside the home

Timeflies

This has probably been asked before but...

How do you, or how do you think it is fair to, share the care of a small child, when one partner is working outside the home?

I am on maternity leave, and OH's paternity leave is just ending. He seems to think that I should do all the night time feeds, changes etc, because he will be at work in the day and needs to sleep at night. I'm already finding the idea of looking after our baby all day on my own quite daunting, never mind all day and all night. I had a difficult labour and emergency c section, so I'm still recovering from that.

Eventually we plan to both work part time, but for now I'm on maternity leave and he'll work 37 hours over 5 days in 7.

I know people say sleep when baby sleeps, but today she only slept for 20 minutes between 8am and 6pm...

Intuitively, I'd say OH and I should come to some arrangement where we get about as much sleep as each other, not that the person not going out to work should bear the brunt of the sleep deprivation. What do you think?

nearlyrich

I think each couple does what works for them, if you are at home and the baby goes down for a nap you can put your feet up and join her, DH at work has to carry on for his whole shift. I think once you recover from the CS ( I had 2 so I know how you feel) and get baby into a routine the whole thing becomes less daunting. I am sure your DH will help he is probably dreading going to work feeling sleep deprived too.

duchy

I think your partner works five days a week to support his family -and to expect him to keep his job whilst sleep deprived is unreasonable.

That said -it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to do the night feeds etc on the two nights a week he doesn't have work the next day if you are unable to cope.

Personally my view when on Mat leave was that he worked hard to enable me to spend the early months with our son so my "job" was to care for our son and if he wanted to help out it was a bonus.

Once I went back to work part-time he cared fulltime for our 7 month son one day a week and it was only then he realized just how much effort was involved (I'd told him before then but he hadn't understood).

It is very early days if your OH is only just going back after paternity leave presumably your baby is only a few weeks old and you haven't yet established routines . The first few weeks are sheer hard work and overwhelming but it doesn't last (if it did no-one would ever have a second child !!)

Honestly yes expecting him to do a full days work sleep deprived when you can grab naps when you can in the day (or even go to bed as soon as he gets in leaving him "in charge" for a couple of hours) is unreasonable. It's as if you are saying "I am suffering so you must too"
Do you really want him falling asleep at the wheel travelling to work .....or getting fired for falling a sleep at work or for making stupid mistakes out of tiredness ?

cte1111

I think parents should take it in turns to get up in the night, whether one partner is working outside the home or not. In the first few months, it's almost impossible to sleep for any length of time in the day and it's very hard work looking after a newborn, particularly whilst also recovering from a serious operation.

penguin83

When I was on maternity leave after having our third, I expected to do the vast majority of the childcare and household stuff and definitely all of the night feeds. As I was not at work that is what I saw my role as. Once I went back to work we then split everything pretty much down the middle. I still do the majority of the night wakings but I am one of those weird people who like them!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Timeflies wrote: »

This has probably been asked before but...

How do you, or how do you think it is fair to, share the care of a small child, when one partner is working outside the home?

I am on maternity leave, and OH's paternity leave is just ending. He seems to think that I should do all the night time feeds, changes etc, because he will be at work in the day and needs to sleep at night. I'm already finding the idea of looking after our baby all day on my own quite daunting, never mind all day and all night. I had a difficult labour and emergency c section, so I'm still recovering from that.

Eventually we plan to both work part time, but for now I'm on maternity leave and he'll work 37 hours over 5 days in 7.

I know people say sleep when baby sleeps, but today she only slept for 20 minutes between 8am and 6pm...

Intuitively, I'd say OH and I should come to some arrangement where we get about as much sleep as each other, not that the person not going out to work should bear the brunt of the sleep deprivation. What do you think?

My youngest's dad did nothing whatsoever. Ever. My boyfriend with his ex did everything from the moment he got in (baby was handed to him before he even got through the door) until the moment he left for work the next morning with next to no sleep (and made himself ill in the process).

However, I would point out that 20 minutes in the day is 20 minutes more than he'll get at work - and if your baby isn't sleeping at all, maybe there's an underlying cause like colic or reflux?

duchy

I notice you say your OH's paternity leave is just ending so I guess he hasn't gone back to work yet.

I do remember the day my then husband went back to work when our son was two weeks old looking at him that first morning and thinking "OMG this little person is now 100% my responsibility " and feeling quite daunted by the thought........ but I had a five minute panic and then got on with it-that's what Mum's do I actually found the baby settled and slept more with just me there anyway .

I do think this is about more than who gets up at night .......but it'll be fine. Millions of Mums are proof it's survivable.

PasturesNew

My black/white opinion is: you should do it all because ....

- he has to be at work, at a specific time, all perky and bright, or be sacked.
- if he's not perky on the commute he could meet with a nasty accident
- the fear of being sacked, or killed on the way to work, won't put him in the best mental state to [a] be at work fancy coming home to you.
- you can't get sacked for nodding off on the sofa, or under performing in any way
- you don't have to be up/dressed/smart/perky and ON TIME every day, come rain or shine.

splishsplash

What other people do is not really that important. What matters is what you and your husband feel is going to work for both of you.

I'm really not a stalker, but I notice your baby born by c/s less than three weeks ago weighing over 10 pounds:eek:.

I think you're going to feel like you're reeling after that experience for a while. Support is going to be very important for you over the next few weeks.

If you feel you need more support and your husband feels he cannot provide it because of having to work, then your support must come from another source.

Have you family, friends, peer groups, groups or any way of helping yourself form a support network so you feel less overwhelmed? Would you consider hiring a doula/au pair for a couple of months?

I think it would be well worth your while to put something in place so that you don't end up stressed and resentful instead of loving this time when your baby is tiny.

VfM4meplse

Timeflies wrote: »

I know people say sleep when baby sleeps, but today she only slept for 20 minutes between 8am and 6pm...

Perhaps baby should sleep when you sleep? Seriously, I'd relish the opportunity to stay at home with a babyl Have you thought about packing OH off to work and then sleeping for a couple of hours with the baby next to you? They'll nod off naturally and in such close physical proximity, you won't be worried that you're ignoring your child.

I'm sure there will be plenty that will say this is making a rod for your own back...I happen to think it's valuable bonding time. Just make sure your OP doesn't expect to come back to a spotless house, if you're looking after the baby 24/7 the least he can do is maintain the house to the standard he would like to see.

Armorica

The reality is the one staying at home bears the brunt of the sleep deprivation and attempts to catch up at the weekend.

It can depend on the other half's job as well - there are some jobs where not getting enough sleep can just be dangerous for the public.