Dealing with homophobic remarks.

supermassive

justjohn wrote: »

Could I just say if I new you were gay I would be unlikely to interact with you in the same manner as I would with others.


Not because I am homophobic, because my interaction could be seen as homophobic.


As someone has said slapping/tapping someone's backside can now been seen as assault. Even though it could be meant in an entirely different way.


If the clients actions were nasty / vindictive then that's a different kettle of fish.(btw don't let others ruin a night out, continue going to them)

Erm.. why on earth would you be slapping anyone's bum anyway? Regardless of gender/sexuality? :rotfl: The only reason your behaviour could be 'seen as homophobic' is because your behaviour is inappropriate. If you can't behave in a way with everyone, don't behave that way. It's not exactly rocket science.

We gays don't go around groping scrotums of all our gay friends and then either expect it to be ok to do it to a straight man, or point blank refuse to interact with them incase they think we're going to grope them. :rotfl:

I've been in this situation before, I got my dear colleague fired for being such a pillock.

There's no reason to behave in such a way at all. It's not required, it's not legal, even. Slapping anyone on the bum is illegal, why on earth would that even cross a person's mind? Oh, because gays are always up for it, so they'd appreciate the attention from a straight man, because they're always irresistible. No.

Situations like this really make me glad I'm assertive enough and have the verbal skills to publicly humiliate people like this as soon as they try to behave in this way. Nothing better than making a 'big man' feel as small as he is.

alleycat`

tea_lover wrote: »

I'm not a black man, a disabled child or a lesbian pensioner either but I'd still be able to advise them to speak to HR and put in a complaint about inappropiate (and possibly illegal) comments and behaviour.

Indeed that is a possible route to take but it can have consequences that can make a situation worse in the longer term.

Does the "commentator" actually work for the same company? It's unclear.

Does the person work for a major client?
This is also unclear.

If word gets around the "grapevine" about this getting reported, will it have an adverse impact on the OP to perform their job and/or will it have implications for the company?

It might not be "right" but there are often hidden consequences for the offended party if you go down an official route.

Obviously i wasn't there and i don't know the severity of what's been said / done but I'd advise some level of caution about how this is dealt with over what someone might have thought of as "jokey banter" when off the clock.

You are potentially suggesting a course of action that can have serious ramifications for all parties involved, including those that witnessed what happened.

Just to reiterate. I'm not suggesting what happened is "right", just that how someone behaves now can have ongoing implications in the future.

Drunk_Monkey

Well thanks for the comments everyone.

No. The client knows the company very well. And the guy who was next to me was a sale rep known to the client very well. The guy has a girlfriend which everyone knows. I think he was trying to put me on the spot, and make me feel embarrassed or awkward. I think my colleague felt awkward because we get along quite well the rest of the time. I think he slapped my rear-end towards the end of the night just to embarrass me further. I can't really complain about him. He doesn't work for the company, and he is a client. I had a feeling that other people were sort of talking about me. One of the women at the party came up to me and asked me if I was gay. I said yes. I'm not going to lie, and I don't feel like I should have to. But I had that feeling most of the night. People would chat ok, but I would catch a look or something ...

I don't know why I'm posting this here tbh. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. And I would feel embarrassed mentioning this to anyone in real life ... I don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive? I also don't want to complain. I want to "handle" the situation ... ? Just don't know how.

And as I said, I'm not overtly camp man. So I might say "well, look how camp he is ..." I think I just want to be able to laugh, drink and chat without being talked about in-a-less-than-positive way ...

Barh. I think I'll decline the next invite.

bargainbetty

Under present law, your boss has a duty of care to protect you from homophobic bullying from people you are brought into contact with as a result of your work. Speak to your HR department and find out if a quiet word can be had with the HR team at the client firm, as they might well be mortified to find out that a member of their team is behaving in such an offensive manner in public.

The lack of other communication might be down to any number of reasons, but there is absolutely no reason to tolerate that kind of behaviour.

supermassive

Drunk_Monkey wrote: »

Well thanks for the comments everyone.

No. The client knows the company very well. And the guy who was next to me was a sale rep known to the client very well. The guy has a girlfriend which everyone knows. I think he was trying to put me on the spot, and make me feel embarrassed or awkward. I think my colleague felt awkward because we get along quite well the rest of the time. I think he slapped my rear-end towards the end of the night just to embarrass me further. I can't really complain about him. He doesn't work for the company, and he is a client. I had a feeling that other people were sort of talking about me. One of the women at the party came up to me and asked me if I was gay. I said yes. I'm not going to lie, and I don't feel like I should have to. But I had that feeling most of the night. People would chat ok, but I would catch a look or something ...

I don't know why I'm posting this here tbh. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. And I would feel embarrassed mentioning this to anyone in real life ... I don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive? I also don't want to complain. I want to "handle" the situation ... ? Just don't know how.

And as I said, I'm not overtly camp man. So I might say "well, look how camp he is ..." I think I just want to be able to laugh, drink and chat without being talked about in-a-less-than-positive way ...

Barh. I think I'll decline the next invite.

Honestly, have you considered conforming to the gay stereotype? Use your tools. "You know, Sue saw *name* with X on Wednesday in his car getting pretty close considering she's hot his wife".

Fire with fire and all that.

Or accidentally spill a drink on him.

Accidents happen, drinks had been drunk. Too bad for his clothes.

Gloomendoom

tea_lover wrote: »

I'm not a black man, a disabled child or a lesbian pensioner either but I'd still be able to advise them to speak to HR and put in a complaint about inappropiate (and possibly illegal) comments and behaviour.

The OP's peers maybe able to offer some more practical advice that may enable him to deal with the situation in a less confrontational way.

fivetide

Drunk_Monkey wrote: »

I don't know why I'm posting this here tbh. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. And I would feel embarrassed mentioning this to anyone in real life ... I don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive? I also don't want to complain. I want to "handle" the situation ... ? Just don't know how.

And as I said, I'm not overtly camp man. So I might say "well, look how camp he is ..." I think I just want to be able to laugh, drink and chat without being talked about in-a-less-than-positive way ...

Barh. I think I'll decline the next invite.

For me, if you don't want to report him etc then you need to have a go back.


If he says anything again enquire "that if I'm the gay one how come it is you that is obsessed with man love? Do you have a confession you need to make?"


Put him on the spot! You could always say "sorry you aren't my type deary" or something else like that.


Basically, get people laughing at him or show him up for the person he is. To that end it could be simply the slogan from the buses: "you seem to have some issues. Well, I'm afraid some people are gay. Get over it"


You certainly shouldn't feel you need to hide away or turn down the next invite! You aren't the one with the problem.

Edwardia

Posters can conjecture about his motives all day and all night or he might simply have been more inebriated than he seemed and took what to him was jokey banter waay too far.

Regardless of his possible motives, he assaulted you, he made you uncomfortable, embarrassed and upset. He left you feeling like you don't want to go to these events again. That's all on him. You've done nothing wrong.

I wouldn't suggest this if you're on your own in a potentially hostile situation, but in the party situation you could handle it in two ways:

(a) be completely open, answer any questions and make the guy look more of a prat to everyone else the harder he digs to try and embarrass you. Obviously this takes some bravery at first but gets easier with practice.
(b) deflect straight back on him so if he says: " Is X your boyfriend ? respond with a flirty look, lean closer and say: " I'm single..are you interested ?" This can turn someone beetroot and shut them up or they might laugh. Either way, you've fired a humourous warning shot across his bows that if he messes with you he'll get it back.

Mary, you need to up your game gurl and get fierce !

Maybe you need to get out there more and mingling with the LGBT community. Other people have been where you are
http://www.stonewall.org.uk/at_home/whats_in_my_area/default.asp?CID=&RID=&PageNum=29

Oh and if it matters, I'm out bisexual myself.

stormbreaker

=Drunk Monkey;6723991
I don't know why I'm posting this here tbh. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. And I would feel embarrassed mentioning this to anyone in real life ... I don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive? I also don't want to complain. I want to "handle" the situation ... ? Just don't know how.

And as I said, I'm not overtly camp man. So I might say "well, look how camp he is ..." I think I just want to be able to laugh, drink and chat without being talked about in-a-less-than-positive way ...

Barh. I think I'll decline the next invite.

you have asked and answered your own question and you can post here anonymously and vent which is a great release.

Reading between the lines, although you realise and acknowledge that you are gay, you are still coming to terms with it and still not fully comfortable with it. You may not have told your family and as such still don't wish the world to know.

People love to speculate and gossip. Once your sexuality is better known without people speculating then the reason for folk to gossip or joke about it has gone.

You have no reason to lie about your sexuality just need time to accept it and not try to conform. Some of the most overtly camp men are not gay. You are sensitive about it for all the above reasons. You don't want to report it as you don't want to draw attention to yourself and that is very understandable. Try to ignore and move on. Don't refuse invites if it is a social evening that you would otherwise enjoy.

I bet you are normally confident and very concientious?

I could be way off the mark, but only you will know.

z.n

Life has changed beyond recognition in the last few decades. I remember it was perfectly normal for overt groping, intimate comments and derogatory comments to be directed and made to young girls by drunk middle aged men without any fear of repercussions. OP situation reminded me of those occasions.

If this were me I would talk to HR and let them take the matter up with the client business and perhaps do an internal general memo too. It cannot be allowed to just rest- it affects OP and all the other staff who no doubt witnessed it and didn't know what to do. A memo from HR confirming no homophobia, no discussion of sexual orientation etc will clarify matters for everyone. Schools do this sort of thing very well- being clear and calling a spade a spade (IME of policies and letters coming home.) It is necessary to ensure there is no confusion that the behaviour OP experienced is unacceptable, and that there is no hiding behind 'I was just joking around' or similar cop-outs. But there is no need for open warfare either, especially when people might need to work together again. It isn't even relevant whether OP is gay or not-so no need for any public declaration - it really and truly is no one else's business but his own except to the extent he chooses to disclose it.