Dealing with homophobic remarks.

Edwardia

@stonewalluk twitter chat #InfoLineLive 1830-1930 tonight, if you want to tweet about your situation.

HPoirot

Drunk_Monkey wrote: »

Well thanks for the comments everyone.

No. The client knows the company very well. And the guy who was next to me was a sale rep known to the client very well. The guy has a girlfriend which everyone knows. I think he was trying to put me on the spot, and make me feel embarrassed or awkward. I think my colleague felt awkward because we get along quite well the rest of the time. I think he slapped my rear-end towards the end of the night just to embarrass me further. I can't really complain about him. He doesn't work for the company, and he is a client. I had a feeling that other people were sort of talking about me. One of the women at the party came up to me and asked me if I was gay. I said yes. I'm not going to lie, and I don't feel like I should have to. But I had that feeling most of the night. People would chat ok, but I would catch a look or something ...

I don't know why I'm posting this here tbh. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. And I would feel embarrassed mentioning this to anyone in real life ... I don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive? I also don't want to complain. I want to "handle" the situation ... ? Just don't know how.

And as I said, I'm not overtly camp man. So I might say "well, look how camp he is ..." I think I just want to be able to laugh, drink and chat without being talked about in-a-less-than-positive way ...

Barh. I think I'll decline the next invite.

bargainbetty wrote: »

Under present law, your boss has a duty of care to protect you from homophobic bullying from people you are brought into contact with as a result of your work. Speak to your HR department and find out if a quiet word can be had with the HR team at the client firm, as they might well be mortified to find out that a member of their team is behaving in such an offensive manner in public.

The lack of other communication might be down to any number of reasons, but there is absolutely no reason to tolerate that kind of behaviour.

If I were you I would definitely have a word with HR at your employers'. Whether and how they will follow it up will depend on how important the client is and how senior the guy is in that client. But as has been said, your employers need to know about situations where you have been exposed to this sort of behaviour.

gwynlas

There were a number of ways you might have handled the situation on the night in question but if you didn't feel assertive enough perhaps you need to work on this. Banter and put downs have been used by comics to hecklers for years as well as acid remarks directed towards others actions. You might have replied 'what are you checking if I'm available, well not to you whilst there are dogs on the street"As a 24 year old you have probably been used to a lot of gay acceptance whereas those of us older guys will have had a lot of this as well as living through the AIDS panic.
You are perfectly within your rights to make a complaint against this client and/or refuse to work with them. The alternative is to ignore such behaviour as he was either just trying to embarrass you(pathetic) or as well might be the case be curious himself. I know from experience that often the difference between gay men and so called straight men is a few drinks. The smacking you on the backside could have been used in the same way as guys used to come on to women by sexual innuendo or assault. If you come across him again try and judge which it is and treat him accordingly. You could ask for an apology telling him his remarks where offensive and behaviour dispicable and the only person that he showed up was himself or ignore it all as being in the past.

j.e.j.

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I had my butt slapped once at an in-house party. We both got a stern talking-to on the spot...but he had a massive bruise on his cheek where I'd walloped him Can't advise going down that route but hopefully he thought twice about doing it again

:rotfl::T

That's funny. Slightly tongue-in-cheek, that always used to be the way women dealt with insistent pests who overstepped the mark. You're probably too young to remember Nurse Gladys, but the actress who played her got some bloke going after her boobs in the pub, and he ended up with a broken nose!

But back to the OP, this guy sounds like one of those a-holes who are annoying enough when they're sober, but when they've had a drink or two they're a PITA. Work functions are full of them, unfortunately. I would do as Edwardia suggested and maybe tweet about it or seek some support and advice from the LGBT community. Don't feel that you were at fault.

lostinrates

Interestingly, with the comments about talk to peers, hr and whether heterosexual colleagues might understand or not, today was the work place day for gay workers and straight supporters of gay rights ( there is a word for this but I've forgotten this ) at my husbands work place and a few others, so not sure if it was an industry or national thing to do it today, Anyway....its exactly expecting and encouraging straight colleagues to be involved, equal and break down divide in these issues. As tea lover points out, there is little difference in many of the issues we face and the methods employed to tackle them, whether its who we sleep with, what colour we are, if we have red or blond hair, who likes to grope us, or whether others feel any of those impede our ability to progress In the work place. Just because bigots might be single issued bigots doesn't make them any less bigoted!

OP I would rewrite your recollection of what happened, using your for at post as an aide memoire and talk to HR about it. You can say you know there is little they can do about a client but that you felt very uncomfortable in the work place. Your colleagues certainly could have supported you better. No need for rudeness. Even just calling you away to attend to something with frozen smiles to the client would have protected you and made clear they were being polite.

My guess is that if you approach it with work 'on your side' in most cases they are more likely to be favourable than a negative approach. However, should they not be, its not a get out of jail free card, and they should be stepping up to the mark to making sure all is equal.


As for political correctness etc, with friends in my circle we might all joke about otherness...race, body issues, sexuality and even lack of deviation from societal norm, but that's in a supportive, indeed loving, environment. In the workplace? Never acceptable....EVEN IMO, if these two groups cross over! or you attend a function for work where a good friend/s are attending. Just....not ever is that line crossed. At something work, professional the 'suits' and professional face is forward. When you are letting it look like you aren't then you still are....its all marketing of a sorts.

jackyann

However you decide to handle this, OP, make a note somewhere, dated, so that if this escalates in any way (let's hope it doesn't) you have begun a diary.

I did this, on my work computer (so it was automatically dated) but called the file "x" & password protected it.
Or you can write in your diary.

*max*

I don't really have anything to add to the great advice you have already received. I just want to reiterate that you did nothing wrong, and that person's behaviour was shameful. He's the one who should be embarrassed.

It really does come accross how affected you have been by this, and I want to give you a big virtual hug. However way you handle this in the future, remember to hold your head high, chin up and remind yourself that you are a good person, and that those people are thankfully now in the minority.

Guest101

merlin68 wrote: »

It's actually classed as a hate crime, making comments about sexuality or religion. you can go to police and get him prosecuted. People have gone to prison for it.

Really? You actually think this is the case?

So Religion and sexuality are subjects on which we cant say anything? Dont be so absurd.

OP You've had some great advice. I'd just add that, whatever your sexuality, religion, whatever. These things dont define you. It is just parts of the whole.

You can ignore it and enjoy your night, or you can confront it, and be surprised how supportive bystanders are.

Good Luck

supermassive

Guest101 wrote: »

Really? You actually think this is the case?

So Religion and sexuality are subjects on which we cant say anything? Dont be so absurd.

Correct. You cannot say anything on these matters that can be viewed as derogatory or with intent to cause emotional harm. It's not 'absurd' it's the law.

TBeckett100

What a world we live in. Why do we have to treat people differently because you have a man behind the bedroom door and not a female? And when dealing with strangers on a certain level, we don't sexualise with them, especially if they are the same sex so why "grown up men" should bat an eyelid with a male colleague surprises me. They should be grateful that you have left the females available for them!

We don't categorise how we talk to heteo people because even heterosexual people have dungeons, whips and a penchant for group therapy on the A1. Personally I would make a joke of it, otherwise people with a weird displeasure of your private life will just hound you if they feel you don't like them.