My marriage is over and I have no-one I can talk to

elmer

My DH left in similar circumstances nearly two years ago, he rented a flat for six months nearby, but returned home after the six months were up as it didn't "solve" his problems.

Sadly it had quite an effect on our teenage children, who still haven't processed how they feel about both of us, and things are still quite rocky between the two of us.

I would say if he needs space give it, you may find its the catalyst to sorting things out, or it may not be, but it will give you time to gather a running away fund, and I certainly advise you to do that.

If it does work out you can use it for a romantic break.

Don't give up hope

elmer

MoD

I'm really struggling to understand how he can just give up on us. We had so many really good years when we were both so happy. Genuinely really happy. We have always been a great team, complementing each others strengths and weaknesses. Best friends. How can he just give up without giving us a chance to work out what went wrong and making every effort to put it right.

He has dismissed my suggestion of relationship couselling, which i kind of expected, he has always found it difficult to talk about problems/issues and that has been an ongoing issue throughout our marriage. How can anthing get resolved if you won't talk about it.

He says it's too late. How could it have got to 'too late' without having a chance to work things out.

seven-day-weekend

duchy wrote: »

I think it's lovely that you are thinking of your son ...........You obviously both love him very much. Is it possible that your son leaving home is a bit of a catalyst in your husband's feelings. He may be struggling as to where his role lies now he's no longer a hands on Dad ?

As it is all amicable -could you put everything on the backburner til your son is back at uni and then rent a small flat for your husband as suggested on a six month contract with an agreement that if after a trial seperation of six months he still feels the same then consider making the seperation official ?

That takes the heat off making any hasty decisions and gives you both time to sort out what you both want and how to practically achieve it.

It's all still raw ..... buying some time to think things through and process on both sides may be helpful.

Totally agree. Your husband may be suffering from depression and just need a temporary break.

MoD

duchy wrote: »

Is it possible that your son leaving home is a bit of a catalyst in your husband's feelings. He may be struggling as to where his role lies now he's no longer a hands on Dad ?

I think you could be right, Duchy

I was looking forward to us doing more things as a couple again - we've recently had our first holiday just as a couple again and we had a great time. I thought this was a good sign and was looking forward to having more time doing things together.
It would appear that he wasn't

MoD

duchy wrote: »

As it is all amicable -could you put everything on the backburner til your son is back at uni and then rent a small flat for your husband as suggested on a six month contract with an agreement that if after a trial seperation of six months he still feels the same then consider making the seperation official ?

That takes the heat off making any hasty decisions and gives you both time to sort out what you both want and how to practically achieve it.

It's all still raw ..... buying some time to think things through and process on both sides may be helpful.

This makes alot of sense, although I am still hoping that it won't come to this.

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Totally agree. Your husband may be suffering from depression and just need a temporary break.

I so hope you're right

This is one of the reasons I feel that we should keep this between us for the time being.
I know that once anyone else knows, he'll find it much harder to come back if he realises he's made a mistake. He's never been good at admitting if he's been wrong and would cut off his own nose in order to spite his face

z.n

Hi OP. Sorry to hear of your troubles. My view is to keep it between you and hubby until you/he are sure the relationship is ended. I absolutely disagree with those posters saying open honesty is the best policy- not when dealing with children (at least not if you want them to pass their exams!) Yes, your son might notice the atmosphere at Christmas, but no need to involve him in your drama until you are entirely sure. In true kindness it would be best to do so just after he has done one set of exams and well before serious work starts on the next. So maybe give yourselves six months to talk talk talk while your son is away and see if you can't sort things out.

As to your husband, unless he has his eye on someone else then this could be mid-life crisis/depression/low libido. After so many years together it does seem worth exploring this possibility. Good luck.

duchy

Thing is we spend 18 years or more putting our kids before our marriage and then suddenly they are gone -the house feels emptier and everything feels out of kilter even if logically we know it's the natural order of things.

Buy some time -maybe he needs space for a bit, maybe it's depression, maybe it's even a "man problem" like decreasing libido or loss of errection and feeling there is more pressure to perform now you are a couple again rather than a family-or it could just be mentally adjusting to the fact that he's no longer a man with a "child" at home and sees himself suddenly as "old" or fearful that he soon might be.

Keep talking but respect each other's boundaries too.

supermassive

Can't comment on the marriage side of things, because I'm completely inexperienced.

However, in terms of your son wanting to quit his uni course etc - encourage him to continue on this path, because the end is worth the journey. Speaking from the perspective of someone who's watched people quit uni courses for their dream jobs because they were too intense/couldn't cope away from home etc... it's never EVER worked out positively... or, not as positively as it would if they'd stayed on at uni.

Remember, it's just a case of "getting on with it". I think the emotional effect your split will have on him may be the straw that breaks the camel's back, though.

I, personally, would not allow him to quit. I'd probably tell him that if he leaves uni, he can't come home because this will no longer be his home unless he has finished the course. But that's because I'd make a pretty badass pushy-as-heck parent. It's in no way advisable if you want your kids to like you. I couldn't care less if any child relative of mine likes me, as long as they succeed and are happy after following my stern advice.

MoD

supermassive wrote: »

However, in terms of your son wanting to quit his uni course etc - encourage him to continue on this path, because the end is worth the journey. Speaking from the perspective of someone who's watched people quit uni courses for their dream jobs because they were too intense/couldn't cope away from home etc... it's never EVER worked out positively... or, not as positively as it would if they'd stayed on at uni.

Remember, it's just a case of "getting on with it". I think the emotional effect your split will have on him may be the straw that breaks the camel's back, though.

I agree, I think some teens just take longer to settle in than others and that it's quite a common reaction. I know several other people whose children have felt the same during their first term, struggled for a while but got through it and never looked back. I think it would be a mistake of gigantic proportions to throw in the towel. He has sounded a little more positive the last couple of times we've spoken, although still finding one particular aspect of the course very difficult.
I think he just needs to stay focused and keep going and hopefully he'll get through this rough patch.
But as you say, I think any suggestion of a split could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

katsu

I quit uni. I'm now successful at work, with a decent salary, and have professional qualifications.

I'm not the only person I know it worked out for.

Your son shouldn't rush to decide to leave before the end of the year but he honestly is able to still have a good life if he does.

I'm not saying he should but I wanted to balance out the other posters to reassure you.

Good luck with everything.