Early 50's man. What to wear on a night out?

CRANKY40

dug123 wrote: »

But money is not a priority and money is nice to have but in some situations is absolutely useless.
I can assure you that over the last few years I would have given every penny I ever had plus as much as I could borrow for my situation to have turned out differently.

I hear you. In the last 5 years I've had many people tell me that I'm lucky to have my house paid for and to be solvent. I tell them all I would give up everything and live in a shed to have my husband alive and well. Will you be OK coming up to Christmas and the anniversary of your loss or would you like me to send you details of a website that helped me a lot. At 5 years on I don't use it any more as the whole situation does get easier to cope with, but for the first couple of years I was glad of it.

dug123

julieu wrote: »

I know money isn't everything lost DH in Oct and would give anything to have him back. Hope to be able to venture out with such a positive attitude in the future - just not yet. have a good time.

Hi julieu, I am sorry for my reply but I do get touchy at times. I am sorry for your loss and I wish I could tell you everything will be fine but I am one year on and things are not fine.
I sat down some time ago and thought about how much I hated my life and thought about what I wanted in the future and made a simple plan.
What I would really like is to meet a nice woman and have a normal life and by that I mean come home from work have some dinner and sit and watch TV or listen to music or talk and have a bottle of wine or a few beers, go out maybe once a week for a meal or just to sit in a pub and then to have a few weekends away each year and wether it is Blackpool, New York, Scarborough, Paris or London it does not matter as long as there is someone to share it with. and then once a year a couple of weeks somewhere warm (or twice if finances allowed!).
I am sure I am not asking for a lot, I have no wishes of a private jet and a yacht etc or orgies with super model beauties. I just want what I call normality.
So I am lucky because I am starting with a clean slate and by that I mean I am single, I have no debt whatsoever, I do not gamble, I do not drink (but would like to start again!) but I do not really have much cash now, when my wife was ill we had 18 final holidays together and it was the insurance which cost more than the holidays and cleaned me out but it was worth every penny!
So my plan is simple.

1) Find a job which pays enough for the lifestyle I want. Well I do not want a lot moneywise and have no debt and I have a nice newish car etc so minimum wage would probably do. But this was really difficult. I have not worked for 5 years because I was caring for my wife and have no referances because every company I have ever worked for has closed down! But I found a nice job in a small manufacturing company which is 9 to 5 and pays enough for what I want. The first week was not good but now I am looking forward to Monday morning and I am enjoying it.


2) Get a social life. Wow this is going to be difficult, I have been out to a local pub with old friends a couple of times this year (jeans and T-shirt) but they are couples and I am a goosebury, I always end up sat next to an empty chair and it looks like I am waiting for my wife to get back from the toilet and then random women start with the sympathy and telling me how difficult it must be for me and generally offering sadness and advice and it just ends up being depressing. I have got to look sad because that is expected and I have just gone back home ASAP. So I now realise that everyone that knows me sees me as half of a couple whereas the people at work see me as me and treat me like a normal person.
So I somehow have to get out with people who I have not known for long and try and enjoy myself.
I have read threads on here about getting out and joining clubs etc and taking classes to meet people but that is not me. I would consider myself as shy so going into town by myself is a no no. I would end up sat in the corner of a pub drunk and lonely. But I am going to make an absolute effort to never refuse a social function and to practise having conversations with strangers. So number 2) on my list starts next Saturday, I think Christmas is probably a good time to start socialising.


3) Find a nice woman. That is very simple but I would imagine very difficult to do because firstly I do not believe I am far enough down the line to be comfortable being physically close to a woman. I know I will feel guilty. I know it sounds stupid but at the moment it would be like being unfaithful to my wife! So I am hoping that no 3) will become easier in time because at the end of the day I am a bloke and I know women think that blokes just want one thing from women but maybe I am different or it is just to soon. Who knows? But I do not want to end up with a life of one night stands and guilt.


So I have accomplished number 1) and am making a start on number 2) so I am about 40% of the way there in 12 months.
So I am happy with this.


As I said earlier I wish I could write something to make it easier for you but I cannot because it is not easy. Just do not give up. I have thought about it plenty over this year but I know if I can get where I want to go then I might have a good life. I was happily (sometimes!) married for 30 years and I am in my early 50's so I may just get another happy 30 years with a nice lady if I am lucky and try hard. Having a plan and trying is certainly better than giving up and accepting misery.


Have a great life.

dug123

CRANKY40 wrote: »

I hear you. In the last 5 years I've had many people tell me that I'm lucky to have my house paid for and to be solvent. I tell them all I would give up everything and live in a shed to have my husband alive and well. Will you be OK coming up to Christmas and the anniversary of your loss or would you like me to send you details of a website that helped me a lot. At 5 years on I don't use it any more as the whole situation does get easier to cope with, but for the first couple of years I was glad of it.

Hi Cranky40, I think you are being greedy wanting a shed, I would settle for the local park bench!
Inappropriate joking aside, I get exactly what you are saying and I am glad you understood what I was saying. I think there are some experiences in life where we all sympathise and offer advice but until they have been there in person they do not really have a clue how bad things really get.
Yes, Christmas will be terrible but I have talked to my kids, my son is 21 and left home and my daughter is 16 and still here. So we had a chat and I told them it was going to be different this year. No decorations. (last year they put them up for their mum and she never got to see them and I took them all to the charity shop in a tantrum of anger and madness!) They are happy with this. and we are not having turkey, we are having fillet steak, peppered sauce and new potato's etc. I am going to buy some Stella and some alcopops for my daughter and we are going to play buzz games on the PS3 and have a few drinks and try and have a completely different Christmas.
I appreciate your thoughts on the website and I am not being cruel but I really do not want to read about other peoples misery in my situation, I have enough of my own and I am trying to sort it out in my own way.
So thank you very much for your reply and I am glad it gets easier. I will look forward to it.

Kim_kim

dug123 wrote: »

Hi all and thank you again for your advice.
After reading all your comments I was surprised to read that some shops had personal shoppers to help people like me so I looked around at the shops near me that had them and found a House of Fraser.
So first thing this morning I went down there and I looked around and found two mature ladies who worked there who appeared more than happy to help me. So I spent a while trying various things on and listening to their advice and they have kitted me out for next weekend.
I ended up with a navy blue pair of Chinos.
http://www.houseoffraser.co.uk/Howick+Casual+chino/145677071,default,pd.html
a blue striped shirt (which I cannot find on their website)
and a jacket (which looks a lot better without the quilted insert thingy!)
http://www.houseoffraser.co.uk/Linea+Whiteread+detachable+insert+blazer/198657143,default,pd.html
They gave me a choice of shoes to try but I already have similar shoes which I wear with my suits so I will just use a pair of them.
I have dropped the shirt and trousers around at a friends house for them to be ironed (Yes I do iron, but not very well!)
So I am sorted and happy thank you. After everything was sorted they asked the opinion of a couple of younger lads who worked there and I explained again that I didn't want to look like a grandad or the oldest swinger in town and all 4 assured me that the outfit was nice.
I am now £185.50 poorer but at least I can go out and look smart and they are the only clothes I have bought for about 2 years so I cannot complain.
I am looking at it as an investment in my future.
Thank you all again.

Nice.
Can I also suggest (for your next night out) a black shirt (ben Sherman sort of fitting, not tight but not too casual either). I think black shirts look sexy on men - I think it's because of Dirty Dancing!!!
You can team that with jeans or light chinos too.

julieu

l too was with my DH for 33 years so am completely out of the dating game but speaking to my friend who is divorced the best l can look forward to is a 20+ year old looking for an experienced older woman(l am only just 50 and young at heart) so as she said they will be disappointed as experienced we are not.
l know things will get better - they cannot get any worse and l am lucky l work and DH made sure l would be ok. l ventured out last week to a beginners northern soul dance class, with my daughter for support the first time and l found didn't matter l was on my own as l didn't need a partner. l intend to do things where being on my own doesn't matter.
Hope this is the start of your 2 point plan,
Top tip would be to wear a bit of colour when you go out.
Good Luck

annie_d

As a woman in her fifties with a husband in his thirties i would say to definitely stay away from jeans...dark colours are better and men always look good in an ironed long sleeved shirt, i think. Shoes, never trainers.
And the best thing of all.....a smile, a light hearted attitude.

Good luck x

CRANKY40

I actually met some local people through the site and we went out for coffee and lunches and swapped coping strategies but I may just have been lucky so fair enough. It also explained the stages of grief which was a great relief when I was giving pensioner couples the evils in Asda as they still had each other and I was 42 and learning to cope on my own. It's good that you have the children though. You have to keep going for them don't you?

Oh, and the first year I put all the "Happy Christmas" cards in the bin. I think I did the same the following two years. It's the new normal - I couldn't understand how people thought I could be happy. I'm more settled and contented these days but I still have moments.