OH slagging me of in texts

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's inappropriate to talk about your partner's sex drive/prowess with others. It's disrespectful and I would say one of the greatest betrayals outside of an affair - I suspect that, were the partner to read texts saying how small, impotent or incompetent he was, he'd feel humiliated, betrayed and furious.


If this is symptomatic of a general lack of respect, I'd agree that perhaps this is an irretrievable breakdown - if love has been replaced by contempt, I don't see any way back from that.

The OP doesn't have to say she's read the texts. You don't have to justify not trusting or loving somebody anymore - and it would be easy to focus on the reading of the texts to divert away from the greater hurt caused by being so disrespectful of a partner as to say nasty things about the most private aspects of a relationship.

Tropez

Pollycat wrote: »

I agree 100%.

That's why I couldn't understand a' new' user trying to hide if they were female or male by using 'their' instead of he or she - because there is no posting history to check (should anyone want to check).

It could be that the OP has reason to believe that their OH uses or is aware of this site or may otherwise come across the post (such as through MSE threads often appearing high on Google search rankings) and wishes to maintain plausible deniability to their OH if confronted. The vague nature of their post coupled with the gender-neutral identifiers may be an attempt to maintain a sense of security.

It wouldn't really matter if their posting history were available or not if the OP provided enough information to make them identifiable to their OH. They have said they don't wish to give out a lot of details so I would assume that they're posting in this manner quite deliberately.

FBaby

It's inappropriate to talk about your partner's sex drive/prowess with others. It's disrespectful and I would say one of the greatest betrayals outside of an affair

Oh my! A close friend of mine told me recently that his wife sex drive had reduced recently and asked me my advice as to whether it could be hormonal. I told him that going on the pill could have something to do with it. Oh dear, hope she doesn't find out, would hate for her to decide to divorce him!

Honestly, like an affair? To me it was no different to asking me advice on a mole he had found on his wife's back and whether he should insist that she goes to the doctor to get it check.

fairy_lights

FBaby wrote: »

Oh my! A close friend of mine told me recently that his wife sex drive had reduced recently and asked me my advice as to whether it could be hormonal. I told him that going on the pill could have something to do with it. Oh dear, hope she doesn't find out, would hate for her to decide to divorce him!

Honestly, like an affair? To me it was no different to asking me advice on a mole he had found on his wife's back and whether he should insist that she goes to the doctor to get it check.

Both of those scenarios would make me uncomfortable, I wouldn't want my oh discussing my medical history with his friends no matter what the issue. If I lost my sex drive and he suspected it might be hormonal that would be between me, him, and my doctor and I wouldn't be at all happy if I found out he was asking other people for advice.
Some couples do confide in friends about things like that but for me its definitely a no go area, I think in any relationship you need to be clear with each other about what can and can't be shared with other people.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

FBaby wrote: »

Oh my! A close friend of mine told me recently that his wife sex drive had reduced recently and asked me my advice as to whether it could be hormonal. I told him that going on the pill could have something to do with it. Oh dear, hope she doesn't find out, would hate for her to decide to divorce him!

Honestly, like an affair? To me it was no different to asking me advice on a mole he had found on his wife's back and whether he should insist that she goes to the doctor to get it check.

Still sounds inappropriate to me, even if it isn't the 'she lies there like a dead fish with a bucket lined with cabbage leaves' type of insult. Do you have medical qualifications? Do you know for certain that it's medical rather than she's gone off it because he's rubbish at it and she's fed up with faking it? You don't. And he should be speaking to her - not you.

marisco_2

GwylimT wrote: »

So, you have never moaned about your partner to anyone apart from your partner?

What the OPs partner is doing goes way beyond turning to friends and having a grumble. You don't risk purposefully hurting someone by slagging them off to others, if you love, value and respect them. Nor do you humiliate them by revealing personal, intimate information.

Everyone is entitled to a private life. Few people could stay happily in a relationship with someone who treats them with such contempt and betrays their trust so blatantly.

Gavin83

FBaby wrote: »

Is it slagging as in calling you names, or is it onloading his feelings to a friend? If it is the first, then I would be concerned. If it is the second, my view is that he is entitled to his privacy in telling his close friends how he is feeling and in any case probably better than keeping it in. Women get together and moan about their partner all the time and that helps them diffuse things. Men can do it too.

TBeckett100 wrote: »

Clearly he has no respect to be doing this. You should end it.

It's already been mentioned but I'm curious anyway, what made you think the partner is male? At no point is gender mentioned.

I happen to think this isn't actually a real topic and was instead created to highlight how gender biased this forum is. Posts such as those above have proven the point quite well.

DUTR

marisco wrote: »

What the OPs partner is doing goes way beyond turning to friends and having a grumble. You don't risk purposefully hurting someone by slagging them off to others, if you love, value and respect them. Nor do you humiliate them by revealing personal, intimate information.

Everyone is entitled to a private life. Few people could stay happily in a relationship with someone who treats them with such contempt and betrays their trust so blatantly.

I hope that extends to the OP snooping on her partner's phone.

j.e.j.

fairy_lights wrote: »

Both of those scenarios would make me uncomfortable, I wouldn't want my oh discussing my medical history with his friends no matter what the issue. If I lost my sex drive and he suspected it might be hormonal that would be between me, him, and my doctor and I wouldn't be at all happy if I found out he was asking other people for advice.
Some couples do confide in friends about things like that but for me its definitely a no go area, I think in any relationship you need to be clear with each other about what can and can't be shared with other people.

It is amazing what some women think is appropriate to discuss with other people :eek:

I remember being at work with 2 colleagues, and one was telling the other some VERY intimate details about her husband and their sex life, including what the doctor had suggested to him. I was sitting there thinking: TMI I don't really want to be listening to this, and I did also wonder if the bloke knew that his wife was discussing this stuff with a friend at work. I think I would have been mortified if it were me!

Soleil_lune

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It's inappropriate to talk about your partner's sex drive/prowess with others. It's disrespectful and I would say one of the greatest betrayals outside of an affair - I suspect that, were the partner to read texts saying how small, impotent or incompetent he was, he'd feel humiliated, betrayed and furious.

FBaby wrote: »

Oh my! A close friend of mine told me recently that his wife sex drive had reduced recently and asked me my advice as to whether it could be hormonal. I told him that going on the pill could have something to do with it. Oh dear, hope she doesn't find out, would hate for her to decide to divorce him!

Honestly, like an affair? To me it was no different to asking me advice on a mole he had found on his wife's back and whether he should insist that she goes to the doctor to get it check.

I have to agree with Jojo. I think it's disgraceful and very inconsiderate behaviour to discuss personal and private matters with someone else about your partner's 'prowess' or performance or the size of his manhood etc.

A colleague of my OH rambles on about her husband not being able to go longer than 5 minutes, and about him not being able to make her pregnant.

Once I heard her say all this, my opinion of her changed, and I thought a lot less of her, and actually dislike her a lot now. She obviously has no respect whatsoever for her husband.

If I discovered my OH was discussing stuff that was very personal about me, the trust and respect would be gone from the relationship.