Elderly mother is causing a lot of trouble for us. WWYD?

cte1111

Is your Mum religious? When my Aunt died, my Gran was helped a lot by talking to her vicar and other friends from the church. Her friend who was a church warden was the one who broke the news to her and they held a small service at my Gran's care home when we were having the funeral. We lived 300 miles away from my Gran so it was a different situation.

My Gran was also very difficult at times. My Mum found her more difficult to deal with than my sister and I, perhaps because we didn't have such a long history with her. My Mum kept her visits short (she'd go down to stay for a few days and visit for a short time each day) and in the end, she couldn't cope at all, so we went instead.

I don't think there is any easy answer but as your Mum seems to be compos mentis, try to be direct with her in a non-confrontational way and ask her if she thinks she might feel happier if some changes were made, perhaps anti-depressants, or re-starting an old hobby or counselling. Explain the impact on your family of her behaviour but reassure her that you do still want to see her.

Gigglepig

melanzana wrote: »

When you mention counselling together, do you mean having her children along aswell?

Yes. Not grief counselling as such but relationship counselling. Gives you and your siblings a chance to express your concerns with her behaviour with a neutral facilitator present, which means she is more likely to listen?

hardpressed

When we had an elderly relative who was being very difficult with her immediate family, but nice as pie to everyone else, her doctor told us this often happens. They know that their nearest and dearest will let them get away with it whereas other people won't.

System

Take comfort in knowing she is being looked after properly. Stop including her in family gatherings/meetings, definitely don't inflict her poisonous nature on her Grandchildren and limit your visits.

She's got too much negative influence in your lives.

Newly_retired

Sorry to read of your problems with your mother.
My mother went into a home latterly and as we all lived at a distance she rarely had visitors. Certainly not every day, and maybe not even once a week. It was just not possible. I went about every three weeks.
Your mother is well looked after in the Home and will not suffer if you visit less often. I think everyone will benefit.
Allow yourselves to grieve for your sister.
I cannot think why you should have to put up with abuse and certainly not allow your mother to upset your children.
Why must you visit so often? Especially if every visit is so unpleasant?

The_Druid

She's grieving for her dead child, she's grieving for her lost home, she's grieving for the healthy young woman she used to be, she's grieving for the things she can no longer manage to do, she's grieving for the lost hope of a brighter future.

She's stuck in a body which doesn't work properly, in a place where she doesn't want to be, unable to do the things she enjoys, with nothing to look forward to except extreme old age and death.

No wonder she is angry, upset, frustrated, and desperately trying to hang on to control of some - any! - aspects of her life.

Of course it's completely inappropriate that she should be expressing her anger and pain by taking it out on you, your partner, your children, and your siblings. You shouldn't have to suffer this. You must do whatever you have to, in order to protect yourself (and especially your children).

But she needs help to vent her anguish and distress in a more appropriate way, and to come to terms with her situation. Perhaps her GP or psychiatrist could suggest something like an anger management course, or counselling sessions?

Then she may be able to enjoy her remaining years, including the joy of visits from her children and grandchildren, making new friends among fellow residents, reliving happy memories. And you'll all benefit.

Mojisola

The_Druid wrote: »

She's grieving for her dead child, she's grieving for her lost home, she's grieving for the healthy young woman she used to be, she's grieving for the things she can no longer manage to do, she's grieving for the lost hope of a brighter future.

She's stuck in a body which doesn't work properly, in a place where she doesn't want to be, unable to do the things she enjoys, with nothing to look forward to except extreme old age and death.

No wonder she is angry, upset, frustrated, and desperately trying to hang on to control of some - any! - aspects of her life.

And she's also having to come to terms with not getting her own way for the first time in her life.

melanzana wrote: »

If I am to be honest about her, I believe she was spoilt all her life, and got everything she wanted on her terms. She was the youngest, an only girl, her father adored her, and my late Dad gave in to her on everything.

But now she is not being spoilt anymore. Well looked after, yes, but she has to observe the rules and rhythms of a community now.

It's something most people learn when they are toddlers - and have the normal tantrums while they learn that they can't always have their own way.

On top of all the other adjustments people have to make as they get older and less independent, your mother is having tantrums and taking it out on her family.

z.n

OP it sounds like you are taking the steps I would in your position. I am not sure you can 'retrain' an old brain out of established patterns of behaviour- so trying to teach an oldie like you would a younger child through consequence type discipline seems destined to failure or at best very limited success. So IMO limiting your own exposure is the only solution. I have friends in a similar situation and they have simply had to restrict visits/outings to a level that was bearable.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'm sorry, OP, but if, just for a minute, you imagine your DH and one of your children being dead, do you think that 'life goes on' would feel appropriate at any point of the rest of your life? Maybe even after another Christmas where you can't get them a present?

She's not dealing with it because it's awful beyond most people's imagination. She needs telling it's not fair it happened, but it's not fair to everybody else to carry on as it is.

melanzana

Thanks again to all who have given an opinion on my situation. And of course that of my siblings and the grandchildren too.

To update...today I went to visit mum. Bear in mind that on the siblings "rota" today was my and OH's day to take her out, the Sunday outing.

But since OH put his foot down and said "No, MIL needs a bit of a wake up call due to her behaviour towards me, so I won't be going with you today" I went alone. (he dropped me and picked me up)

I think OH did me a big favour TBH. I am not driving due to vertigo, so, I couldn't indulge her by going here there and everywhere. And bear in mind the logistics of that with an incapacitated person who uses a wheelchair.

The wheelchair is not the problem, it is the fact that I am late 50s, and OH ten years older. It ain't easy hauling and humping a mother and a wheelchair, both in and out of a car. But we do it, and I digress,

So mum was more worried about where OH was. I said he is having a break from you because of all the things you said and did to him lately.

No response. But no rancour either. I couldn't believe it. I thought she would eat me for dinner. No. Quiet as a mouse.

We went for a walk in the beautiful grounds that sweep down to a river, with lots of wildlife and such. Haven't done that much before, it was always out somewhere else and all the hassle that involves, although we were happy to do it, to give her a change of scenery.

This kind of hiatus has happened before. It's as if she is giving me a break, or a false sense of security before the next onslaught. We shall see.

All this roller coaster stuff is very hard to deal with.

Passive Agressive maybe. Wrecks my head.

But I survived today.

Thank you again.