Getting someone to trust you

calleyw

I am interested in someone. He claims to like me and we are attracted to each other.

we have tried a couple of times and it's not worked out as he withdraws. It turns out that he feels that everyone wants him to change and use him. he had a bad time with his ex and does not want to get hurt or used again. So holds everyone at arms length.

I know I can tell him to I am blue in the face that I am not a user. I am not by the way. I have offered him friendship and said I am there to talk if he wants.

But I am really a bit lost now. The thing is that I have seen what he can be like. very nice, caring and loving. It even got to the point of him telling me he loved me and wanted me to meet his mum. Then without warning he withdrew. Found out recently why in his words were I thought about it what I am doing!!!!! He says that he can't give me what I want now and possibly never.

Its been nearly 3 years since the split. I have know him for 10 years and no I was not the reason he split from his ex. I never looked at him in that way. Until he told me he liked me after they split.

I don't think he is every going to get over it and let anyone get near him again. As he likes to go home and shut the world out. He also seems to have a lack of friends and only socialise with family. When I tried to arrange to see him. I would get no I am at or going to my mums, dad, sister or daughters. He knows lots of people but has no close friends. He fell out with his best friend over the summer. Which makes me think the issues run very deep.

The only thing I can do is to take a massive step backwards. keep in contact once in a while and put no pressure on him in any shape or form. Just get on with my life, including dating other men. And leave him to it.

Yours

Calley

Alikay

I'd find someone else. He's actually told you he can't/won't be in a "normal" relationship with you, and you've had a couple of attempts which have proved that to be true. The only person who can make him change is himself, there's nothing to suggest he will be able to.

calleyw

Alikay wrote: »

I'd find someone else. He's actually told you he can't/won't be in a "normal" relationship with you, and you've had a couple of attempts which have proved that to be true. The only person who can make him change is himself, there's nothing to suggest he will be able to.

I agree he does not want to change. he seems to have massive difficultly in making decisions. He recently bought a house and now he says he does not know why he did. I personally thought it would be good for him. Giving him some stability

Since the split he has lived with his best mate or family members.

He still is bitter and angry about his ex. And wont let it go. I have suggested counselling but I know that he will not follow through on it.

I think he will wreck any attempt at a relationship with anyone as he believes that he will get used and hurt. Which is sad.

Yours

Calley

VestanPance

As someone who has decided never to have another relationship due to the fact I longer trust anyone I'd say move on.

You can't make him trust you, and he shouldn't be getting involved with anyone while he has trust issues with regards to forming relationships the opposite sex or anyone else.

duchy

You've said it yourself......"He doesn't want to change"

You can't make him want it -it has to come from inside himself.

Accept what he says and move on yourself

calleyw

VestanPance wrote: »

You can't make him trust you, and he shouldn't be getting involved with anyone while he has trust issues with regards to forming relationships the opposite sex or anyone else.

Thats how I feel. As it has been unfair on me. But from what he has said when we have a sensible chat, that when he did try with me he thought he could do it.

Then get freaked out and run away!!! He claims that I put him off when I got annoyed when he would run off. I told him that no matter what I did it would have made no difference.

Yours

Calley

calleyw

duchy wrote: »

You can't make him want it -it has to come from inside himself.

I know that I can't make him change and it needs to come from inside. And after 3 years I don't think he ever will change.

I had given up on the idea of a "relationship" with him. A long time ago. But want to to try and get him to trust me as friend and nothing more.

Yours

Calley

tesuhoha

Why waste precious years on something that isn't going anywhere? You only get one life and you don't have time for all this. If the relationship isn't moving on then it probably never will. Its best to make a clean break and find someone else.

Only love those who love you.

marisco_2

The person that this guy mistrusts most is himself. He no longer has any faith in his judgement of character of others, can't trust his gut instincts or how he perceives what other people say or do. His only coping mechanism is to shut himself off from the world, and not socialise outside of a very close and trusted group of people, who he had firm foundations with before he was betrayed. Anyone new to his life will not be any more than an acquaintance. Move forward.

calleyw

tesuhoha wrote: »

Why waste precious years on something that isn't going anywhere? You only get one life and you don't have time for all this. If the relationship isn't moving on then it probably never will. Its best to make a clean break and find someone else.

Only love those who love you.

I would love to find someone else. But when you have feelings for someone else its not fair.

And now I feel the same as him. don't trust anyone and don't want to let any one get close. So I will be single for a long time!!!

Yours

Calley

tesuhoha

I think it is difficult for a woman to be friends with a man, especially if she has a history with him. Most men only talk to and trust their male friends and won't open up to a woman. They think women have ulterior motives and are a race apart, which is partly true I suppose.