Elderly mother is causing a lot of trouble for us. WWYD?

Better_Days

Thanks for the update, glad to hear the visit today was non confrontational.

As has been suggested above, perhaps the best tack to take is to simply leave when your mother's behaviour is toxic. I think your OH has done the right thing by removing himself from the situation, there is a limit beyond which things become intolerable, whatever the familial relationship and emotional blackmail going on. If you prepare in your mind what you will do and say next time she kicks off it will be easier to stay calm and cope as you have planned.

It can be difficult for those who have not experienced the manipulative behaviour and patterns of behaviour established over years to understand how emeshed in it all family members can feel, experiencing both enormous resentment and anger at the same time as obligation. Setting bounderies by stating clearly that you will leave if the unpleasant behaviour continues may well help, although you do have to be prepared to follow through.

BTW you have my sympathy with the labyrinthitis, a friend of mine had it a few years ago and it had a significant effect on her functioning. Things did slowly resolve for her, but she still has some residual low level symptoms.

melanzana

Better_Days wrote: »

Thanks for the update, glad to hear the visit today was non confrontational.

As has been suggested above, perhaps the best tack to take is to simply leave when your mother's behaviour is toxic. I think your OH has done the right thing by removing himself from the situation, there is a limit beyond which things become intolerable, whatever the familial relationship and emotional blackmail going on. If you prepare in your mind what you will do and say next time she kicks off it will be easier to stay calm and cope as you have planned.

It can be difficult for those who have not experienced the manipulative behaviour and patterns of behaviour established over years to understand how emeshed in it all family members can feel, experiencing both enormous resentment and anger at the same time as obligation. Setting bounderies by stating clearly that you will leave if the unpleasant behaviour continues may well help, although you do have to be prepared to follow through.

BTW you have my sympathy with the labyrinthitis, a friend of mine had it a few years ago and it had a significant effect on her functioning. Things did slowly resolve for her, but she still has some residual low level symptoms.

I appreciate your comments, and those of all who have taken the time to respond.

I sometimes feel I am a child again the way I can be berated.

Although today was a positive one, I am very wary. This has happened before, and the avalanche happened a few weeks later, back to the future so to speak.

My mother knows the buttons to press, I'm convinced!

Anyway, re the labyrinthitis, yes it is awful. I feel drunk all the time, and I can stagger a bit. Very disconcerting. But it is not as bad now as four weeks ago. Still need to be very careful going up and down stairs, and looking up and down, and left and right, hence the driving curtailment for the moment.

Thanks.

Filey

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I'm sorry, OP, but if, just for a minute, you imagine your DH and one of your children being dead, do you think that 'life goes on' would feel appropriate at any point of the rest of your life? Maybe even after another Christmas where you can't get them a present?

She's not dealing with it because it's awful beyond most people's imagination. She needs telling it's not fair it happened, but it's not fair to everybody else to carry on as it is.

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Jojo I can see where you are coming from but in my view no matter what has happened a person is not entitled to make other people's lives a misery by being rude and unpleasant. Life DOES go on even when a loved one is not here to see it. All of us have to cope with the deaths of loved ones at some point, some more than others. Life is not meant to be 'fair', it just IS.

margaretclare

Filey wrote: »

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Jojo I can see where you are coming from but in my view no matter what has happened a person is not entitled to make other people's lives a misery by being rude and unpleasant. Life DOES go on even when a loved one is not here to see it. All of us have to cope with the deaths of loved ones at some point, some more than others. Life is not meant to be 'fair', it just IS.

I couldn't agree more.

Life is not bl**dy well fair.

Some people here may remember that there have been things in my own life which have caused me intense grief. DH's birthday, and my eldest GD's birthday, always coincide with the anniversary of my younger daughter's death.

At the weekend, we met 2 little people, 3 week old twins, children of a long-standing friend and former colleague of DH. DH has just had his 80th birthday, his friend is 74 and has these new babies. Since DH and I got together, the long-term effects of Type II diabetes mean that we can't even.....no need to spell it out. Plus, very hurtful things that have happened in my own family, I won't go into.

Life is just not damned fair. Nevertheless, there is no excuse for being miserable and causing hurt to others. Me, I dreaded going up there to see those new twins. I knew it would be painful, but I did it for DH's sake. I dealt with it by pinning on a big smile, and we did receive the warmest welcome and appreciation for going.