how do you know when the time is right to ask the question?

mustang121

How do you know when the time is right to propose?


I've been living with my girlfriend in a shared mortgage house for 3 years and been together for five years. we are both 28 and would like children by time we are 30 and after we are married.


We both definitely love each other (good start) and its almost like we are married.


Is a five year relationship too short to consider getting married? Anyone know the average time that people are together before proposing?


Although after seeing all the threads on this forum about divorce, it's starting to scare me. I don't want to end up like that.

Mojisola

The average time is irrelevant.

The right time for you is when you're ready.

BitterAndTwisted

People don't generally get divorced because they didn't spend "long enough" courting or living together beforehand. The time is right when you both know that you want to spend the rest of your lives together. Through thick and thin. For better or worse.

For every unhappy person going through the hell of separation and divorce there are hundreds of thousands who are content with their spouse and their lot in life. Contented people have little incentive to crow about it from the rooftops, or post on forums about how fortunate they feel themselves to be.

If you think the time is right to propose, it probably is.

fizz

You are really posting this question on a public forum? Why don't you set up a vote!
If you were ready, you wouldn't be asking and if I were her and read your post....you would be gone!

fizz.x

Mojisola

We'd known each other for a couple of months when we decided we were right for each other and that was 30+ years ago.

If you're still not sure after five years, should you be moving on?

How would you feel if one of you broke up the relationship?

marisco_2

mustang121 wrote: »

How do you know when the time is right to propose?

When you feel that there is total trust between you, know one another inside out and feel accepted for being just as you are, see each other as best friends who are a strong team with shared goals and values, as well as being independent enough to have your own dreams too and can envisage happily spending the rest of your lives together.

sulphate

As you probably know, it's not just about love - it's about compatibility too. You mention you would both like marriage and children, which is a good start. What about your other life goals and values, are they compatible? Do you like doing the same things together? Are you on the same page regarding money and finances? You don't have to answer these questions here, but have a think about that kind of thing already if you haven't done so before. If you Google "relationship compatibility" you will have a good idea about what I'm talking about. Such as: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/08/6-absolute-must-haves-for-relationship-compatibility/

Also consider what might happen in your relationship if you hit a rough patch in the waters. Things might be going great now but marriages are often tested by things like redundancy and money problems, children, health issues etc. A marriage won't last through trying times if the two people in it are not committed to trying to work through it.

This article is nice too.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/seth-adam-smith/marriage-isnt-for-you_b_4209837.html

Have you talked much about getting married other than what you said? I knew that my husband was going to propose sometime when he did, but other women have no idea and haven't talked about it all. Neither is the right or wrong way of doing it.

Once/if you have decided you would like to propose, don't keep putting it off trying to find the "special time" etc and getting worked up about it to the point of never doing it. Propose when you like. It might be her birthday, a special occasion, a nice holiday, or perhaps you feel the right time is on a Friday night with a takeaway.

I don't know what the average time is for a couple to be together before getting married but I suspect 5 years is slightly longer than average. I believe a lot of people overthink the importance of being together a long time prior to committing to marriage. I'm not saying people should get married within a week of dating but I know a couple who married after 5-6 years of being together and separated 6 months later, others who were together a short amount of time and are still together 20 years on. My husband and I got engaged after around 2.5 years. I'd actually had a relationship before that had lasted longer but we never got to that stage, each relationship is different. Some people thought it was too short of a time, but we did what was right for us. :beer:

mustang121

Thanks for the replies.


I don't know why I posted. It just feels strange that something positive is happening to me. Positive and happy things should happen to other people not me.


I guess I posted because I try to be, sensible, planned and logical. We both are really in regards that we believe in marriage before children, don't believe in debt (other than a mortgage which was as small as we possibly get).


We've already discussed the future and savings for a wedding.


I've already bought the ring, not exactly the most expensive or cheapest, but she would kill me if spent a fortune on a ring.


It does feel like we are already married by living together and we do make a great team.

mustang121

Mojisola wrote: »

How would you feel if one of you broke up the relationship?

I would be devastated. We trust one another completely and still have loads of great fun.....both socially and privately .

Buzzybee90

mustang121 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.


I don't know why I posted. It just feels strange that something positive is happening to me. Positive and happy things should happen to other people not me.


I guess I posted because I try to be, sensible, planned and logical. We both are really in regards that we believe in marriage before children, don't believe in debt (other than a mortgage which was as small as we possibly get).


We've already discussed the future and savings for a wedding.


I've already bought the ring, not exactly the most expensive or cheapest, but she would kill me if spent a fortune on a ring.


It does feel like we are already married by living together and we do make a great team.

Sounds perfect to me, please ignore the people who say 'you should know after 5 years' ... Good luck x

mustang121

marisco wrote: »

When you feel that there is total trust between you, know one another inside out and feel accepted for being just as you are, see each other as best friends who are a strong team with shared goals and values, as well as being independent enough to have your own dreams too and can envisage happily spending the rest of your lives together.

This certainly does sound like us. We both know everything about one another, we both shame the same values in life and goals. We both love trying new experiences and visiting new places.


We are both careful with money.


Most important of all, the bedroom flame is still a roaring inferno.


My only nagging wish is that I wish she was slightly more active. Although that said, we are planning on cycling and camping with friends more this new year.