Elderly mother is causing a lot of trouble for us. WWYD?

Broadwood

Bella73 wrote: »

If as you say there is no medical problem mentally, personally I would just tell her straight that if she can't be pleasant you will spend your free time elsewhere, end of.

Yes people will hold up their hands and say how ever can you it's your Mother....my question is...so what? Doesn't mean she can be a total cow all the time and get her own way, life isn't like that. Would you regularly visit a friend who treated you like that, probably not.

Just because someone is getting older is not an excuse for them to be vile. If you let her get away with it she will continue to behave like it.

Every time she starts, just pick up your things and leave, and tell her is she can't be pleasant you most certainly aren't taking her out on Sundays, if she wants to behave like a small child, then treat her like one, would you take a naughty toddler out for treats because I wouldn't.

Sadly I totally understand about manipulative parents and choose to no longer see mine....result being that I am now happy.

I agree with all of the above from personal experiences since the age of ten when my mother's mother came to live with us. Friends you choose, relatives you don't. However it's not mandatory to continue to have contact with either if they are deliberately nasty to you with no good reason. Respect is earned. Life is too short for silly power games.

2gorgeousgirls

If you have ruled out any medical reason for her behaviour, then I think it is time to speak with her.

I would tell her you love her but that visits to her result in both you and her grandchildren leaving upset due to her behaviour.

I don't think it is fair to subject children to this just because its granny. I would stop taking them and explain to her that while she continues as she does, they will not be visiting.

I think you and your siblings should continue to visit but explain that if she starts to be nasty you will cut the visit short. You need to keep contact to give her the opportunity to realise how she has been and to change.

You know what they say about reverting to childhood behaviour when elderly so treat her as you would a child when she is misbehaving. I know, in the past, I have taken my children out for the day and when they misbehaved I packed them back in the car and headed home. They soon learnt if they want a nice day out they have to behave.


If that fails then I would be scaling my visits back to the bare minimum and keeping them very short.

My mother lives 70 miles away from me and I now only visit 3-4 times a year and only for a few hours at a time. However, she has been to mine for Christmas for 12 out of the last 14 years and, as the years have gone on, it has become a grin and bear it scenario. However, this year was horrendous and resulted in me phoning my SIL and telling her that she is not coming to mine anymore and that she and my sister will have to fight it out as to where she will spend next Christmas. I have to say on one level this makes me very sad but on another, I know that at least my children will have a good Christmas next year without having to tread on eggshells round granny for 3 days.

Marisco

Bella73 wrote: »

If as you say there is no medical problem mentally, personally I would just tell her straight that if she can't be pleasant you will spend your free time elsewhere, end of.

Yes people will hold up their hands and say how ever can you it's your Mother....my question is...so what? Doesn't mean she can be a total cow all the time and get her own way, life isn't like that. Would you regularly visit a friend who treated you like that, probably not.

Just because someone is getting older is not an excuse for them to be vile. If you let her get away with it she will continue to behave like it.

Every time she starts, just pick up your things and leave, and tell her is she can't be pleasant you most certainly aren't taking her out on Sundays, if she wants to behave like a small child, then treat her like one, would you take a naughty toddler out for treats because I wouldn't.

Sadly I totally understand about manipulative parents and choose to no longer see mine....result being that I am now happy.

This ^^^^^! My kids would tell me, and I would expect nothing less! I'm a firm believer in "straight talking" and won't tiptoe around at all, if it needs saying I'll say it. Far too many people flaff around afraid to say anything, especially to relatives, all this does is cause stress and "silent" resentment. People only become "victims" if they allow themselves to be.

I've never believed that people get "nasty" as they get older, I think they've always been like that, just because people get old, their personalities don't change (dementia and mental problems excluded of course) A nasty young person will be a nasty old person.

To the op, tell her that if she doesn't buck up her ideas, then you'll not be visiting again, and stick firm and don't fall for "emotional blackmail". When she realises you mean business, she might think on and change her ways. I suppose it all depends on how much you're willing to put up with, if you're willing to carry on being a "whipping boy", then crack on. If not, then she needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you are not prepared to put up with it any more.

Enterprise_1701C

I think if you cut down the visits then they might be better appreciated all round.

I know it is VERY different and almost incomparable, but before I got married I HAD to speak to my grandmother every Sunday at 3 o'clock. We had nothing to say and I absolutely hated the phone calls, but I had to be there at 3 to speak to her, father's orders. After I got married I CHOSE to speak to her once a month, we actually had something to say to each other and I enjoyed the phone calls which continued until she passed.

Try putting yourself first for a while, go once a week or even once a month, you might actually have something to chat about then. And please keep any children out of the equation, they do not know what is going on, all they know is they have to go and see this grumpy old woman and they probably hate it.

And one last thing, do what is right for you, you need to have good memories rather than the bad ones you seem to be acquiring now.

FBaby

If you cut down the visits, please tell her you are going to do and tell her why. She then has a choice to reflect on how behaviour and the impact of it on anyone. Otherwise, it will just fuel her anger even more and make the fewer visits even more unbearable.

I understand she had an assessment about depression, but to me, anger and depression can be very closely related. It sounds like she is angry with how her life has evolved and maybe even jealous/envious of yours. Maybe as her children get to the age of where she was when she became disabled, it triggers her resentment. All this could very well lead to some form of depression, just expressed differently. She might have had plenty of counselling, but that doesn't mean it has worked and she isn't grieving any longer. She sounds like she was always a headstrung person anyway, so it is not surprising she is difficult to deal with now. Good luck, it must be really hard to go there knowing you are going to get treated poorly once again.

pollypenny

Sympathy, OP.

I would cut down the visits. If she asks why, tell her that she has given you the impression that she doesn't enjoy them, anyway.

How does she behave with staff and other residents? It's often that those who do most get the most flack.

Mojisola

melanzana wrote: »

Now she is being taken care of in a lovely spot. Hard to find anything to complain about regarding her care.

Anyway, my mother is, I feel becoming toxic now. She has given very bad vibes to my young nephews. She treats me and my siblings with contempt. She really is very difficult to deal with.

So, we have cut down our visits to three times a week, from every day. And we have a three week rota, where one of us "kids" take her out somewhere nice on a Sunday.

My mother has spoiled everything now. She rants and raves in front of her lovely grandchildren, she berates her children,( I'm one of them) with contempt.

My mother's behaviour is not a new phenomenon either, has been going on for years, even before my lovely sister died, but we are getting older now too, and find it very tiring and we are all fed up.

So while losing her daughter is a huge loss, her behaviour was always in the "me, me, me"spectrum.

As she's in a good home, have you spoken to the staff about her and found out how she is after you leave and what she says about the family?

If your visits get your mother into a state, they might be very pleased if you reduce them further.

melanzana

Thank you all very much for your thoughts and advice.

Sometimes people in my type of situation just need input from those who are not emotionally or professionally involved. An impartial take on things I suppose.

With the festivities now over, and things coming back to normal again, I think I will have her psychiatrically assessed again soon. The last assessment was in June of last year, and they said she was fine on all the parameters they use. She has had a psychologist who specialises in grief counselling for numerous sessions. I don't know if they worked, but I'm sure they helped.

If I am to be honest about her, I believe she was spoilt all her life, and got everything she wanted on her terms. She was the youngest, an only girl, her father adored her, and my late Dad gave in to her on everything.

But now she is not being spoilt anymore. Well looked after, yes, but she has to observe the rules and rhythms of a community now.

She constantly rages and roars that she wants to go home. That is not a possibility anymore. We have kept the family home and rented it out though, so she knows it is still hers, and it is still there. Maybe we should have flippin sold it!, but it seemed like the best solution at the time.

My OH has said he will not accompany me tomorrow to take her out on the "rota" Sunday. She has behaved abominably towards him lately. This is causing a little friction between us, but I totally see his point.

It should be interesting, because I am unable to drive at the moment due to labyrinthitis (severe vertigo), So there will be no going out. Just a visit.

I am dreading it, but looking forward to taking control again at the same time. We cannot go out, so we are not going out, I can already hear her having a major hissy fit because she will not get what she wants.

Anyway, my brother has said he is not visiting her with his kids for the moment, until she behaves in their presence. My sister is cutting down her visits to once a week, and I shall do the same.

We will see how things go.

BTW @Mojisola, she has caused havoc now and then, at mealtimes, that sort of thing, but generally the staff have not made any approaches to us about her behaviour. I think you are right though, I will speak to them specificially about this, and see what they think.

I reckon she is a "street Devil, and house Angel" though, butter wouldn't melt in the presence of those she wants to impress.

Gosh I sound very bitter don't I?

I love her, but don't like her much at the moment. There doesn't seem to be any added value for anyone in visiting her just now.

Thanks again everyone. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

Gigglepig

Would it be a possibility to have counselling together - if having "a stranger" present is likely to keep her in check? Sounds like she might be finding her current situation quite hard - but instead of asking for support she just rages at the world. Perhaps counselling together may improve communication slightly.

An elderly lady in my family became very self centered in her grief when she lost one of her children, she kept telling other nobody could possibly understand her loss - even thoug everyone else was grieving as well. Maybe you need to be blunt on this one - and explain that just because you have been mainly quiet about it (compared to her) does not mean you are not grieving as well.

melanzana

Gigglepig wrote: »

Would it be a possibility to have counselling together - if having "a stranger" present is likely to keep her in check? Sounds like she might be finding her current situation quite hard - but instead of asking for support she just rages at the world. Perhaps counselling together may improve communication slightly.

An elderly lady in my family became very self centered in her grief when she lost one of her children, she kept telling other nobody could possibly understand her loss - even thoug everyone else was grieving as well. Maybe you need to be blunt on this one - and explain that just because you have been mainly quiet about it (compared to her) does not mean you are not grieving as well.

Oh believe me, we have had to hold our grief in check quite a bit because of her issues. I do understand that she is devastated, and can there be anything worse than losing your child?

At the same time, life does go on, and we all have wonderful memories of J may she rest in peace.

I am crying a lot now, which is good, lets the pressure out. Maybe that is why I am now able to look dispassionately at Mum's behaviour, and realise that it is not good for me or her, or indeed my siblings. It's not easy. Sorry to sound so precious!

When you mention counselling together, do you mean having her children along aswell?