Dealing with homophobic remarks.

Drunk_Monkey

I was put in a really awkward and upsetting position earlier this week. And I need to think about how to confront something like this in the future ....

I went out on Friday to a work function. Basically, I look after several branches in London on the financial side of things, and I was invited to a Christmas party with some big clients that night. I know most of them anyway so I was invited.

Everything was ok except until I overheard a certain guy making some homophobic remarks about me. Now .. I know that people like to have a laugh at someone else's expense and, I suppose, people joke about gays at the pub etc... But I didn't know how to handle that situation at all. I was so embarrassed. I felt like people were muttering here-and-there. At one point, that guy asked a guy who was next to me if we were a couple. He was just a friend. I pretended not to notice. I spoke to a girl int he middle and she was nice, but otherwise I think I was being ignored. And then that guy actually slapped my !!!! !!!! later that night in a semi-drunk way??? I don't think people noticed? but maybe they did? I was so shocked that I made an excuse and then just went home, and straight to bed . I'm still a bit confounded by it all.

I am not excessively camp or anythign like that. I'm 24 years old, and althoguh, personally, I think I look perfectly normal ... people seem to intuit that I'm gay.

But I don't know what to do here. I feel like never going again to these functions. I don't want to cost the company a client or two. And I don't want to appear self-pitying. I also don't want people to judge me before they know me. I know it's probably silly to care what people think about me, but I feel like it does matter. I want people to respect me. I don't want to be laughed at.

how do handle such a situation.

thanks.

Edwardia

First off, whatever anyone else says, being gay isn't illegal or wrong or in any way less. You weren't in the wrong, he was.

No-one needs to know about your sexuality if you don't want to tell them, but being in the closet can be more uncomfortable. It's your choice and you don't have to try to pass as straight. If you are yourself, you'll be able to concentrate on your work more. If other people have a problem with you being gay, it's their problem, not yours.

Maybe the guy had had a boozy lunch or done some pre-loading before the event, and had lost some inhibitions and wouldn't normally behave in such a nasty manner. But even so, it's never OK to slap someone else's butt without their permission, that's actually assault and certainly if a man did that to a woman in a work context he would likely be dealing with HR and defending himself against sexual harassment pretty damn quick.

Does the company you work for have a LGBT group ? If so, I'd suggest contacting them, even if you're not out at work, because hopefully they can give you advice and handle it in a discreet manner.

If there isn't an LGBT group at work, I'd suggest calling Stonewall's Information Service for advice Mon-Fri 0930-1730 on 08000 50 20 20 - they are very friendly and there is a Workplace team and resources which can tell you about your rights.

There's no reason why you should be disrespected and be made to feel awkward, embarrassed and upset for being gay. I'd suggest that talking to people with lots of experience of dealing with workplace issues would be the way forward.

Hope that helps x

PS if anyone gives you any homophobia on MSE report it straight away.

bagpussbear

I think you should make a complaint to HR. What this guy did is a sackable offence now.

Slapping you on the bum is sexual harrassment and I believe it could be assault too. Homophobic comments added on too, well this guy sounds like a darling doesn't he :-(

Take no pity on him, raise a complaint in writing with your line manager and HR when you get to work today. State all the facts clearly, how insulted/offended you feel and that you wish action taken.

Hope they kick him out before the end of the week. No-one should have to put up with that rubbish, male or female.

Delree

If this is a company that is worth its salt then they'll back you in a complaint even if it's against a client.the advice above is spot on. Stonewall have been around years dealing with these situations and they're there for you. Good luck mate don't let them get away with bullying.

duchy

Was this guy a client or an employee ?

Either way he made an idiot of himself although how did he know you are gay ?

heartbreak_star

I can't really add to the excellent advice you've been given already, just wanted to say I'm sorry you had to go through that

I had my butt slapped once at an in-house party. We both got a stern talking-to on the spot...but he had a massive bruise on his cheek where I'd walloped him Can't advise going down that route but hopefully he thought twice about doing it again

HBS x

tea_lover

Drunk_Monkey wrote: »

I am not excessively camp or anythign like that. I'm 24 years old, and althoguh, personally, I think I look perfectly normal ... people seem to intuit that I'm gay.

This part really stood out to me. Of course you're normal (whatever that is!) This guy was totally in the wrong - insulting and physically assaulting people isn't normal, being gay is.

Please make a complaint about him, that would quickly wipe the stupid smirk off his face. I think (hope) you'd be pleasantly surprised by the support you'd get.

Buzzybee90

What's the actual issue? He slapped you on the bum in a drunk way?

Sounds like the sort of jokey action you'd see between friends at the pub but hard to judge without tone etc.

tea_lover

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

What's the actual issue? He slapped you on the bum in a drunk way?

Sounds like the sort of jokey action you'd see between friends at the pub but hard to judge without tone etc.

Drunk_Monkey wrote: »

Everything was ok except until I overheard a certain guy making some homophobic remarks about me.

Drunk_Monkey wrote: »

And then that guy actually slapped my !!!! !!!! later that night in a semi-drunk way??? I don't think people noticed? but maybe they did? I was so shocked that I made an excuse and then just went home, and straight to bed . I'm still a bit confounded by it all.

Homophobic comments and physical assault should never be excused as 'jokey action'.

justjohn

Could I just say if I new you were gay I would be unlikely to interact with you in the same manner as I would with others.


Not because I am homophobic, because my interaction could be seen as homophobic.


As someone has said slapping/tapping someone's backside can now been seen as assault. Even though it could be meant in an entirely different way.


If the clients actions were nasty / vindictive then that's a different kettle of fish.(btw don't let others ruin a night out, continue going to them)

Buzzybee90

tea_lover wrote: »

Homophobic comments and physical assault should never be excused as 'jokey action'.

But it he didn't know he was gay...? What were the homophobic comments?