Elderly mother is causing a lot of trouble for us. WWYD?

melanzana

Hello,

My mother is 82. She has been in care for severe disabilities for ten years now. We as a family took career breaks and time off work to look after her at her home over the years. Then the professionals advised that she needed full time care.

Now she is being taken care of in a lovely spot. Hard to find anything to complain about regarding her care. And we visit at odd times, so I think we know as much as we can. Mum has not complained about it either. She has been there since 2001. She is not suffering from dementia or anything like that, just physical disability.

Anyway, my mother is, I feel becoming toxic now. She has given very bad vibes to my young nephews. She treats me and my siblings with contempt. She really is very difficult to deal with.

And I know all the stuff about manipulative mothers. Believe me.

So, we have cut down our visits to three times a week, from every day. And we have a three week rota, where one of us "kids" take her out somewhere nice on a Sunday.

My mother has spoiled everything now. She rants and raves in front of her lovely grandchildren, she berates her children,( I'm one of them) with contempt.

We lost our youngest sister in 2013 and of course mum lost her baby daughter too. Hard times.

Mum has had bereavement counselling, and other counselling since, which we and the care home arranged for her. Although if I am totally honest, it was us that needed it really.

Seems we are the enemy now. There is no advantage in going to visit, it ends up in tears for us all.

My partner has said that we spoil her too much. I think he is right.

My mother's behaviour is not a new phenomenon either, has been going on for years, even before my lovely sister died, but we are getting older now too, and find it very tiring and we are all fed up.

So while losing her daughter is a huge loss, her behaviour was always in the "me, me, me"spectrum.

We really don't know what to do anymore.


Thanks for reading.

elsien

Stop taking the grandchildren - it's really not fair on them to have to deal with that sort of behaviour.
Has she had mental health assessments? - lots of older people have undiagnosed depression for example.
Then if you and the home are sure that there isn't any underlying cause to her behaviour, tell her that you are happy to visit but expect the same courtesy and respect from her as you give to her. And leave the ball in her court - she may have a disability, but working on the basis she's still a responsible adult, then you also don't have to put up with that sort of behaviour.

Of course all that is easy enough to say when it's not your own mum - how comfortable would you feel either cutting down visits or calling in briefly and leaving as soon as she starts to get abusive? Is it possible to have a "mum we love you, but when you treat us like this we don't like your behaviour and don't want to visit any more" type of conversation?

firesidemaid

didn't want to read & run....also not an expert....but....

if she has always been like that (for most of her life) then she is unlikely to change now - she behaves in a certain way and gets a response etc.

if she is now worse, do you or her carers feel she is depressed or there could be any medical cause for this?

have you discussed it with the home at all? could you ask age concern for advice?

i'm sure someone with experience of this will come along soon.

have you discussed it with your mum even?

nash1977

Has she had any assessments done by healthcare professionals?

People with physical disabilities are at greater risk of mental health problems.

melanzana

Mum is not depressed. She has had all the assessments there. Angry though.

We have had many a meeting with the staff. They are as perplexed as we are.

Frustration is one theory. She cannot be the boss anymore in the care facility, so she is trying to control us from within so to speak.

But hey, she was always like that, but it has escalated in the last 18 months.

Truthfully? since J, my sister died. Which is totally understandable, but she has had as much support as was needed, including ourselves at all times.

TBH I think we suspended our grief to ensure Mum was Ok, but now that we can perhaps howl and miss J, Mum is getting more difficult.

So it's a never ending story.

theoretica

I agree with getting a medical assessment of her mental health - and consult the home, who may well have seen it all before.

Do you feel she enjoys your visits? You clearly don't, and if she doesn't either why go so often?

melanzana

theoretica wrote: »

Do you feel she enjoys your visits? You clearly don't, and if she doesn't either why go so often?

Enjoyment is not something that happens very often. Although on occasion we have had some fun. Generally it is a big battle.

She always had a great rapport with my partner over the years, but that has turned to spite now. Which is not nice for either of us. But we are big and bold, and can understand the frustration she might feel.

It is just so wearing and tiring, and really upsetting at times for me.

And I feel so much for my brother's kids, her grandchildren, who are subjected to this toxicity. That is not good for them either.

nash1977

Has personality disorder been ruled out? Has she been seen by a psychiatrist?

I mention a psychiatrist as they can prescribe medication such as mood stabilisers. I'm not sure if GPs are willing to prescribe these types of medication, without having seen a psychiatrist first.

Bella73

If as you say there is no medical problem mentally, personally I would just tell her straight that if she can't be pleasant you will spend your free time elsewhere, end of.

Yes people will hold up their hands and say how ever can you it's your Mother....my question is...so what? Doesn't mean she can be a total cow all the time and get her own way, life isn't like that. Would you regularly visit a friend who treated you like that, probably not.

Just because someone is getting older is not an excuse for them to be vile. If you let her get away with it she will continue to behave like it.

Every time she starts, just pick up your things and leave, and tell her is she can't be pleasant you most certainly aren't taking her out on Sundays, if she wants to behave like a small child, then treat her like one, would you take a naughty toddler out for treats because I wouldn't.

Sadly I totally understand about manipulative parents and choose to no longer see mine....result being that I am now happy.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Could it be that she's angry because she still hasn't adjusted to losing your sister? It's not nice, but it's perfectly possible that, without meaning to, she is in a bad mood because you're there and she isn't?

If she's still fully compos mentis, there's no reason why you can't say to her that it isn't fair and it hurts that she's gone, but you can't tolerate her being angry with you for being there.

jackyann

My advice (also not expert)

Having done your best by having mental health assessments there is now nothing to do other than observe and refer again (as things do change)

Stop taking the children - be as honest as you can depending on their age & understanding, but tell them this is unfair on them, the grown-ups are upset but will handle it.

Be sad, mourn, cry,whatever you need to do, but for the sake of the wider family & children, work out a rota that you can cope with.