My marriage is over and I have no-one I can talk to

duchy

With student loans they way they are -it'd be nuts to quit before the end of the first year -and there's always the possibility of switching to a new course in September or taking time out for a year or two and then returning without having to start from scratch -even a different course may have an element of transferred credit.

I spent last year as a mature student and lots of the 18/19 year olds had lots of doubts right up to Christmas and beyond but by the time exam time came around the majority had settled in and were getting on with life -or had decided it was the wrong course and arranged to start something new in the September.

dontpanic42

Sorry this is happening to you, OP.

About your son: My parents split up in my first year of university. I felt it was the right choice for them but of course it was still difficult. If your parents are going to divorce (and if two people aren't making each other happy, I personally don't believe they should stay together for any reason), it might as well be while you're away at uni. My younger sister was still at home when it happened, and she had it so much worse than I did. I was at a safe distance from the fighting with other things to focus on - and most unis have counselling and other support available.

In terms of staying at uni, it sounds like he probably should. I'm not much of a defender of university and (two years after graduation) I'm about 80% sure that the course was a waste of time and money for me. However, if your son is studying for a particular career and it's something he's always wanted (and still wants) to do, I'm sure he'd regret giving up. Plus, it's a safe and gentle way to find your independence and ease your way into moving out - which is especially important if your family home is no longer the way it was when you were growing up.

As for you, all I can say is that my parents are happier now than they were when they were together and so are my sister and I. I won't pretend that the time in between wasn't horrible at times, but I think we're all glad it happened now.

MoD

DS is home. He has asked 'how has Dad been?', I answered 'about the same'


H is sleeping in spare room (which he has often done for short periods in the past as neither of us are good sleepers and often disturb each other). He refuses to discuss 'the situation'


I'm holding up ok while I'm busy, but struggling when I'm alone and everything is just whirring around in my brain - I just feel overwhelmed. I went to see my doctor yesterday, he just gave me a prescription for anti-depressants, which I don't think I need and don't plan to take. I can't take the risk of them making me feel 'zombified' which I've read ADs can do.

GoldenShadow

I just wanted to say (re your son) that the fact he made it to Christmas is a good sign. Most dropouts (in my experience, and myself included) do it before xmas. Usually, if you can make it to that point, you get past the being homesick/lonely/missing creature comforts type thing. For most degrees, first year doesn't even count. All you have to do is pass! Assuming his is the same, he should try to focus on getting into a good learning routine and knuckling down ready for when it does count, not panicking over getting 70%+ in all his work.

Sorry to hear re you and your OH. I don't know what to say on that score Do you think it would help for you to talk to somebody, see if your GP can refer you? I think its good that you've got the pills but not dived straight in as you're unsure if you need them. I think a lot of GPs do dish them out like sweets and it can be a long road to find some that work for you. If you don't need it, good for you

MoD

DS went back to Uni yesterday. He was aware that all was not well, H spent the whole month sleeping in the spare room and was out much more than he would usually be (including NYE). DS made a couple of remarks about 'if Dad leaves.....'

H told me this evening that he is moving out at the end of the month. He has arranged somewhere to rent. I am heartbroken that he cared so little for what we had that he made no effort to resolve things. We are both upset and sad but would like things to be as amicable as possible (maybe this is naive). He says that he isn't thinking about divorce and is going to pay half the mortgage. He is determined to support DS and hopes we can continue to do this together.

We had already planned to visit DS later this month and will tell him then.

Mojisola

MoD wrote: »

We are both upset and sad but would like things to be as amicable as possible (maybe this is naive). He says that he isn't thinking about divorce and is going to pay half the mortgage. He is determined to support DS and hopes we can continue to do this together.

It's not naive - it's a good aim to have and people do manage to do it.

If the separation is going to be for ever, don't leave it too long before making it formal with a divorce. While you are still married, you are both still next of kin for each other and will automatically inherit unless you make wills saying otherwise.

MoD

Mojisola wrote: »

It's not naive - it's a good aim to have and people do manage to do it.

If the separation is going to be for ever, don't leave it too long before making it formal with a divorce. While you are still married, you are both still next of kin for each other and will automatically inherit unless you make wills saying otherwise.

Thanks Mojisola, we both made new wills a few months ago, after DS turned 18.

Mojisola

MoD wrote: »

Thanks Mojisola, we both made new wills a few months ago, after DS turned 18.

And are the contents still right for you if you separate? Don't need to answer - just keep inheritance in mind along with all the other stuff you'll need to sort out.

MoD

I understand what you're saying. I'll keep it in mind.

mintymoneysaver

Hi, haven't been on here for a while but your post struck a chord. My ex and I split up 3 years ago. However, although we decided in the November we didn't tell our daughters ( 17 and 14 at the time) until he had a place to move to and everything was sorted. It didn't matter how old they were, we were their parents and they didn't deserve to live in a house knowing their parents were splitting up for months. I still believe it was the best decision we made, and everyone always comments on how we always put them first.
We were different in that although my ex wanted to leave, he hadn't and it took me telling him to go that finally ended us. So I haven't got that to deal with. But we have always stayed amicable. Financially I could afford to buy him out eventually, but he never rushed me into it and we only divorced after two years separation. My daughter went off to Uni in the September after he left and was home again within 7 weeks. I cried and was so distraught over that, wondering if we had caused her unhappiness. But a year later she went back to another Uni, loves it and I look back and realise that she just made a bad decision in the first place.