Sharing childcare while one partner works outside the home

valk_scot

I used to go for a sleep in the evening and let OH do the bath bit, then he'd bring the baby through for a last feed and we'd go to sleep then. I co-slept with the baby, OH slept in the spare room so he didn't get woken up. I found we all got more sleep that way. I breastfed though so he couldn't do night time feeds anyway....but at least I didn't have to get up to do the feeds!


Three weeks after a C-section though I could barely still stand up from the sofa holding the baby let alone give baths etc. And there's stuff like shopping, picking the baby up from in a cot or pram. You simply have to have more help at this stage, you'll find you're far more physically up to it in another three weeks. So unless you've got other sources of help then your OH won't be able to go cold turkey on any sort of night time help straight away. He's going to have to come in after work and cook, bath baby and at least let you have the chance to sit down for a while and have a shower. You won't be able to drive yet so he'll have to do the supermarket runs too. And hoovering and cleaning, you can't do that till six weeks either. So I would say treat this next month as still in survival mode and both of you will just have to do as much as you need to in order to get through. This may mean you spending the entire day and night on the sofa and he does everything else when he gets home, including making up the next day's bottles and a packed lunch for you! And then he gets his full night of sleep, yes, but he's still doing all the house stuff, you just do the baby and yourself and nothing more. You MUST prioritise yourself next after the baby otherwise you won't heal as fast as you should. No-one should be doing housework 3 weeks after major abdominal surgery, he certainly wouldn't be expecting to if it was him.


After 6 weeks though you'll be fitter and feeling less ill, the baby will be settling a little more and life will start settling down. I promise! You just have to get through this next bit. But also, you do get used to very little sleep and as the stay at home parent this will fall mostly to you. You do get used to it and you do get used to dropping the hoover and getting your head straight down for a nap the minute the baby goes to sleep. Twenty minutes of power nap is often enough to get you through the rest of the day, honestly. You just have to resist the temptation to go and do the dishes. Leave them for him when he comes in.

Crabapple

I guess as I've been breastfeeding the night wakes really hasn't been an issue with me and hubby as I've had to do them (don't mind too much!) but he helps out a lot and always has.

I think if your other half is planning on doing nothing to help with the baby then you need to sort that out now. Recovering from birth, especially by section, you will need the assistance. Plus to be honest, if he's never going to do a nappy change or clean/change clothes etc you will end up resenting it and he will never interact with his child!

I may be reading into your comment that he's expecting you to do 100% of the childcare but it does appear like that.

I take the view that going out to work does mean that sleep is more important for hubby. If I'm nodding off at home I can put baby safe in the playpen and relax a little even if not sleeping. I don't get to sleep when he sleeps anyway as I have a toddler that doesn't nap.

rach_k

What worked for us was OH looking after the baby for a few hours when he got home each night. It was good bonding time for them and I got to have a nap/watch TV in bed/have a long hot bath. I wouldn't expect OH to get up with the baby on week nights if you're not working but if you're bottle feeding, he could do Friday or Saturday night... or once you know LO's routine you might be able to work something out that isn't bad for either of you for the week days e.g. you go to bed at 8pm, OH feeds LO at 11pm and goes to bed, you feed LO at 2am and then 5am. If you did that, you would have an uninterrupted sleep from 8pm-2am plus a few more hours after which is pretty good for a new mum! And OH would still be getting from 11pm till he gets up. Don't be afraid to play around and try things.

meer53

I think you should do the night feeds too. Your OH will be at work, expecting him to do some too is too much. He can always help on the days he isn't working.

The night feeds only last a short time, it won't be long until your baby sleeps through the night. You just need to grit your teeth and go with the flow. Before you know it your baby will be a teenager and you won't be able to get them out of bed.

sulphate

It's easy for me to say now before the baby comes but I start maternity leave this week, with baby due in a couple of weeks, and I've already said to my husband that I want him to get a reasonable night's sleep during the week. He drives a lot for his work and his job requires him to be very much "on the ball". We can't afford for him to get fired/lose work because his performance isn't up to scratch, and the thought of him falling asleep at the wheel doesn't bear thinking about.

We've already agreed that when he comes home in the evenings I can have a break then and at weekends he can help out at night. Although I plan on breastfeeding, and if that works out he won't be able to help out with night feeds anyway, and it seems a bit pointless for him to get up just for nappy changes.

I remember you from the pregnancy thread, Timeflies, and sympathise that it must be really difficult recovering from a c section. I hope things start getting a little easier and you find something that works for you. My mum is planning to come and help out when I need it - things like laundry and cooking etc. Do you have anyone else you can lean on for support like that? Don't be afraid to ask for help if you have someone willing - a lot of people often want to but don't want to be seen as interfering. It takes a village to raise a child etc...

seven-day-weekend

I personally think the SAHP should do the majority of night feeds, because they can catnap in the day whereas the parent out at work cannot.

SandC

I would tend to agree with the others, your husband does need to get more sleep in the night because of work. It is early days and baby may settle down more in the coming weeks so you're not having to get up so often.

My friend's fella works away during the week so she muddles through whilst he's not there and they share the load at the weekends and when he's on leave. You have to just get on with whatever your circumstances dictate.

I would, however, not be too caught up in housework and stuff while you are feeling like you never get a minute, priorities and all that.

Shelldean

With our youngest and eldest I did all night time feeds if it was a 'school night's and.by school night we.mean any night where there is work the next day.
So I'd Sun thru to Thursday inclusive. OH did Fridays and Saturdays as he didn't have to get up the next morning.


This worked for us. I was of the opinion that I could nap/rest when the baby did. Easy enough with eldest not so with youngest as I had three older one by then. As OH had work he needed to be more alert during the working week than I.

We did hit a snag with the middle two who came as a pair!!!! In the beginning they wouldn't coordinate their feeds so some nights I was up ALL night, feeding first one then the other. Both slow feeders due to being prem.
So until they settled into the routine I wanted OH and I took a twin each during the night.
However once they'd settled and their feeds coordinated I took over all feeds same as the youngest and eldest.


It feel overwhelming now as its all new but once you've established a routine it will be easier and baby will nap during the day and even if you don't sleep at the same time you can at least rest.

Spendless

You can put baby down to have a nap and you have a sleep. You don't have to wait till baby has their eyes closed. They will either nod off or not, baby is a newborn, you don't have to worry about them climbing out of their cot just yet. I'd make sure the phone/doorbell is off though. I lost count of the amount of times someone rang me!

Let husband spend some time with baby once he's home. Go to bed early if you are finding it too hard to stay awake and tend to baby during the night. Come to some agreement that husband will tend to baby until x time and you will do from then on.

I had 2 sections, I asked husband to make sure all the items I needed during the course of the day were put so they were at waist height to me, so I didn't need to keep bending over. Took a couple of hours to sort one weekend.

rp2007

Hi
I have 2 boys aged 4 and 5 and a baby on the way.
my partner works nights 4 or 5 nights a week and does 12 hours shifts then sleeps through the day so I deal with schools and housework etc on my own but when he is off work we agreed years ago that things should be done 50/50 (although he sometimes doesn't always stick to this).
I am due in june and plan to breastfeed so will be doing the night feeds and would rather deal with the nights on my own as I would rather get my baby into a good bedtime/night routine without my partner possibly messing it up. But as I will be doing this 7 nights a week i have mentioned it would be good if whilst he is off work he does more through the day to help like more nappy changes etc.


p.s. when my first baby was about 6 months old my partner agreed to doing everything with the baby for a whole day with no help from me, so from 7am to the last bottle feed at 10.30pm. I think this helped for him to understand just how much has to be done!